Monday, April 30, 2007

would you rather

okay, here’s a little game of first date hypotheticals inspired by the book would you rather.

would you rather:

1. your date thinks he/she is a broadway star (not the good kind…is there such a thing?) who sings everything to you and full on dances at least three times during the course of your date (true story actually)

2. your date takes you to a random high school football game (as a reminder, you’ve probably graduated high school by now) and to dinner at 7-11 on account of its "vegetarian friendly" options (this one maybe really happened to me)

3. your date creates a written “date itinerary” for you that ends with “make-out like a banshee to james blunt” (a bit of an exaggeration, james blunt wasn’t really involved but it’s a real story nonetheless)

4. your date throws up on your front porch right as he/she picks you up (and this one’s real too)

5. your date takes you swing dancing but drops you on your head six times trying to do a flip and then instead of making sure you’re okay, gets mad at you for screwing the move up (and this one…)

now remember, these are all first date hypotheticals, meaning you don’t know the person at all..choose wisely. if you want my expert advice, i think the broadway singer is the only one that hasn’t somehow permanently damaged me

Sunday, April 29, 2007

i learned this today on the linkup

Men and women with stronger jawlines are more passionate.

It's true. An angular, pronounced jawline is built by higher levels of testosterone in both men and women. And those with higher concentrations of testosterone tend to have higher drives... and more fantasies. Yeah, baby!

Friday, April 27, 2007

how f___ing romantic

i just remembered the best example of the over-the-top displays of love i mentioned in my last blog: the magnetic field's 69 love songs. they take love songs to such absurd heights that they somehow regain some meaningful sentiment. the album contemporizes love songs full of cycicism, detachment and irony showing how sincere, honest love songs are probably an impossibility. but at the same time, you can't help wishing you could sing these exact songs to your lover.

Monday, April 23, 2007

bar party

as i watch the bachelor, one of the most real and honest portrayals of love and finding "the one," i thought it was time to post another blog. i have a date tomorrow night. it is not with an officer/gentleman but it is with a man. he recently took the bar exam. in conjunction with this, i told him we should have a "bar party." this event would include checking out the one and only bar in st. george, playing on the monkey bars, eating granola bars, and maybe him washing my feet with a bar of soap. (i think we can all agree that i am most certainly a nerd) but hey, cutie bar man asked for my phone number and suggested we go for an "ice cream bar" tomorrow. i hope he lets me have two. (the bachelor guy...andy, only gives his dates wine and if they do get dessert, they have to share it with him)

Friday, April 20, 2007

your ex lover is dead

last night i dreamt that my ex boyfriend who incidentally looks a lot like Jesus fell off a building and i was sad i really was and i went over and it looked like maybe he just broke his leg and i thought huh thats ok and opened up my diet coke.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

6'2" for me, for you

here's why 6'2" is (should be considered) the perfect height for a man:

1. unless you're basically legally a midget, he won't be too tall for you.
2. unless you are an amazon woman, he will be at least 2 inches taller than you.
3. any girl can wear heels with her 6'2" boyfriend. short girls can wear anything from flats to 6" heels, and tall girls can also wear flats or heels. hell, even a 6'2" girl (if there are any) can at least wear flats. and 6' girls can still wear heels! heels 6' girl!

other heights just don't work (you [i] could probably make a good argument for 6'3"). 6'4" or 6'5"? way too tall for any girl between 5'1" and 5'8". you can still wear tall heels but it won't even put a dent in that span. also, making out is only comfortable in certain positions, and why limit yourself to certain positions?

i don't think i even need to bring up the reasons why shorter guys aren't universally the perfect height. but i will. flats your only option? no thanks! shorter than me? i don't want you to have to look up to kiss me. don't worry, there is nothing wrong with lesser than tall guys. they have girls to date. they are just not universally the perfect height.

in summary, every girl has a range of heights that she can work with (or a different height she might prefer [or example, my EC is probably approximately 6ft and some change]), but i am saying that 6'2" is the height that any girl could work with. universally, the perfect height.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

getting americans bicycling

recent entries to this blog have touched on the prevalence of idealistic dating images and the disconnect with our actual experiences dating. nat looked at a kind of generational gap in models of dating while lee commented on the near impossibility of meaningful romantic experiences while being bombarded by unrealistic medial representations of romance. with these impossible expectations about dating comes a fetishization of dating which conveniently ties all romantic experiences back into market place; you better buy a lot of shit if you want to romance someone.

so, all our dating experiences are bound to fail.

what do we do? reject these romantic images while trying to create and adopt pragmatic models of dating and romance? good luck.

lately i've been thinking i just need to accept all this bs. but accept only the most extreme idealizations and take these idealizations even further. in other words, our dates should be more like talking heads' records. especially fear of music. the category of appropriate romantic gestures should be widened to include the most non-romantic items. next time you go on a date, pack the date with mementos to be given to your dating partner throughout before and after the date: polaroid pictures of every activity, gift baskets of receipts, bubble gum, newspaper clippings, homemade drawings of national traumatic events (like the kennedy assassination), weather forecasts, junk mail and paperclips. pretty soon every gesture within (and maybe even without) the dating framework becomes loaded with romantic sentiment. at the same time, all these gestures become meaningless sense everything is romantic. everything becomes a parody of a parody of a parody of romance.

don't look for meaningful relationships growing out of these emerging dating models. maybe it's a possibility; maybe meaningful relationships are in fact an idealization. either way, at least your dating experiences will be a little more interesting.

as for an example of romantic comedies taking romantic notions to absurd heights, check out preston sturges. look here for a clip from the miracle at morgan's creek. that's a good one. but so is unfaithfully yours, palm beach story and the lady eve.

Monday, April 16, 2007

tonight at dinner

tonight my mom asked me if becky was hustling *****. i asked my mom what she thought that meant. she said it meant dating. i told her i didnt think that was a term for dating. prostitution maybe. dating no. but what do i know. maybe when my mom was growing up hustling meant dating. i decided to see if my aunt ever wrote to me about hustling. she likes to talk to me about dating. i didnt find anything about hustling but she wrote me an email on November 16, 2003, entitled boys boys boys so i figured it was probably a good source on comparative dating. as it turns out it kind of was. this is what it did said:


you are a dating machine! it sounds like the guys from canterberry place are at least not shy. if you didn't have all those other guys distracting you, you could take a chance. but, at this stage who needs it?

i just talked to emily. she says that you have been taking such good care of her. feeding her, getting her dates with hth....etc etc.

i hear that you are seeing ***** tonight and might try for a big "k" (kiss). you have my blessing. i don't think girls get to kiss as much as we did because...i don't know tell me.

good luck with all the boys, especially *****. let me know how it goes. have you kissed him before or is this new territory?

auntie v

yeah i was a dating machine in november of 2003. it was sort of a big month for me. but that is beside the point. back when my mom was "hustling" was she big "k"ing more than i am? what if the late 50's-early 70's were the best years for dating/making out and i totally missed them. oh and in case anyone was wondering i didnt kiss ***** that night. but if it had been the 50s i probably would have. my grandma used to tell me all sorts of tales about the late 20s to mid 30s. i mean her first make out was at a ward activity. wanna know what happened at my last ward activity? a boy actually ran away from me (skated). basically i think dating is less fun these days (recent decades) but everyone pretends like its way more fun. pretenders.

i am watching everyone loves raymond. robert is so awesome. his ex girlfriend amy made her date speed through robert's speed trap so that she could seem him. and then she went over to robert's and confessed that it was her plan. they had sex and she lost her virginity. who saw that coming?

Thursday, April 12, 2007


I like romantic comedies more than sometimes. I mean, some are too stupid to enjoy (The Holiday, for instance, killed my brain, eyes, and ears, despite me being in a romantic comedy and Christmas movie mood), but others can be pleasant.

Even though it really scares me to do so, I'm not afraid to admit that there are times when a good RC is what I want. I'm not an idiot, I know that quality-wise, they are sub-par in almost every way as far as movies go and that the best actors and directors avoid them. But, I can't help but like them.

One of my best friends complains after seeing a romantic movie that it depresses her because it never ends up being that way because real boys are like that. I don't agree. Her real complaint should be that boys she likes aren't like that. I think romantic comedies are more damaging to boys because they think that if they act like the males in romance movies and go to the lengths they do, they too will get the female. All they have to be armed with is sweet nothings and flowers and love will win. Obviously, it's total b__lshit.

For demonstration purposes, I will use Nat. She is funny, pretty, and her blogs are amazing. Who wouldn't want to put a baby in that? Too bad she thinks I am ugly and a bore. Maybe if I leave notes on her windshield that say things like, "Nice blue blouse" or "You look delicious always", send her spontaneous flowers, and/or take her out on a date (which she only complied to out of sympathy) where I tell her how beautiful I think she is, she will like me more than a friend. Perhaps it will take even more, like writing her poetry that compares her to flowers, helping her with yard work, or fixing her cars (note: all three of these things I can only do hypothetically, I am neither handy nor poetic). Then maybe she will want me like I want her. Probabaly d__n not, though. There are still those obstacles of my ugly face and my boring conversation topics that she will never get over (and d__n her for it). Plus, she is too busy loving Todd the Bod, who is handsome and smart and makes money (though the f__kin' b__tard probably can't fix cars like the hypothetical me can, I bet). He physically loves her back, but not like I do.

Anyway, that example was mostly just a way for me to tell everyone that I'm in love with Nat Nat forever. But it also shows how romantic movies have messed up (the hypothetical) me. It also discredits girls by giving off the idea that if a boy does it right, they have no choice but to get with them.

Romantic movies have killed modern dating by giving boys a "formula" of sorts on how to score a chick. There is no formula. Sure, you can learn a few tricks that will help you get loved, but it takes more than cheesey lines and generous gestures. Those things are for girls that already dig you. You need to have a handsome face and stuff.

First of all.....

Who wouldn't want to modern serious date this?:

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

cpk is not for me

i've never been one to "put myself out there" or "proactively flirt." but one day i went with a friend to california pizza kitchen, which always makes me feel better about myself thanks to the thai crunch salad. this particular day, i was not only feeling better about myself but i was also feeling mighty out-of-character/brave/delusional...or if you choose to use your own adjective, that works too. our waiter was a strapping young man (which means he was cute in non-romance noval terminology)

i decided while munching on my edamame that i was going to poo-poo my non-proactive ways and flat out ask this waiter out. the problem with putting your mind to something is that you tend to ignore other things along the for example, the way this waiter stood, or batted his eyes, or had an earring in his right ear...i didn't notice though - i was determined. i approached him and said something to the cheesy effect of "hey, i'm not sure if you're dating someone but if not, do you want to go out to dinner sometime?" and he said something to the lispy effect of "no, i'm not dating anybody and dinner would be fun. i hope you don't mind that i like boys." (maybe he used the word "gay" but i'll remember my story how i want). (p.s. i would strongly recommend clicking on that link and then listening to the pronunciation). i'm pretty sure i said something like "of course you are" and walked away. i really don't even think i said goodbye or anything...

so that's it - i've never made strong initial flirt actions again. the worst part is that my mom was in town the next weekend and wanted to go to cpk. we had the same waiter and my mom said something to the effect of "he's cute - you should ask him out." thanks mom

Monday, April 09, 2007

its not you its me

on saturday night i thought maybe becky and i had the same linkup boyfriend. how does that even happen? its pretty easy you are just emailing the same boy. anyway, becky was a little more serious with its not you its me than i was from the beginning. i should have known someone with a screen name that says its not you its me could not be capable of a long, loving, or committed e relationship. anyway, i called INUIM on trying to email me and my best friend at the SAME time. he admitted this:

I guess I might as well just come right out and say it.

I want to hold both of your hands. At the same time. Preferably on some kind of ferris wheel or roller coaster.

Forever and ever.

anyway, i thought wow. maybe me becky could successful date the same boy at once. this is novel. i love ferris wheels. and becky loves roller coasters. really he might just be the boy for us. but then i got this email entitled good news and bad news:

It looks like Bexy and I are probably going to get married, so you and I will have to just be really passionate friends.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person.

so it was over just like that. and i am sad i never thought of bexy before. i suggested sea foam green as their wedding color to show i have no hard feelings.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

melting pot didn't melt my heart

this will be my 4th blog post in 24 hours (see here [shameless, i know]). but i would like to relay what some have called possibly the greatest dating story ever. i don't know if i agree, but it is pretty heinous. i have a hard time telling it. last night i discovered i actually get really embarrassed when telling it. i'm not sure why.

at first i was going to leave my roommate's name as-is, but then i got paranoid and thought what if she found this one day? awkward! so we'll just call her angela. so angela started hanging out with this guy rick. i think she was set up with him but i can't really remember. they had only hung out a few times so far. i think it was maybe the 2nd or 3rd time they had hung out when he came by our place to pick her up and i answered the door. hey, is angela here? sure, come on in. i'm rick. hey rick, i'm becky, angela will be right out. that was the end of it. the next day i asked angela about her date and she told me that rick thought it might be fun if he set me up with his buddy (steve, maybe?) and we all four could go out together. are you down? i told her no. i'm not into blind dates, but thanks. she eventually talked me into it. she thought it would be really fun and she'd be there, right? so easy breezy! so i agreed.

the plan was for the girls to meet the boys at melting pot. i was stoked. melting pot? totally worth gaining 15lbs in 60 min. so i thought, hey, this might be a pretty okay night afterall. the day of the date, i got home from work and angela had bad news. rick had called and something important had come up and he was going to have to cancel last minute. he felt so bad for having to flake! but becky should still go because apparently rick had made a good case for becky and (possibly)steve still wanted to meet her at the melting pot. what? no way! i agreed to certain terms and conditions to this date which are no longer in place! but, becky, steve is expecting you, angela says. you should just still go, its no biggie. so i say, fine, and i go.

well, i get to melting pot a little nervous for my blind date. i walk in and tell the hostess i am meeting someone here. are you becky? yes, yes i am. your date is already seated. so she walks me to the table, and who is sitting there? rick.

dear rick,

that took some balls, i'll give you that. unfortunately, it's not the kind of jerky balls a girl like me would ever give the time of day to. i hope you got that message when i asked you who the hell you thought you were and walked out of the melting pot.



its over

so you know when you have a mini crush on someone you hung out with a couple months ago and so you want to get to know them better and so you are excited when they called to hang out last night but you think they know about your mini crush or you friend told them about it and it gets blown way out of proportion in their head because they think they suddenly have all this hand and start putting on this whole act of being too cool and standoffish so instead of talking to you they text someone all night and more or less ignore you and its awkward because you talked this guy up as being really fun and cool to your best friend and she is like yeah is it weird that he is acting like we arent in the room i am pretty sure we should have watched the queen like we planned.

has that ever happened to anyone else? anyway, when it happens to me i like to leave and say good night i had fun (but without any sincerity behind it) and get in my car and delete their number.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

sticky notes and smelly markers

bless their hearts. their conversational hearts that is. my roommate and her boyfriend (now fiance') take it to the limit every time. and they don't even like the eagles. on every month anniversary, both parties participate in junior high exchanges of lovey dovey chocolatey sticky note flowered homemade card goodness. i believe they are on their 10th month of dating- due to marry in june. just precious. this brings me to pownder on the whole concept of anniversaries. (and yes i pownder...not ponder. it's different) one month the fiance' decorated roommate's car with sticky notes after church. another month she received a dozen roses and a new pony. well the pony never made it but i'm sure it tried. poems, scavenger hunts, and framed pictures of their relationship bliss adorn her bedroom dresser..all products of such anniversaries. please hold. thank you for holding. i would now like to share some specific quesitons with you...results of my powndering:

  • if a couple celebrates every month...what is it called? a month-a-sary?

  • if one of the brothers and i started dating, what would our first monthasary gift be? maybe i could get brother #1 a missionary pillow case.

  • do certain parties in a relationship (perhaps you the reader) feel driven by guilt to participate in obligatory monthasary rituals?

  • and finally, is a monthasary related to a monastery in any way?
with love, hearts, snuggly wuggly cotton pajamas and singing telegrams,


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

date is a 4-letter word

do you ever wonder what the origin of a word is? for example, my last name is walker – probably came from the fact that my ancestors walked a lot. my mom’s maiden name is barfuss...that’s just sad.

in trying to determine the origin of the word “date,” i’ve concluded that it is most likely an acronym. a multiple-meaning acronym to fit any specific scenario.

i usually view the date (event) as a Discounted Approach To Eating.

but then the date (person) typically ends up being a Determined A__hole Talking Ears-off. or someone Desperately Attempting To Emote.

and all i can think is please Don’t Assume Torrential Expectations because this just Doesn’t Add-up To Equal.

but who knows? maybe someday one of my dates will stand for Destiny! Access To Eternity

rain is falling looks likes love

ok i have been writing my fair share of blogs lately. i apologize. i live with my parents. and they dont have cable.

i feel as though i should clarify my "one" position. i just wanted to say i dont
believe there are many predestined "ones". but i do believe in predestination. in that you always choose that "one" person you end up with. so you were always going to choose that "one" despite the fact it wasnt destiny. so in a way its still destiny. i havent worked all that out yet. (and by that i mean agency).

i was never good with fate. it scares more me than dakota fanning. if there is fate and you are supposed to marry some"one" i would mess that up faster than anyone i know. i mean i would probably walk by my predestined "one" and think did that guy spill mustard on his shirt...yeah thats mustard. and walk away. thats probably what i would do.

so i have put some thought into why people might like the idea of fate or the "one". this has a mormon twist. here is the deal with mormons. they believe in a preexistence, existence, and then eternal life with four different eternal options. the whole thing is connected. or something.

anyway, i think that people like the idea of a "one" that they knew in the preexistence who they meet on earth and marry and then they get to spend forever with. its nice. its like everything is tied together. people find comfort in patterns. thats why there is so much repetition in the church. we use the same sacramental and baptismal prayers as the Nephites. its the tying of the past present and the future. and thats why people probably like the idea of a "one" in mormondom. i dont know why or if gentiles like the "one".

speaking of nephites that reminds me that in the above-fore mention church that many single women comfort themselves by saying if they dont get married and find the "one" in this life they are totally going to get hooked up with Nephite or a stripling warrior (who i am pretty sure were actually Lamanites). i find no comfort in an eternal future with a dead guy (warrior status or not) if that means i die a virgin. but i am impressed with anyone that finds comfort in anything in that kind of situation.

Monday, April 02, 2007

why'd you have to be so cute?

ok so occasionally we all met people and we think you are nice and your personality is ok but you are so hot that all i can think about is making out with you and i forget how to flirt (talk) when you are around me and i just really really want to touch you. that happens. on occasion.

one such occasion happened to me awhile back. becky and i met this guy (she met him before me) and she was like he is soooo good looking and i was like whatever he is probably just some above average cute guy (sorry becky its not that i dont trust you i just had no idea how good looking he could be) and then she showed me his linkup page and i totally perved on it. again and again. and i was like he is sooo good looking. and then we went to a party with him once and i just kept thinking he is soooo good looking. anyway, most of my thoughts about him consist of sooooo and good looking.

you can imagine my excitement when my friend got set up with him. they went out and had fun but alas. no making out. sigh. but then my friend remembered he offered to fix her sink. so she called him and he said sure i will come over on saturday and fix your appliances. (he really is a nice guy but looks are his strong point). anyway he came over and took off his shirt and fixed her sink. after he was done she made him dinner and they started talking, and he said we should finish this conversation up on the couch. and she said how about my hammock? and he said even better. (for the record my friend never even thought that was for sure a cuddle like the rest of us would think, she is really just that naive. but then he laid down on it long ways and of course there was nothing for her to do but lay down right next to him, and close for balancing purposes) where was i? oh yeah so of course they start to cuddle. and then they start to kiss. and he is a good kisser (i have another friend who kissed him on a bear skin rug. and swore up and down he was the best kisser she had ever kissed). so my friend is making out with this really good looking guy on her hammock who happens to be a great kisser. it has all the makings of the best make out ever.....

and then her mom walked in on them. its horrifying i know. my friend said she was half on top of him and going at it like champs. she forgot her mom was coming over for dinner. who wouldnt in that situation? i hope her mom wasnt too startled to notice how good looking that guy was. anyway my friend untangled herself and introduced the guy who just fixed her sink.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

goodbye my lover

i was dating a boy one time and then we broke up (i'm starting to wonder if there are other options that actually replace breaking up??) only he didn't want to break up and he wasn't afraid to let me know that. it's flattering to feel wanted even after you stomp on somebody's heart, but it's not flattering to be told that every time he hears the song "goodbye my lover" by james blunt, he thinks of me. aside from the lyrics being at best like an amateur stand-up comedy skit (i'd be the father of your child?? wow...) james blunt is so whiny! if anybody ever expressed their love for me in that tone, i would either a) laugh without meaning to or b) start calling them randy parker.

this love confession happened awhile ago, but my sister informed me that somebody she knew started crying just the other day when this song came on the radio because it reminded her of her old boyfriend...i'm really concerned with how we're starting to define post-relationships