Tuesday, March 27, 2007

i've got to close praiseland down...

people always say stuff like "i knew so and so was my spouse when we met" or "i just KNEW" or "after our first day i knew we would get married." i sort of dont buy it. i think people say that alot and they dont get married and then just by chance they end up marrying someone they said that about. its just dumb luck. there are probably like five people alive where they somehow knew (maybe God...probably God).

i know i have dated boys where i thought "i think we are going to get married" or i have told friends i thought they were dating the "one. also " i just really like to say the "one." are you dating the "one"? how is the "one" doing? how did you know they were the "one"? i am glad you found the "one." do you and the "one" want to go to a movie tomorrow? once you start saying it you dont want to stop.

but as it turns out i remembered i have a gift of determining the "one". colls reminded me of my gift. i KNOW when people will get married. but it only happens after i listen to their talks in church and so far has only worked with my current roommates. and it has only happened one and a half times. but thats enough for me to think its legitimate.

it happened the first time in london. after this kid gave his talk i FELT that he would marry my roommate lou. i told her about how she would marry him but she fought the idea at first. finally six months later they started to date and they married. years later in my ward in st. george after brother #1's talk i FELT like he would marry my roommate colls. but she was like noooooo he is going on a mission nooooo brother #2 is older and more attractive noooooooo i just really like his testimony (actually he gave an amazing talk) nooooo he is too young etc etc. i of course thought whatever you will get married. i have my gift. oh guess who are just now realizing they are in love...brother #1 and colls.

on an unrelated note my roommate in london husband asked her out on their first date with balloons. he went to her flat and left balloons and a note. she was supposed to let a yellow one go out the window for yes, red for maybe and blue for no. while he waited patiently in the garden for his date answer. i always wonder what he would have done with the red balloon. i dont think he should have given her the red option. thats just my advice if anyone else is thinking of using the balloon-date-asking tactic.

Friday, March 23, 2007

oh brothers

they are after me. two young brothers. who would blame them of course. apparently i am highly attractive to the prebubescent arena. in the course of a week, brother number 1 confessed his love to me over a series of emails. he used poetry, imagery, and bribery to intice me. did i mention he just received his mission call? precious isn't it? in that same week, brother number 2 asked me out on a date. i am reading your mind right now. you are wondering if i wear make up, will i look too old? good question. and on this said date, should we take my car? teenage drivers are so temperamental and unpredictable. in other news, if you have ideas for killer missionary care packages, send them my way.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

i'll pick out the curtains you pick out the sheets

so my blessings in life include family, friends and the fact i have fairly regular make out dreams. however, i havent had one in four months. it was pretty horrible. but then two nights ago i dreamt i made out with my friend todd. according to the dream dictionary this is what making out in your dream means:

Making Out

To dream that you are making out with someone you don't like in that way, suggests that you need to acknowledge and incorporate aspects and characteristics of this person into your own character. Consider specific traits that this person possess.

To dream that you are making our with a friend, suggests that you have an unconscious desire to pursue the relationship but fear that it will jeopardize the friendship.

i dont care what they mean. just as long as i keep having them. thanks todd. you broke a long dream dry spell...

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Rectification, followed by rhetorical questions

Okay. So my last post isn't true. Sure, I like boobs and I think about them sometimes, but it isn't why I "date".

Have you ever seen that movie Pump Up The Volume? There's this guy named Hard Harry who has this radio show that originates from his bedroom in the town in Arizona that he moved too. He waxes philosphic then pretends to masturbate while the kids of his high school listen. They start to rebel to the point where Hard Harry thinks it has gone too far and he considers quitting. Did I mention that Hard Harry isn't his real name? Well, since I haven't, there it is. Everyone in school wants to know who the real Hard Harry is. One girl, in particular, really wants to know. She likes him so much, she sends Hard Harry erotic emails that he reads on his show. It's pretty naughty. Anyway, she figures him out pretty quickly - which she thinks is some kind of achievement, even though he checks out a book from her called "How to Talk Dirty and Influence People" and he gives a pretty descriptive location of where he eats lunch - and talks him into not quitting. He tells her to get lost. They actually have had a tumultuous relationship up to this point. She figures out who Hard Harry is, but he denies it. Then, she shows up to his house and ends up taking her sweater off and she isn't even wearing a bra. Then she wants to see the cockring he talks about having, but Hard Harry doesn't even have one. Also, Hard Harry isn't going to have sex with her for whatever reason. He ends up doing the show again from his mom's jeep because the dad from Teenwolf (who is the uncle on Teenwolf Too) and the FCC is trying to shut him down.

Part of my first blog was true: I don't want to get married anytime soon. Another part was true: I don't have this strong need to have intercourse. So, I wonder if I am just wasting girls' time by being around them. Not that they would want to marry me, anyway, but maybe they are hard-up for better options. If that's the case, poor them. But then, what about when there is a girl who I like that might like me back? Am I wasting their time or is it okay for me to not know what I want and see what happens?

Those are my only thoughts on dating. I feel awkward even posting a dating blog because I have made woman mistakes lately that make me wonder who I am and crud. I just want to be on the team.

You know how I date

I don't really want to get married. In fact, I don't even want to have sex. I just want to touch boobs.


this blog is 100% inspired by becky’s comment on brian’s posting (thanks guys!!)

i’ve never been one to believe in soulmates or the whole one-person-for-everybody gig in a romantic sense. like becky, i think your soulmate doesn’t necessarily have to be your lover…at least i hope that’s not the case, because i already met mine and i definitely don’t foresee a marriage – damn you, danny! i do, however, think that everybody has a soulgroup…any given person is compatible with a select group, say a dozen – give or take a lot – of potential mates.

i picture it like this: let’s say i go to the store to buy some new socks. i’m not compatible with all the socks in the store - i can immediately eliminate any sissy and girly socks, gross and unkempt socks, ugly (in my opinion) socks, and any socks that just don’t fit right – too tall, too short, bad teeth… that leaves me with my soulgroup of socks. i could choose any one of those socks and be fairly happy. maybe i’ll have some buyers’ remorse, but who doesn’t with all the sock options these days?

Monday, March 19, 2007

i'm taking this dating blog serious, dead serious

i've had a difficult time coming up with material to post here. i'm pretty down on dates. i'd rather have dick cheney shoot me in the face with a shotgun than go on a date. so i feel pretty limited in personal experiences about dating i could share. while this blog seems to be broadening the definition of dating, i'm still trying to negotiate what does and doesn't constitute a dating experience. maybe i could post about people i know who date. except i only pretend to listen whenever anyone tells me some story about a date. instead i just try and imagine what utah looked like back when there was only lake bonneville.

i'm beginning to feel like lake boneville was the only women for me.

so, in the interest of this blog, i decided to join an online dating service. my first thought was hannidate -- a dating service for single fans of sean hannity to meet (and fall in love with) other single fans of sean hannity. while i'm not a fan of sean hannity, i was pleasantly surprised to see an option for homosexuals to find their hannimatch. but then i saw you had to fill out some kind of legal release form.

my next idea was to fill out a personality profile on eharmony to see how well the dating experts over there could match me up with my soul-mate. i was pretty skeptical. soul-mates? do people still believe in that stuff? i filled out the personality profile which mostly consisted of questions about my religious preference (which is severly limited, they didn't have a box for raised mormon, served a mission, turned agnostic, but plagued with questions about the nature of god and how this god would want me to live my life), how often i smoke, if i care if my match has kinds or not (i didn't), if i like "the outdoors" (i don't), how important sexual compatibility is (how can you determine who is and isn't sexually compatible with an online questioner that only asks you if you think of yourself as sensual or not?) and whether i consider myself shy (i do). then i checked out my matches. i had seven possible matches in the us, except none of them were matches. one girl loved riding her harley, one girl's favorite author was anne rice and one girl loved the outdoors (after i specifically said i didn't like the outdoors). i think this eharmony thing is a total scam. it's 29.95 a month and these are my best matches? and eharmony refuses to try and "match" homosexuals.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

dating people in the food industry

if you ever have a crush on your server i highly recommend writing them a note such as this (or having your sister write it. whatever works). even if they never call you still are boosting their self esteem and letting know they look good even if they are wearing those polyester pants.

Friday, March 16, 2007

the future of dating

probably not. well maybe. i hope so. they'd make a great couple.

but i worry that she has an idealized version of that boy in her imagination. since we're only privileged to see (and read) her inner thoughts, how can we know if that boy really looks like that, if she really kissed them or if any of this even exists other than as a drawing i accidentally came across on the internet.

the point? late-capitalism is making dating more and more difficult, just like marx predicted in the grundrisse. so there's a break-down in the line between private and public space which means everything is valued in market terms. love and relationships become economically fetishized which leads towards alienation. this alienation makes us nostalgic for idealized forms of dating we thought existed in the past. it's no wonder none of us can have successful relationships.

Monday, March 12, 2007

dinner tonight

my mom had her annual dating pep talk tonight. apparently i am supposed to go to church to meet a boy and bring him to my nephews first birthday party on friday because i am too cute to die alone (to be fair i was the one that brought up the possibility of dying alone and probably of cancer).

the pep talk didnt go over well.

i do these things to myself

i have a new 21 year old bf. he declared his secret crush on me on saturday. but i sort of already knew he had one on me when our main topic of conversation is kissing. people dont really hyperfocus on that unless they are sort of hoping all that talk turns into action.

i really want a secret crush. but i have always been bad at secrets. but on the bright side i am good at crushes. the 25 year old in the house also has a secret crush on me so i suggested a natali-thon and whoever wins gets to ask me out. i told them they could both pick a competition and then a third party could come up with a third competition and then someone gets to buy me food. i can buy mine own food. i hate my idea. the 21 year old came up with the competitions of public speaking, office triva and karate. fortunately, the 25 year old doesnt want to play.

my new 21 bf year is in class with my old 21 year bf. maybe we could double...

Friday, March 09, 2007

all things code

when you are on a date, it is helpful to speak in code words. this can be fun and rather intellectually stimulating for dick and jane dater. For example, if you say "I'm hungry" it really means "I'm full." " I like that movie" means "I hate it." "It's a lovely night" means "This night sucks." and so forth. perhaps you catch my pattern. but my favorite code exchange is as follows. "I'd like to play with your hair." to my chagrin, this is actually code for "go down my pants."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

lying does pay

i’ve come to accept the fact that i’m a compulsive liar. it’s a family trait – i can’t help it.

for example, my boyfriend broke up with me and i felt revenge was in order. after thinking about it for awhile, i decided to create a myspace.com account of a fictitious (yet perfect) girl. she had all the physical features and hobbies exboyfriend could ever want. she started writing him…they hit it off and started a little online relationship of sorts. after a couple of months, this online relationship got pretty serious and fictitious girl asked exboyfriend to come visit her (she was from alaska as it turns out). so, he bought a plane ticket to alaska to visit. timing it perfectly, i called him right as he landed in alaska and told him that I made the whole thing up…fictitious girl doesn’t even exist…i’ve been writing him acting like her the whole time…and now he’s stuck in alaska…and have a nice life.

you’re maybe laughing and maybe thinking how cruel i am, but either way you’re probably agreeing that my lying habit is bad…the thing is, that whole story’s a lie…a local radio station has what’s called a “5 o’clock phone call” where the djs ask a question and take answers from a handful of callers and the best answer wins a prize. i listen to this dumb game every day and every day i come up with good answers to the questions (albeit, not necessarily TRUE answers, but…) so, finally, this particular day posed the question “what have you done to an ex to get revenge?” i conjured up this little made-up number, called in, shared my revenge story on live radio and won a $50 gift certificate to chili’s…lying does pay.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

i call the covered wagon bed

i dont know how i feel about the themed sex room. i have mixed reviews. i mean the whole premise of the anniversary inn is kind of funny right? i dont think its bad to want to have a romantic location or destination or try to spice things up. chelsea's mom said its best to marry someone who is willing to experiment because hey you are going to be having sex with the same person you might (will) hit some ruts, low points, or periods of less enthusiasm. i just wonder how the swiss family robinson room is going to help. i mean when i was a kid i totally wanted to live on that island. but not for a second did i think about having sex in those tree huts. but i guess someone else did. jungles are pretty sexy though. i think it has something to do with how you might get eaten by a tiger (danger is hot i guess) and there are always those waterfall lakes that people end up skinny dipping in and i guess tarzan and jane had a lot of sexual tension. i think it had something to do with the loin cloth. but i dont know what that has to do with the swiss family robinson. i mean they are a family who liked to race wildlife on the beach who are trying to teach christian values.

my friend is an architect and she said she has designed a couple of these rooms. she designed the drive in movie room. i guess it takes people back to were they lost their virginity or something. but if it has like movie popcorn and real movies thats awesome right? who cares if the bed is the back of a truck if you have all that other stuff.

some other rooms are location rooms right. i get italy. bc everyone says its so romantic and its pretty expensive to go there. but whats weird is paying $200 a night to stay at the lake powell room or sun valley or jackson hole or bridal view falls. if i can drive somewhere to have a romantic encounter why would i go to a hotel that isnt there to be there. also instead of going to the hayloft suite why wouldnt you just go break into a barn? trespassing fines are probably less money. i think lighthouse rooms are good for phallic symbol purposes so i guess that is a pretty good location room.

i am pretty to very scared of the phantom of the opera room. did they even see that movie and or musical? i know i have. its terrifying. its all about this guy in a mask who kidnaps this girl and takes her down to his watery lair and there is like some mannequin dressed up like her and he tells her she has to listen to him play the organ and hang out with his little toy monkey doll for the rest of her life. but maybe some people like to be good an scared to get in the mood. its kind of the same to me with the romeo and juliet room. that story starts off nice enough with a fun costume party but everyone dies. who needs that.

these rooms are of course all targeted towards women. which makes me worried that there are a lot of women who dont enjoy sex and can only get in the mood for special, expensive occasions. which seems like a cheap trick that doesnt address their unsatisfying sex lives. but thats just my theory. unless its every man's fantasy to be prince charming. i have my doubts.