Friday, December 01, 2006

deals breakers

dating is very complicated. i know this because i took marriage prep (dont judge me) when i was a sophomore with my friend kelly. (i can still feel the judging). i admit i did it out of sheer morbid curiosity and not out of any desire to get married (although i did get an A so thats good right). i did like the section on dealbreakers. here is the thing about dealbeakers...i am pretty sure most of them are made up. we all say we won't date someone that litters (dont waste utah) but then in the end if we like them enough and they occasionally throw their tootsie pop wrapper on the ground maybe we just ignore it (but pick up the wrapper). (the littering thing happened to my friend mike. who has more deal breakers than anyone i have ever met. mike and i never dated because i had approximately 43 things that broke the deal for him).

but maybe i am wrong. maybe there are dealbreakers. but i usually think if something is breaking the deal its because the person wants the deal to be broken and we feel a need to blame it on something. here are my favorite dealbreakers that i have heard fairly recently:

1) 3 second kissing rule
2) doesnt like snakes
3) loves dave matthews (i think maybe to the point of being fanatical because anyone could get over moderate like)
4) home sex movie was in borat movie
5) likes the song gold digger
6) doesnt like disneyland
7) doesnt believe that the noah flood story really happened
8) too many siblings (he will want a huge family) too few siblings (he wont want any kids) apparently we should all be trying to date people with 3.5 children in their family.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

the order of dating

in dating there are orders to things. for example you go out, hold hands, kiss, date exclusively and then break up (i hear there are other options besides breaking up but i am not familiar with those). and i have never been good at the order. i usually kiss before i hold hands. i usually go out on the first date after both of those things etc etc but the one that is truly problematic is when i break up...

i tend to break up with a boy awhile after we actually stop seeing each other. sometimes a very long while. in fact it takes me months or even years after dating. this has happened a couple of times (becky says it happens most of the time)(becky would know).

i am not sure why. this could be me or maybe i am attracted to boys who are missing the gene and/or socialization skills that make them think they should break up with someone around the same time they are dating the said person (me).

i kind of find this amusing because its such a strange conversation. you are talking about facts and feelings that at one point you actually cared about at a time when you are caring less (less to not at all). the responses are hard to come up with but i have managed to do it on several occasions. one of the trickiest parts i think is that portion of the conversation where part of you kind of wants to answer like the girl who is just breaking up with someone (old self) and part of you is the girl who has moved on (new self). conversations go like this:

Boy (there are several you can insert here): natali, what happened with us?

(and this is where i panic crap what is going on? please say we arent breaking up. blast we are...i cant believe i havent kissed this guy in several months to years and i am expected to have this conversation... the conversation goes as follows)

Old Self: obviously, you were a selfish bastard
New Self: i dont know i dont really remember, i bet we were in different places.

Boy: I am really sorry about what happened.

Old Self: you are sorry because you were mean and hurtful. so yeah i guess you should be really sorry. and you should probably come with dating warning labels including "emotionally unavailable but likes to kiss" (i have only used that once but its my favorite dating warning label).
New Self: hey dont worry about it, it just wasnt meant to be (or whatever for all you destiny oriented people(i am for the record not one of those destiny oriented people))

Boy: I wish it could have been different....

Old self: well, maybe not talking to me then for six months was not the best idea. . .
New self: (AND I ALWAYS USE THIS (well there is one situation in which i dont...its described below), as far as i can tell its the one thing that really gets to the ex bf). "yeah. the thing is i dont. i dont really care about how we ended so long as we DID end. i dont regret it not working out. honestly though, i think you are a great even though it didnt end ideally, we are probably just lucky that it ended. "

that is usually the end of the belated breakup. mostly its because they realize they sort of got dumped and they werent planning on that. what they were hoping for comes next...

WARNING if you say that last thing you are NOT going to get is kissed. in case maybe you wanted some post breakup action. that last line will not get you any. lines that will however include....

"there are some things i miss"
"at least you were a pretty good kisser"
just kiss them. i like that one the most. and hey you deserve just broke up after all.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

save the cheerleader save the world

i have been dating now for some 12 years and i have a pretty good collection of dating or love or breakup or relationship or non-relationship stories that have happened to me or others or friends or celebrities. and i thought i should really do something with all this knowledge (gained from both personal experience and tv) that will really change the world. i will sometimes change the names so that the innocent will be protected and because the facts are often slightly altered (i have a poor relationship with the truth) and (the memory of a goldfish).