Monday, May 26, 2008

How to Land a One-Night Stand

This article is contributed by Heather Johnson, who regularly writes on the topic of best dating websites. She invites your questions and writing job opportunities at her personal email address: heatherjohnson2323 at gmail dot com.

If you’re in the position where you’re not looking to settle down for a long-term relationship and just want to have some fun then you’re looking to score tonight. This is much easier said then done. You can have a game plan before you go out for the night, but when push comes to shove most of us flake out. Confidence is the obvious key, but this isn’t something you acquire overnight. Here are five tips for the rest of us to consider the next time we need to get some:

1. Avoid the bar scene. Going out to bars is just like going to a meat market. It’s a ton of guys looking at the same three girls. Your odds are horrible. Weddings are excellent places to pick up a one-night stand. There’s something about seeing two people exchanging vows and expressing how in love they are that gets us all going. Combine that with an open bar and you’ve got a great mix. You’re going to be around girls that you don’t know and in a setting you’ve probably never been in before.

2. Keep an eye out for the signals. It’s easy to spot the girls that are out with the same thing on their mind. They’re going to be the ones on the dance floor laughing all night long. They’re looking around to see who makes eye contact. They’re at the bar getting crazy drinks. These uninhibited souls are your best chance to make a connection

3. Follow her lead. The girl that will go home with you tonight is going to take charge. Ditch your lame pickup lines. Stick with something as simple as just introducing yourself. She’ll judge you from your looks if it’s a one-night stand. This doesn’t mean you don’t stand a chance if you’re not Brad Pitt. Just a good smile and a confident look will get you far.

4. Be up front about your expectations. This doesn’t mean you have to state your sexual intentions, but make it clear you’re not looking for a serious girlfriend. If you don’t make this apparent, then she may start falling for you before you even get back to your place.

5. You’re in when you’re out. You’ll know you have it locked up when she agrees to go to another bar, preferably a smaller, darker locale. Once you’ve left the loud, annoying, singles bar you’re in a spot where you can make your move. Lean in for the first kiss once you’ve ordered the round. Your chances are good that she’ll kiss back and then it’s just a matter of how far away your place is.

Friday, May 16, 2008

a cop shot some boys and girls

i've never been so nervous writing a blog before in my life.
someones i know gave a book -- a certain dating book -- to someone else i know for his birthday.
i have sufficiently hid everyone's identity.
but that's not why i wrote that i'm nervous earlier. i mean, i really am nervous. still nervous even after hiding the identities of certain people that i know.
none of this stuff is important to the story. except the nervousness. but that's only important because it's supposed to be an excuse for how the story is written.
so the book is called something like mars and venus on a date. it's a sequel to the highly successful best seller in over forty languages men are from mars, women are from venus. a bestseller in over forty languages. that's something else. that means this guy has figured out dating.
i didn't google that best seller in over forty languages bit. i read it in the first chapter of mars and venus on a date. the forty languages may be wrong: but honestly, the first ten pages of venus and mars on a date are a commercial for men are from mars, women are from venus the book and seminars. and then the next five pages are simply different strategies for getting your significant other to read either this book or men are from mars, women are from venus or, preferably, both. specifically, it's advice for women to get their boyfriends, husbands or potential boyfriends/husbands to read these books. for whatever reason, men are less likely to read these books or attend the previously mentioned seminars. this is, according to the author, because men need to know that the books and seminars are "man friendly," whatever that means. so after multiple pages of advice on how to get the man in your life to read these books -- guilt, peer pressure, ect -- the author (i'm not gonna try to find his name) tells us that these same techniques can work equally as well for men trying to get the women in their lives' to read these books. and i thought the entire premise of the books were that men and women are different. and you can draw your own conclusions on why half of the first chapter is about how women can get men to purchase and read these books.
i don't necessarily disagree with the premise of this book. men and women are different. i mean, we're all human, but men and women have different organs, different hormones, different chemical reactions which may lead to different brain development, different socialization process and so on and so on. there seems to be biological differences between sexes in the same species all over the world. like there are these fish in the bottom of the ocean. the female is like a normal sized fish. the male is maybe 1/5 her size. when they mate, the male attaches himself to the female for life. all he does is stay attached and sends sperm, or this fish's equivalent, into the female while receiving nutrients from the food the female eats. this in a pretty far out example, but the point is that males and females within a species follow somewhat different evolutionary trajectories. they're different. but not so different that mating becomes impossible. that doesn't make any sense.
mars and venus on a date, however, isn't talking about these biological or neurological differences in human females and males. this book is interested in making money off of lonely people by exploiting their loneliness and isolation. and most of us are lonely some of the time. and that's my problem with this book. it promises that true love is just around the corner if you simply shell out that cash for this book and this seminar and this dating service when their ideal of true love or happy ever after (a phrase used at least five times in the first chapter) is totally unrealistic. in other words, this books reinforces unrealistic expectations about love and dating and relationships that creates anxiety about our own relationships (or lack there off) and then preys on this insecurity by offering solutions for a price.
that's offensive to me.
so i stopped reading the book. but here's something else i learned: if you're a girl on a date (or possibly a boy on a date with another boy) and your date opens the car door for you, you're not supposed to reach over and unlock the door for him if you want him to still be interested in you. that doesn't make any sense, even after reading the five pages the authors spends to explain why it matters.
i dont know why i was so nervous when i began this post.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


this is an anonymous guest post submitted by someone's friend. i think it might be about drugs. maybe its about being in love on drugs. or loving drugs. you be the judge.

I think we all fear it. that's part of the package actually. it wouldn't be worth as much if we didn't fear it. here's are my thoughts on why. sometimes, love is intoxicating. Sometimes it winds around inside you, filling up every vacant space you have until it actually becomes the only thing keeping you from breaking into a million tiny pieces. it gets into your veins and does things to you that no drug in the world could ever mimic. It makes things taste and feel and smell different. but then sometimes love takes. It takes and takes and takes until you are weak and pale and starving to death. Sometimes it makes you want to scream obscenities into that great black hole of a sky, scream until you run out of both words and breath. it ruins. it creates. it satisfies. it persuades. it ignores. it defines. and sometimes i think it steals things from you when you are not looking. I find it is always changing, shifting constantly from one shape to another so that you don't always recognize it when it's there. and then sometimes, softly and secretly and in the middle of the night, it disappears completely, vanishing without even so much as a goodbye note taped to the bathroom mirror. sometimes love wrestles you to the ground and sometimes it carries you through the most devastating storms. i think it is flawed and imperfect and entirely too powerful. sometimes love makes me angry. and trapped. sometimes it hurts. sometimes the hurt is good. sometimes it is the hero and sometimes the villain and sometimes it is only an innocent bystander. it is often unrequited and sometimes incomplete. there are times when it aches. times when the ache is so deep you can't find it until you sit absolutely still in a dark room. i think love is beautifully irrational, and painfully tender, and sometimes when it catches you with your walls down…completely and perfectly liberating.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

yes i am cocky enough to think everyone wants me

the parents were in town and brought their dog along. one morning, the dad and i were out walking around my complex with our dogs. now when you live in an apartment complex with a creature that needs to excrete every 2-3 hours, you start seeing the same people with similar creatures on a similar schedule. one of the people i would regularly see was this sleezy looking guy with a big lab and some sort of tiny weenie dog that you’re probably not even allowed to pet because you would crush his skull (which reminds me of this gem of a video). anyway, we’d always chat for a second while our dogs sniffed each other (gently as to not crush any skulls) – he’d talk about how he and his wife and new baby were moving out of the complex.

the day my dad was in town was the day this guy was moving out. i saw him on our walk and he started chatting with me. my dad was off a little way with his dog, so didn’t seem like he was really associated with me. i asked the guy if they needed any help and he responded, “not unless you want a sexual date?” i think i didn’t talk for a good half a minute or so trying to process what he said. finally, i asked – “what??” and he said it again “do you want a sexual date?” oh my gosh – i was so embarrassed. my dad was standing right there. how awful was this? “no thanks” i said and booked it home, not even waiting for my dad. when my dad came in, this was our conversation

me: i’m so sorry you had to hear that. some people are just scum bags.

dad: hear what?

me: oh… you didn’t hear what that guy asked me??

dad: wait… what do you think he asked you?

me: um….

dad: cause i heard something “sexual” the first time, but when he repeated it, he was just asking you if you wanted a sectional

me: oh… well my answer would have been the same