all in the family

i am going to present a scenario. please tell me if this is either normal/psycho/slightly creepy/promising/other....

i have a crush. i think it is a good thing. this does not happen very often. i have had this crush for about approximately 6 years. when i first developed the crush, this person was approximately 14 years old. hmm weird i know but hear me out. i really have not met anyone like him before. he is kind, sensitive, musical, outgoing, creative, and a leader. we have a strong connection. he is now 20. i am slightly older by almost a decade. (decades are over rated) oh and i guess the one element that people consider to be a big deal is that he is my cousin. my first cousin. when i meet guys, i think "oh he is lame. i would rather be hanging out with my cousin." i just found out he put a picture of us on his my space profile and i was happy. i was happy you guys. i am a weirdo. and so that is why i will be moving to kentucky.

i h8 u

my sister just got broken up with via text message.

modern technology is one of my favorite things. when people ask what other era i would want to live in, i never have an answer because why in the world would i want to live sans google and youtube?

but modern technology also provides a lousy copout for break ups. i wonder sometimes if people back in the day were stronger because they had to muster up the courage to breakup with someone face-to-face since that was their only option. well that and courier pigeon i guess. then i wonder if maybe people weren’t stronger at all and maybe that’s why more people got married back then because they didn’t have the guts to break up face-to-face but didn’t have any other means to breakup (except courier pigeon but those can get pricey) so they just sucked it up and got married instead.

the point is, technological breakups suck. via text, via email, via voicemail. i have a friend whose boyfriend of at least half a year called her parents’ house phone, knowing nobody ever answers it, and broke up with her over their answering machine. her parents. she doesn’t even live with them. can you imagine getting that call from your dad? “uh, honey… your boyfriend thinks you’re too chubby so you’re broken up now.”

and that’s the other thing – over technology, you can say a lot more. no more of these gentle “it’s me not you” lines. now, people can really say what they mean. like “u smell like chkn fngrs. r u mad?”

another relationship copout is that you prayed about it and god told you it’s not right

sorry i'm late; some bikers tried to steal my jacket

i overheard this at the bus stop:

somebody: you know what i like about rubber soul? there's a different song for wherever you are in a relationship.
somebody else: you mean with a girl.
somebody: or a boy, but you have to change all the shes to hes. but baby you can drive my car is already gender neutral.

[for those of you that dont know or possibly forgot, rubber soul is a record by the beatles]

that sounds about right. i mean there is a song about daydream dating, a song about when your partner doesn't answer your phone calls, a song about being emotionally drained by a bad relationship, a song about communication problems, a song about how extreme jealously leads to violence and more. plus all the songs are super catchy.

this got me thinking about movies that maybe have more resonance based on your relationship status and i remembered my favorite movie about getting older and still being single: marty. feeling like you'll never meet anyone right for you? watch marty. is your mom always pressuring you to get married, but then whenever you start dating someone she doesn't think they're good enough for you? watch marty. do your friends not like who you're dating? watch marty. do you like movies that are good? watch marty. it's good.

but what about those of you already in a relationship, is there a movie you could be watching with your partner? a movie that you get on an emotional level regardless of where you are at in the relationship? i'd recommend scenes from a marriage. but you might break up after you watch it.

i'm also looking for your recommendations. (the you in the previous sentence refers to you reading this, unless that you is me because i already gave my suggestions.)

a kinder, gentler vampirism

today i saw my friend cicada in the target parking lot. i had just barely answered my mom's phone call in an attempt to try and fulfill my better daughter goal which includes sometimes answering their calls. the conversation had gotten this far:

mom: please come visit so we can see you.
me: i just want to go home.
mom: please.
me: no thanks.
mom: pleassssse.
me: oh gotta go i see cicada.

at which point cicada pointed out there was bird shit in my hair. gross. cicada then asked if i was trying to send her brother love messages in my post title...and maybe this one. anyway i said no. maybe. no. he doesnt read it right? because this one could make things awkward between us. but whatever. i like him he can get over it.

last time he was in town we were in a coffee shop discussing the word "love" and saying it in relationships. he doesnt like saying the word. i probably have a higher comfort level than most but i dont really throw it around. i find myself in the minority in that i believe strongly that 1) it shouldnt matter if the other person says/or feels it back and 2) a boy shouldnt have to say it first. i have never quite understood why either of those things mattered. because if you love someone it doesnt change things if they love you back or not. love seems like one of those emotions that isnt contingent on what someone else feels. and who says it first shouldnt be dictated by gender. i have a suspicion that people started encouraging women to wait until men said the word because men should be in control of the relationship and the direction that it takes while women take a more submissive, passive role. but i dont know.

anyway. this was sort of how the conversation went.

richie: who really likes saying i love you.
me: but it doesnt really matter right. if you feel it you should say it.
richie: i just dont like saying it.
me: but its always nice to hear. or its generally nice to hear.
richie: i dont even think i know what love means.
me: whatever. you just need to get comfortable with the word. lets practice. tell me you love me.
richie: (longish pause) nat thats just really weird.
me: its fine just say it. come on. say it.
richie: (sipping his coffee nervously and squirming) no.

my love therapy totally failed. and how long was that bird shit in my hair? can i get a disease from that? i washed my hair 6 times using every brand of shampoo i have twice.

my husband would never send me stuff this good

maybe i'm just still single, because if i change my status to "in a relationship" or heaven forbid "married" i might miss out on getting emails like the following.

Subject: hi
Message: Friends are a promise made in the heart.. Silent.. Unwritten.. Unbreakable by distance... Unchangeable by time. It's lovely to have u as one!

Subject:
Message: Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Subject:
Message: I would like to be a new friend. Would u like to date with me, let me know.ready or not?

and my favorite...

Subject: 4 U
Message: My my where have you been all my existence? I can not believe that someone so profound has not come to the very embrace of my heart. I can not believe that someone so lovely has been so distant and not within the grasp of my caress. Can one know more about the marvelous you or does one have to engage classes to learn about someone so outstanding

why would i risk missing out on this? linkup, your plan to link me up has failed. backfired really.

if your guess is as good as mine

I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. Psalms 40:1

i like prayers. i wonder though if it is necessary to pray no less than 8 times in any given mormon church meeting. as far as i can tell nothing happens between sacrament and sunday school to warrant a prayer. unnecessary and recycled prayers seem to trivialize the experience. although, i am never quite sure what the experience should be like.

i actually quite like to pray. i like to thank God for things i suspect he has done for me or tell Him funny things about my day or complain about celibacy, etc. but i rarely pray for advice or guidance. and i think i know why. i dont like the concept of what i have heard called the "changing answer." i have heard of this concept most often linked to dating and marriage relationships more than anything else. the changing answer is a pretty self explanatory theory. people start to date and pray about each other and one (or both) of the people feels really good about it and then things go south and they dont know what to do because they felt like they received an answer to go forward. now they arent sure what to do because last time they prayed they felt good about it but now the relationship is terrible. if they are confused and ask someone about it people (leaders, bishops, etc) often say that answers change. or other scenario is that people date and pray about it, feel good, get married and three years later one of the spouses says something like this "i dont love you anymore," "turns out i am gay," or "here is the deal. i dont want to be married and i never really did."

now i understand that life circumstances change. people fall out of love. they develop mental illnesses or substance abuse problems that make relationships impossible. irreconcilable difference arise. abuse. etc. i dont mind that. thats just life. but is the point of praying and recieving answers so that we can have some sort of assurance or guarantee that what we are doing is going to work out? isnt that why we pray because we dont know so we thought we should ask someone that does? arent we asking because God knows who we are dating will eventually leave us (with three kids and a mortgage)? can God give us bad advice? there is always the chance i (or any of us) dont understand answers. but if that is the case what is the point in asking?

i dont know. but i dont like to ask God for guidance because if it turns out to be bad than i wont have any hard feelings against Him. thats why i keep boys out of our conversations all together. but dont worry i have plenty of others things to talk about. i tend to ramble. obviously.