Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i picked up this dream in catholic school

so although i am currently not dating it hasnt stopped me from trying to set other people up. it works for some people. i personally take credit for two happy couples and one unhappy couple (sorry about that). so today i thought i should set up "stacey" and "steven". i dont know why. i just thought i am sick of work is there anything else to do? (i usually check out ebay or go get a coke). but not today. so what happened is i texted stacey and said hey do you want to get set up with my friend and she said yeah and i texted steven and said do you want to get set up and he said yeah. so i gave steven stacey's number and i washed my hands of the whole thing and left it to fate/hormones. but then stacey decided that she had been set up on a lot of bad blind dates and just wanted to meet steve before they ate dinner together. you know a predate (code for i want to see if he is cute). so her master plan was he could come by her house with me and we could hang out. i said....hmm yeah let me ask steven. so then she said maybe he could fix my computer. and i said... yeah let me ask. so i told steven and he said he would go (he also said ouch she doesnt trust you AT ALL) but i said i thought about it and i didnt want to go watch him fix her computer and talk about their interests and mutual friends (me). i know all about their interests and me. its sounds both boring and uncomfortable. i think i would feel just as awkward watching people try and date and if i am going to go through that then maybe i will just date myself. not date myself like take myself out but go on dates myself.

anyway a lot of people are weighing in and said i should go with steven. but i have been watching a lot of top chef lately and i dont think i have time.

mind the (age) gap

so here’s my question. what is the perfect age gap? let’s pretend (i’m maybe not really pretending) that i’m kind-of sort-of crushing on a 22-year old. um…yeah…22 year old. remember my comment to jefe about how luke skywalker isn’t eligible because he isn’t established? yeah, the youngen (as i call him) hasn’t even declared an undergraduate major yet. and he doesn’t have a car…hmm…anyway, we went out saturday afternoon – our “going out” usually consists of playing frisbee and eating at sonic because he’s a poor college kid but wants to be a gentleman so won’t let me treat.

then saturday night, i went out with the president of this company – i didn’t dare ask how old he was, and he clearly wasn’t TOO old, but based on the fact that he’s started and successfully sold 3 companies so far, owns an amazing house and a dog that’s bigger than i am (not relevant, but still true), i’m guessing he was late 30s (don’t quote me though – i have a horrible sense of age). he did know how to wine and dine me though. very different than the youngen.

i’ve never dated someone younger than me before – and the youngen is even younger than my baby sister…we have fun though, even though i feel like i’m robbing the cradle a bit. on the other hand, mr. president is a lot of fun, but is maybe too established for me. there’s something to be said about struggling through financial life a little bit together and living on cardboard couches for awhile right? so i wanted to ask all of you dating-advice pros – what’s your perfect age gap? do you date your exact age or is there a variance of a few (a lot?) years?

here are the pros and cons i came up with for both:

younger guy/older girl pros –
- girls live longer than guys so we’ll die around the same time
- girls reach their sexual peak in life later than guys do, so maybe we’ll hit it at the same time. bow chica bow wow

younger guy/older girl cons –
- i don’t want to pay for my honey’s schooling…is that selfish?
- guys age slower than girls so i’ll look really old compared to him

older guy/younger girl pros –
- he’s done with school
- there's something to be said about a guy who can take care of you

older guy/younger girl cons –
- refer to the opposite of the “younger guy/older girl pros” list

Friday, June 15, 2007

Galactic Know How

Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus...Get it? Thanks Dr. Grey, for stating the obvious and for your bunk relationship advice. Didn't you get divorced? Your relationship suggestions are as helpful as a wooden stump on the one legged man in ass kicking contest.

If you've ever watch Star Wars with a girl that actually gets in to it (I only know three girls who seem to like it, Becky, who though I've only met once am very happy to know of her. K-tron, who I never see anymore, and Buffy Lloyd, one of my best friends ex-girl friends (and my first adult person type crush.) Any way, if you've ever watched Star Wars with a girl that actually gets in to it (Episodes 4-6) the opinion on who is cooler (among the rebellion squad) hands down all the girls love Han Solo.

Reasons Why:

1- It's really Harrison Ford I know, girls love him

2- More importantly, Solo has "tude" (That's space lingo for attitude,if you didn't know.) For instance, the famous line in The Empire Strikes Back when Lea says

Lea: I love you

Han confidently replies...

Solo: I know

and then in front of the Dark Lord of the Empire and the Galaxies most notorious bounty hunter Han lays one on her.

It's not that Han Solo is the big hearted bad boy, though that's exactly who he is, it's that Solo has confidence. Han doesn't need the force because he has a good blaster by his side. Enlightenment gets in the way of his fulfillment. Girls like confidence, they don't want a soul searcher, they want a man of action.

So, in using Star Wars reasoning, here are ten reasons why Han is more appealing to woman than Luke Skywalker.
1-He is sexy

2-Big Hearted Bad Boy

3-Oodles of Self Confidence

4-Argumentative (Han stands up for himself)

5-He's kind of a loner Dotty, a rebel

6-Has a big huge pet

7-His own vehicle (It made the kessel run in 15 parsecs)

8-He made the first move (he kisses Lea more than once)

9-A little thing like the heads of the Tyrannical Empire and Notorious Bounty hunters don't get in the way of him showing a little love to his main squeeze

10-Winning Smile (just check out Star Wars when he gets his medal from Lea

This leaves us with le homme (I think that's french for man, or home boy) opinion. Most guys tap into the SkyWalker thing.

Reasons Why:
1-This is because Luke becomes a metaphor for the everyman

2-It's the classic, "you mean I gotta grow up now" story, the anti-Peter Pan if you will. SkyWalker is the emerging man, he is finding his power within, learning to harness it

3-He training his mind and body while finding a connection with the force (could be religion, chi, or just controlling your appetite, or Internet addiction). Luke is on the pathway to enlightenment. He is dealing with his daddy issues while striving himself to become a men.

Guys like SkyWalker (minus the whining) because he's more than a bad ass who has a weird crush on his twin sister. Guys like Luke because he wants to be more than the football player, head crushing jock. He knows he's a good pilot, as good as Han, well almost, and it could get him plenty of galactic tail. But he is looking for something deeper more meaningful, he is trying to find his inner power.

Now it sounds like I am trying to sell the idea of Luke over Han. I'm not, I like them both, I think guys need to somehow possess both character traits. What I am saying is this. Guys, well let me back track, most guys who aren't assholes are looking for something great within themselves. Girls want the guy who already knows what they got and aren't afraid to show it, strut it if you will (that solves the anomaly of Mick Jagger, no one struts like him and he can still get a ton o chicks, and by the way, I didn't mosey into this blog looking for a fight, but The Stones, OVERRATED, in my opinion.)

So here are the top ten reasons why guys like and relate to Luke

1-Soul Searcher (much like guys)

2-Has a lightsaber (best weapon ever)

3-Has the power to use the Jedi Mind Trick (which on weak minded sorority girls works just as well as Han's bad boy attitude.)

4-With the force and do one handed stands

5-Has Darth Vader as a father (kind of goes back to school yard days where kids are trying to work out their own machismo by stating whose dad can beat up whose dad. When your dad is the intergalactic bad ass sith lord you pretty much win that argument before it even begins)

6-See's dead people (mentors who help guide his life)

7-Can move objects through mere thought

8-Is best friends with Han, so gets to meet all the babes but gets the luxury of being a little more reliable than Han. While Han is moving from girl to girl, the true blue keepers see him for who he is, a nice well rounded boy. Not really though, most girls just want to be with Han

9-Is going to be the Jedi to reestablish the order, so he's ahead of the curve of a booming industry

10-When he becomes a man, when he finally gets that whole Jedi thing down, he is gonna be the galaxies nice guy that you don't want to mess with. Like his father he will be the intergalactic bad ass of all time

So there you have it. Guys, if you want girls to like you more than you better start mixing a little Solo into your Skywalker game. Girls, if you want a guy that's going to treat you right and be good to you for a long time you better learn to love and admire the Skywalker traits.

A reminder: Just because Han has his act together doesn't mean Luke won't. He is just figuring things out. When he finally becomes a full fledged Jedi, like his father, he is going to be one hell of a catch, so get off my back Grandma, I'll get married when I'm ready!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

two hours later

i had a date last night too. except i canceled; at the last minute. well, actually i knew i was going to cancel all day, but didn't let my date know until the last minute. it sounds mean, but i had my reasons.

here's how it went down:
(i'm working at a drive-up coffee shop. a black car pulls up to the window. in the car are two girls in their mid-twenties.)
me: so i have good news and bad. actually i have good news that attempts to make up for the bad news. the bad news is that i can't go to the bbq tonight because is have to go to this dinner for my grandma's birthday.
the girl who is driving: that's not bad news. that's good news, for your grandma.
me: well, i don't know. i mean my grandma's like 85 and going blind. but the good news is that i made you guys a mix cd.
the girl who is driving: that more than makes up for you not coming to the bbq. so, are these like your favorite songs or something?
me: i don't know about that. it's just a bunch of stuff i've been into lately. except i left out any hip-hop because i'm always nervous about hip-hop songs in the middle of rock-based mixes. i was feel like i'm trying too hard to look diverse.

some people said that mixes send the wrong signals, like if i'm willing to invest this much time picking out songs for you, then i must like you a lot. but i disagree. this mix was awesome. i would have been happy to give that mix to almost anybody.

but last night i did have a mild panic attack about giving out that mix. not because i'm worried she'll think i like her more than i actually do, but because that mix might have been too awesome. by too awesome, i mean that it's full of really weird and crazy songs.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

whats the deal with you and ned

today i got really nervous that dating will never work for me. i always had my suspicions but now i am feeling like its turning into evidence and soon will be a scientific doctrine. one theory being thrown out there on a regular basis by mom, church leaders, dating books (i have read like 3 and skimmed 7), Dr. Phil, etc. is that you date to get to know people and then you end up in a relationship. i actually really like relationships. i dont require a boyfriend but i prefer having one. because if you have a boyfriend you dont have to date AND there is always someone to watch tv with. nothing makes me happier than those two things. and its nice to have someone to talk to and you dont have to keep explaining who the people are in your stories. oh and cuddling. i like cuddling. (but i think(know) i am hard to cuddle with. so squirmy. if you plan on cuddling with me i am just going to apologize in advance). where was i? oh yes dating. it doesnt work (for me). because i dont get it. i never felt comfortable with dating. i dont get the door opening stuff. i dont understand the paying thing. i dont like answering questions about myself. i dont like talking about my job/interests/family with people i dont know. i hate almost all dating activities EXCEPT for movies and bowling and i dont like bowling on dates. i am really awkward and self conscious most of the time. so, i really dont like dating and i dont understand how it helps me get to know anyone besides myself and how awkward i can really get. and whats more is i dont even remember the last time i had a boyfriend as a direct result of dating. so maybe all those people are wrong about it (fingers crossed).

anyway i have a date tonight. i think i might only blog on days i date.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

i'm like a light bulb..everyone gets a turn

my friend said this to me the other day. is that a good thing? remember sticky notes and smelly markers? well they are getting married next weekend. i will then receive roommate number 67. i told my dad once that i have lived with over 50 women. he replied, "i wish i could say that." kinda creepy.
even though my dad wants to live with myriads of women, he is single. my mom is single too. (well she's techinically married to her 4th husband but those are minor details) wisdom comes with age right? therefore, i have acquired some very useful dating tips and information from my older single parental units and wanted to share with my blog family. please enjoy.
1. when you see an over weight single woman, lovingly refer to her as a "wide load"

2. invite your date over to play a little scrabble, then give them a cup of water as a treat

3. go to free community events and hit on homeless men. marry one of them if you so desire

4. date UPS drivers
5. invite your ex and his/her new partner over for christmas dinner

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Transitional boy/girl

One of the co conspirators and I had a brief and vague conversation about the importance of a transitional person.

Who is "Transitional Person" you ask? Well let me give you a superhero scenario. Bruce Banner A.K.A. The Incredible Hulk gets mad when someone or something really pisses him off, eventually escalating to a point of anger that he can't control, turning him into the Incredible Hulk. But in order for an average height white dude to turn into a giant green monster there has to be a stage of growth. For Bruce Banner it's that moment that his body begins to pump itself full of gamma radiated adrenaline tearing his clothing to shreds (except for his purple pair of fashionably functional pants which never seem to rip above the calves, therefore allowing him to destroy buildings and vehicles and a very comfortably and with a sense of style). The transitional stage is between the identities, he's not Bruce Banner and he's not the Hulk, he's just that weird guy in the corner who is tearing his clothes apart.

(Oh, by the way just so this isn't gender biased, here is a picture of SheHulk too. This anger thing goes both ways.)

Now relate it to people. In between long or short term relationships there seems to be a moment of transition from dependence to independent. Just like the Hulk sometimes in the process of transition, innocent people get hurt.

The Hulk has no self control once he gets to the point of transition. It's a point of no return for him, he can no longer be Bruce Banner, he has to see himself through The Hulking Out process. Sometimes I think people feel the same way after they have permanently put the kibosh on a relationship, they are knowingly changing, though it's painful and it sometimes they aren't ready for it, but like The Hulk in the midst of the transitional phase, it is only temporary and at some point the giant will emerge and like The Hulk, when the transitional phase is over it will be nothing but sheer destruction.

Sometimes the transitional person says they don't mind being transitional person without knowing (consciously at least) what they are getting themselves in to. This presents itself in such scenarios as..."Yeah it's OK if we only make out." Or, "of course this is just for fun, I know this is nothing serious." But the truth is that if you find yourself as the person thinking "thank goodness, because all I want is a good make out and then a good nights sleep." That other person is more than likely saying to themselves, and excuse me for mixing metaphors... "hooked em', now all I have to do is reel them in!"

This now becomes a situation where two people are lying to each other about what the other person wants.

So because of this very brief conversation about the transitional person I have come to the simple conclusion that, transitional person doesn't deserves to have their feelings stomped upon and rampaged all over.

Like Bruce Banner, if you feel yourself turning from one phase of relationship break up to the next and you are looking for that special "transitional" someone, you may want to think twice about what you say or do...You could end up looking like the monster who destroyed someones heart.

temporary marriages

so in iran they have temporary marriages. enough of this eternity or death till we part i think temporary might be the way to go. the time limit can be from one hour to a century so its pretty flexible and you can perform the ceremony yourself in private to its inexpensive and convenient. its a great alternative to living in sin. your marriage could last as long as this cake (which in my case could be awhile since i dont really like sugar...)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

overlapping spheres

so this weekend i have a date with a guy "CN" from my hometown who my dad has been trying to set me up with since february. my dad works with CN's mom. they talk about it all the time (if they talk about it as much as my dad talks about with me) and are hopeful that we could probably love each other forever. so CN called and asked me out and he said he would buy me a fancy steak dinner. and i said sizzler? and he said of course. and then he said in park city. and i said there is a sizzler in park city? i should google it because i think he was KIDDING about sizzler. what a tease.

anyway i had sort of a dating dilemma. it was when i should first dash all my dad's hopes and/or make his sad. sooner or later. normally i wouldnt tell my dad i had a date/boyfriend at all but i knew it was a matter of time before this got back to him. he would probably find out at the grocery store. thats where he gets all the good gossip. about me. anyway i had to decide if i make him sad by not telling him and having him find out from a third party that i went out with CN or do i disappoint him by telling him later (after he has clearly found out and been praying for it for some time) that its not going to happen.

i choose sooner. it was rough. my dad got all smiley and was like i KNOW you are going out with CN because his mom told me last week. there is a chance my dad knew he was going to ask before i actually was asked. anyway, CN is going to be here any minute so i had better go...who knows if he takes me to sizzler it could be love after all.

Friday, June 01, 2007

ambush dating

i’m pretty sure everybody has fallen victim to the ambush date. you innocently agree to hang out with a guy and his friends in an honest attempt to be social and then you show up and BAM, there are no friends…just the guy. i’m not sure why guys do this – am i really that mean of a person that they think i won’t go out with them if they ask me? are they really that insecure? do they hope that if they don’t actually ask me out on a date that they won’t have to hold the door open for me? anyway, i thought i was getting myself into this trap this past week, but luckily, friends were actually involved – whew – saved.

here’s one good example, though. a guy found out we worked fairly close together and told me he was getting a group of people-who-work-close-together together for lunch one day, so i dumbly (and innocently, in an attempt to be social) give him my number. he calls and coordinates the entire thing – “yeah – we’re all meeting up at such and such at this time, blah blah blah.” and then, not more than half an hour before the lunch was scheduled, he calls me and leaves a message “all of the people who were coming have backed out so it may just be you and me.” now, i’d maybe buy this story if “all the people who were coming” included 2 or 3 people because it’s legit for a few people to have things come up. but when the list of lunch buddies was said to be over a dozen people, you start wondering.

anyway, i knew right then what was going on and 2 options crossed my mind. the first is to not show up, but that's hard to do when you like the restaurant and you've been planning on this for a week…so i chose option number two and called all my friends in the area to see if they could come…unfortunately, since it was so close to the time (i’m sure this was on purpose), none of them could make it, or they’d already eaten. i sucked it up, made myself look as homely as possible to help deter any attraction and arrived a few minutes late. he was already there...with a flower...he took my coat AND paid for my lunch. it was a total date and i never even agreed to it. and that, my friends, is an ambush date.