Thursday, December 13, 2007

love is going on

so today i went to costco on my lunch break. there were a lot of cheese samples. there was also some kid that becky i knew back in the day (probably six or seven years ago in provo). he approached me with a baby and said:

some kid: what was your name again?
natali: natali
some kid: oh thats right.
natali: how are you? i see you had a baby. thats great.
some kid: i didnt have a baby. i was a part of the process but my wife actually had the baby.
natali: in my head (i just remembered how much i didnt/dont like you. i know men cant bear children. well i think i read somewhere a man had a baby once. but obviously it was a science/social experiment and not naturally occurring. why would you make such a lame joke? perhaps you just want people to really think about your sex life/acts/penis. that is probably the real motive behind that comment because humor cannot be it).
natali: anywayyyyyy.... she is a cute baby (she wasnt).

i had a flash back to six (maybe seven) years ago when he tried to date our whole apartment. he was always kissing becky on the check. he pretended it was because she was latin (she isnt)(he knew). he was just hoping she would forget how annoying he was and let him kiss her mouth. she didnt forget. then there was our other roommate (haley) who was actually interested in him. they cuddled sometimes but it never got too far. they had been cuddling the night before this very conversation:

some kid: so natali can i take you to dinner sometime?
natali: (no. what a relief i have a built in excuse) arent you interested in my roommate haley? in fact didnt you cuddle with her until 3:34 a.m. last night?
some kid: sure. but i am interested in you too.
natali: yes well about that.....
some kid: cant i read the natali and haley books at the same time?
natali: um no. you have to finish one first. we arent a library you know. you read one and return it then you can start on the second one. and even then unless you just sort of skimmed the first one its frowned upon. (i really dont know why i have to explain this to you. everyone knows this. i will probably run into you in six or seven years at costco and you will make some lame ass joke about how your wife actually had a baby and not you).

and i did.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

some people's ex-boyfriends

remember this guy? he was ruthless when it came to asking me out on dates. any chance he got – even if i was sitting there with my youngin boyfriend at the time. so, i got word that this guy just called the youngin (mind you, we broke up back in august when he went back to school) and asked, “do you mind if i ask ck out?” to which the youngin thought a) would’ve been nice if you asked my permission back when we were actually dating and b) where the hell did you get your dating etiquette? but instead he said “fine by me.” which i secretly hate him for

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

those love songs sung so suddenly

in a comment from the previous post, i parenthetically remarked that dating involves more than simply the assessing and acquiring of potential mates. i may be wrong about that. in some sense, everything we do is motivated by the possibility of sex (or motivated by the consequences of sex as in the raising of children). i mean, it's all in our genes, right? but maybe that's a bit reductionist.

what was my point?

have you ever been on a date where both of you knew, pretty much the minute the date starts, that there was no possibility of sex between the two of you either that night or ever?

(is this a fairly normal occurrence on blind dates? if so, i think it's because who you're attracted to is a complicated matter, one you have a difficult time articulating to yourself. so how are your friends and family going to choose someone you'll like?)

one time i was set up on a blind-date by my friend jenny. she set me up with someone in her institute class. here's how the pre-date phone call went:

her: hello?
me: hello?
her: who is this?
me: brian. who's this?
her: sarah.
brian: hi sarah. your classmate, jenny, said i should call you.
sarah: oh yes. she thought we should hang out sometime, so i wanted to ask you: would you like to come with me to this cinco de mayo party on friday?
brian: sure.

during this part of the phone conversation, we hammered out the details of the date and i received directions to her friend's house where we'd meet before the cinco de mayo party. i wrote the directions to her house on my hand in magic marker. here's the end of the phone conversation:

sarah:how do you know jenny?
brian: i met her through work.
sarah: she is so great; she has the strongest testimony.
brian: i wonder why she's never bore it to me.
sarah: should we start to get to know each other now or wait until the date?
brian: we could start now. [long pause.] what's your favorite beatles' record?
sarah: sgt. peppers.

i forgot what else we talked about. as i hung up the phone, i do remember thinking we probably weren't going to hit it off. i think she felt the same way.

so the next day i'm driving around some neighborhood in sugarhouse checking street names and house numbers against the information i have markered on my hand. i finally arrive at what i think is the house. i check the number on the house: 628. i check the number on my hand: 628. right then a cadillac pulls into the driveway of 628. someone's grandparents get out of the car. i don't want to walk up to the door with these grandparents so i pretend to be looking for something in the back seat of my car. but grandpa's got a walker and i don't know how long i can reasonably fumble through these papers in my back seat without drawing attention to myself. i should just get out now, i think to myself. out of the date? probably, but instead i get out of the car and walk to the door. i'm half way up the driveway when the grandparents are let in.

the lady at the door: hello. you must be brian. sarah's inside.

so then i'm introduced around. there's sarah, sarah's friend, sarah's friend's parents, sarah's friend's grandparents, sarah's friend's younger brother, sarah's friend's boyfriend, another friend of sarah's and that girl's boyfriend. we still had 25 minutes until the enchiladas would be finished cooking. then sarah's friend's younger brother's prom date showed up. then everyone went out back to take room date photos leaving grandpa and i in the living room. we were watching a basketball game. i think it was a playoff game between the kings and the lakers back when kobe was just a kid. then grandpa fell asleep. with everyone still in the backyard and looking to be back there for a while, i knew what i had to do. i got up, walked out the front door, jumped in my car and drove off.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

sweep it under the rug and hope for the best

i saw lake of fire last week at the tower. it's a complicated documentary about abortion. it's visually interesting (or at least unsettling), approaches the issue of abortion from all sorts of perspectives, focuses on the reasons for the politicization of the issue and challenges your position on abortion regardless of what that position is. fight, my roommate, asked if it would be a good first-date movie. we decided it would be as long as he pretended he didn't know the movie was about abortion.

what do any of you think?

imagine you where asked out for a first date and the guy is like, "i heard about this documentary that supposed to be really good. i'm not sure what it's about but my roommate said it's definitely worth seeing." then you go to the movie and it turns out to be about abortion. then after the movie is over, the guy's like, "i was just kidding about not knowing what the movie was about, but i thought it would be a good icebreaker for our conversation after the movie." would you want to go on another date with this guy?

(p.s. the movie shows two abortions but the guy is charming and funny.)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

settling to settle down

i've been thinking a lot about settling lately. not in the sense that i'm thinking about doing it. just the concept.

i've found that the older i've gotten and the more i've gotten to know myself and determine the things in life that are important to me, my "deal breakers" have changed. or disappeared. something that was a deal breaker for me 5 years ago is something i don't even think about anymore.

but here's the thing....where is the line drawn between losing deal breakers and settling? if we are in a relationship with someone, and there are red flags and deal breakers, do we just tell ourselves that things aren't deal breakers because we are in love and it hurts too bad to think about things ending? maybe everyone who settles has just convinced themselves that they have matured, or become more open-minded or accepting and that their deal breakers have changed, when in reality they still care deeply about those things but assume that in the long run it will work itself out. and then i just think in the long run you discover that they didn't work themselves out and those things were important to you and now you are unhappy. or not necessarily unhappy but unfulfilled.

that's what i am starting to think anyway.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

i am not going to say i dont believe in evolution just so i can be friends with robyn

i generally encourage relationships. generally. there are always the unhealthy ones i frown upon. but relationships end right. well some end. the majority end. so i guess i am wondering the morality behind actively trying to break up a couple. is it wrong to facilitate the process? is it more wrong when you want to date the person you are trying to break up. it seems wrong. but it doesnt stop me from doing it on the occasion.

such an occasion arose last weekend when my friend came into town. his family hates his girlfriend. as do i. but really only because they are dating and not because i have ever met her or know any personality traits that are worthy of my dislike. so his brother in an attempt to get rid of the (non)offending gf once and for all asked me to seduce his brother. i said creepy and sure. however, my seduction skills were promptly called into question. i am awkward and unsmooth and uncomfortable with touch(ing)(people i havent touched before)(regardless if i like them). i blame it on being skinny. skinny people have a harder time with smooth movements and coordination and circulation. anyway i said i would attempt a seduction, even if it was uncomfortable--for the greater good.

actually the conversation went like this:

friend: we hate my brother's gf
natali: seriously how are they still (living) together.
friend: maybe you could seduce him and they would break up
natali: i am not against this idea
friend: too bad you really shitty at seducing
natali: jerkface. how would you know?
friend: you are really awkward
natali: true but if i put my mind to it i think i get push past it get the job done
friend: we are screwed
natali: well maybe just your brother (get it screwed?)

so said brother and i hung out all weekend and i tried to sabatoge his relationship. he is interviewing for a job in utah but his gf doesnt want to move here. i told him he would love salt lake. i said the word fun a lot. i have no business using that word so freely. i also planted lots of seeds of doubt surrounding his current relationship. so there was that. and then on the 38th time of saying he should just move to slc he told me what was the point i would just get married the second he moved here. that is probably when i promised i would not get married. lie. i probably will. i actually thought i would right before he moved here. that is just the kind of timing i see myself having.

as for the actual seduction i mostly just gave him a prolonged hug. and told him i might have cancer (sexy i know) and he said if i DID he would come back to see me. i thought that was really nice. so maybe i will fake cancer. which i already know to be immoral so i wont debate it.

Monday, October 22, 2007

michael scott and soy sauce

i had this dream last night where i was at a wedding reception and somebody asked me to make a sauce for the cake. they told me to mix whey and soy sauce to make it…so, i was rummaging through the kitchen looking for soy and whey. it was a big kitchen. there were lots of drawers and cupboards. who has whey at their house? who knows what whey is? needless to say, i couldn’t find any of the ingredients. and it was hot. so i took my jacket off and kept rummaging. all of a sudden, steve carrel sat down at the kitchen table and started talking to me. we were just shooting the breeze for awhile and the whole time i kept thinking “why doesn’t he help me look for these ingredients? why is he just sitting here talking to me.” and then i looked down and noticed that i didn’t have a shirt on under my jacket so i was standing there in my bra. and i thought “ohhh – that explains it.”

why is this on the dating blog? eh, i don’t know. it was a wedding reception.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

serious case of the aches

i have been thinking about how best to approach work shopping dating. somehow i am going to compile the posts and comments and come up with something that is...complied. then i will give it to people for christmas presents.

the way i see it is that every post already fits into some category. but i would like to hone it a bit. i think what i would like to do is solicit posts regarding a general area of dating one at a time so that we have more direction and focus. that being said i really want the contributors to write whatever they hell they want. most of you are on inactive status anyway. so i am just pressuring you to write.

oh so here is the topic that is open for debate/discussion/definition/etc:

What constitutes predating/initial dating/casual dating/attraction and or chemistry?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Breaking up with your girlfriend's boyfriend.

I don't think blog entries need introduction but I think that this one might need some explanation. You see my girlfriend and I recently had an amazing modern, serious dating experience which we collectively felt needs to be told to the world. It's been a while since I have written an entry so I felt, as did she, that this was the perfect opportunity to write a blog about a recent experience that we hope helps you, the collective readers of this blog, to make good dating choices.

So I'll start out...My gf and I have been happily dating for about four months (and argumentatively for one month). During this time of courtship my gf told me that she had this admirer from across the ocean, I won't say where (England), who was writing her consistently. I figured that was ok, after all, it wasn't like the guy was an exotic European like Spanish, Italian or Austrian...(Think Shwarzanegger). Let's face it, English and sexy don't go together, David Bowie had to start cross dressing just to be considered sexy. How big of threat could he be? He lived a continent away, he was on the loosing end of a two-hundred year-old butt kicking that we celebrate annually by blowing crap up.

Then in August his emails started becoming more and more frequent...I'll let my gf explain.

Dr. Girlfriend
So let me give you some background on how this relationship blossomed into his obsession with me. I have some British friends who had a friend over from England. They told me that he was bored and that he needed to go out with some American girls. I was sort of dateless and let's face it desperate at the time so I agreed to go out with him. I picked him up (he can't drive in America) and we had an amazingly romantic night at the Sizzler and the pictures (British for movies.) It wasn't the best date of my life but it wasn't the worst either. So he wanted to go out again and I being still dateless agreed to go. At the end of the date he kissed me on both sides of my face and asked for my email address I gave it to him thinking that if I ever went to Britland I would have at least one person to show me around. So keep in mind this was a total of 2 dates. TWO DATES!

Let me interject here a few things before we continue. English guys are pervy, I can just see this lechorous old fart (did she mention that he's a decade older than she is?) licking his wind cracked lips with a smarmy grin shuddering as he says "blimey mate, I sure would like to get me hands on some good American tail." Also, ladies if you go to a guys hometown who you think is kind of creepy the last thing you want them to do is be your tour guide. Trust me, you will be better chasing around the fat, white tennis shoe wearing tour groups, at least you won't end up on the ass end of London wondering if this was the last alley some of Jack the Ripper's victims saw.

Dr. Girlfriend
Anyways the email started out friendly but then they got more and more frantic. This is the one I received that set Jefe off. I will paste some of the best parts here..
"Well before I retire I need to ask you if you received my last 4 e-mail's I
sent you,I'm presuming you did,but I didn't hear any replies back from you.
Anyway I sent you one on the 6th august and mentioned that I was more than
likely coming over for thanksgiving,so I was really hoping to meet up with
you again and see if we get on as well as we did before,also so I can book
ticket's and make plan's with you.By the way where are the photo's of the
red dress your mom brought you,you promised me you would send me some. Hope this reaches you and the other one's I sent you did also. love and miss you lot's."

That's straight from the email.

I wouldn't say it set me off, but I certainly felt like this was a problem, kind of like the little pest who keeps threatening you, even when his big bully body guard friend is gone. The thing that bothered me was that my girl friend hadn't told him we were dating, and she assured me he looked like this...

Now I'm no Tom Jones, but I certainly can out shoot that guy in a pretty-pretty contest. Still I felt that it was only respectful that my girl friend told this guy that she was involved with me.

Dr. Girlfriend
So Jefe decides to send him an ever so friendly to let him down easy. This is basically how it went. met a boy, he lives in Salt Lake, he's a school teacher, he loves
the gospel and we've been seeing each other for about five months, he
met my family at the end of July and they love him, as do I. That's
why I haven't written you in so long, it's been a busy summer, when I
haven't been working or planning parties, I've been with him.

I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner about this, I think you're a
wonderful friend, and I really would like to see you again if you come
to America, but I would feel better if your plans didn't totally
revolve around me.

There are many women who would be lucky to have you, it's just the
distance between us was so far and life moves so quickly, I wish you
well, and hope for the best for you.

I think that makes it pretty clear. Don't you? Well here is the response I got. The title of the email was best "if i don't see you" and then what followed was this.

just need to know and ask you this one question in one of the e-mails you
sent me when I got back ,you asked when I was coming back over and what my
plans were for the summer.If I had come back in may or june would there of
any chance of us getting together and something happening between us?
I just thought we got on really well and was hoping to carry on where we
left off from february.I only ask because of the e-mail you sent me today,it
sounds like if it wasn't the distance between us that you mentioned,there
would of been something there between us-answer yes or let me know if I'm
reading it right.
Anyway I only ask because I had a friend who I was helping out staying with
me,he's getting married in 2 wks to a sister missionary who served in my
ward.She finished her mission and they kept in touch by phone when she got
back,it's been a long process for them but they've sorted the visa's out
from both sides and now she's over her till they both go back.
Anyway I'll go now but boy's find it harder to deal with than girl's,it may
sound daft what I've asked but I'm devastated and will have to see how I
feel when I come over.

"WHAT?" I said out loud when I read this. I'm not known for my alpha-male prowess when it comes to girls, admittedly I'm kind of an emo-ult (emotionaly+adult = emo-ult) when it comes to girls. Even I knew that this was ridiculous. Which really reminded me of what I said earlier about Jack the Ripper, I'm still wondering where in White Chapel this chap resides!

You see, the first letter I really wanted to let him down easy. When I read this second letter I realized that this guy was actually making a play for my girlfriend! I decided that if this limey snaggletooth wanted to have a chivalrous fight for the heart of my gf, then the gloves were coming off. This time I sent him (yes me, my gf didn't really want to have anything to do with writing him back) a very poignant letter that was going to impress upon him the idea that not only were his electronic advances on her unwanted and inappropriate, but that it was borderline electronic assault!

Dr. Girlfriend
So this is the email that Jefe sent (with my approval of course) I would like to be honest too. My boyfriend and I love each other alot. Things are pretty serious between us.

To be honest I think your absolutely wonderful and I had a nice time
with you but I didn't feel anything more than friendship between us.
It is this reason that I wrote to you to begin with. I think you are a
great guy, I know that somewhere there is a girl waiting for you,
dying to meet you who will appreciate you for all of the good
qualities you possess.

I thought Jefe did a great job of being as direct as possible this time. I just hoped it would finally get through to this guy that despite all of the fantasies in his head about us being eternal companions stuck on seperate continents would be obliterated. So after that email I got no response. I told my british girlfriend about it the whole thing and she said he usually took things like this way to far and pretty hard. She said she hoped he wasn't sucidal. I began to worry, I didn't really want to be responsible for something like that. So a month passed and I still didn't hear from him until one day I got this email...

hi there it's me writing to thank you for the e-mail,I'm glad your'e
happy and you were honest with me(even though it does hurt)I'm still hoping
to come over for thanksgiving and stay with the friends I stayed with last
time. Well I'll get going now but I'll see how I feel when I come over and if you
want to see us again.

So I have to say I am glad he didn't commit suicide over our internet break up but you got say this guy doesn't back down easy.

First of all, what's up with the usage of plural nouns to describe himself. If I say "us" in meaning "me" wouldn't you assume that A) I am schizophrenic with multiple personalities. B) I'm Karl Malone or C) The fleshy facilitator of the spirits known as legion? I know it's petty to be so persnickety about such details, but you can see how exasperated I am at this point! This guy is relentless. I thought that after he hadn't emailed my gf for a month that things were over, unfortunaetly this guy thinks that no matter what him and my gf are destined to be together.

So, what's the reason for all this. Well, I like to think of it as a small morality play. First, for all of you who are chasing tirelessly after that lad or lassie that you think is the one and she isn't returning your phone calls, or he isn't taking you out on honest to goodness dates, they arne't in to you. If your most intimate conversations occur through text message, if your most meaningful means of communication is email, it's not working. If you went out on two dates and you feel like it's meant to be, then it's time you put your heart and your head back in the oven of maturity, because you were taken out a little early, and your still a wee bit soft in the middle.

Second, if you have a stocker, if they be at home or abroad try being honest. You help no one by indulging people's hopes. Your not being kind, your being cruel in a very socially exceptable way, which really isn't exceptabel at all. The hard thing is that sometimes that person your unintentionally (or intentionally) stringing along will do some pretty amazing things to keep you interested, like invite you to stay with them in their exotic home country (England?) They may offer to buy you tickets to see Arcade Fire, or buy you huge teddies. The truth is that as the mentally healthy one, you need to take a stand and kind of push people through their misguided feelings and guide them in the right direction. Trust me, there is someone just as crazy as them (or you) that will love them for who they are, rotten teeth and all.

Friday, October 12, 2007

he built himself a world and put people on it

i was at my niece's birthday party a week or so ago when my dad told me about how he read that people are attracted to each other because of pheromones. specifically, he said, we respond to pheromones secreted by people with different immune systems than us. this makes sense since the offspring would have a more more complex immune system which would lead to a higher chance of survival. this bit of information from my dad surprised me because we have very different views on the evolutionary history of humans -- he believes god plays a big part in it while i barely believe in god. but whatever. the point of this retelling is you (and i mean i) would be surprised how many people believe that biological processes not controlled by our conscious self largely determine our social interactions.

lewis thomas talked about this stuff all the time. i think because he was an entomologist and saw humans sharing many of the characteristics of other social species like ants and bees. the example of his that comes to mind is how his researcher friend would measure his beard trimmings of periods of time he was out in the wild doing research where he didn't see any females versus the periods of time he lived in the city (and saw females and interacted with females all the time). he grew substantially more facial hair when he was around women.

twice in my life, i've created arbitrary checklists for girls i would be interested in. it's a stupid thing to do, but it was supposed to be a joke about people who prefer blonds over brunettes or whatever other superficial way we construct our dream baby. (i mean baby in a gender-inspecific, pet name kind of way, but mostly i used dream baby because i like the roy obirson song by the same name.) but the joke really didn't work because i didn't realize i was (and am) an idiot.

the first time i was 22 and had just got out of provo. my checklist: (1) didn't own a cellphone and (2) listened to the pixies. the first girl i liked after creating the checklist owned and regularly operated a cellphone and barely knew who the pixies were. the second checklist came a year later: (1) live within 15 minutes of me, (2) own a car since i hate to drive and (3) play(ed) soccer. the next girl i liked, while living close and owning a car, didn't like soccer.

so much for my checklists. but i'm ok with having no control over who i'm attracted to. i let my genes handle that.

(p.s. i used to think the pixies were cool and while i still like doolittle, the jesus and mary chain are way cooler.)

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Strung Along No More...

i meant to do some sort of introduction for guest posters but of course but i forgot at the time and then remembered today when i asked brian about it. he suggested doing some sort of italic introduction at the beginning of any guest post. that is what this is. the author tends to like bold pure colors... greens and blues.... sometimes rust and burgundy... i believe this post was inspired (and correct me if i am wrong) by my post on what is or isnt a relationship/dating and the ever changing definitions/situations.

How is this for a dating story… or um… I don't know what to call it since I was never really given permission to define the drama… but according to the criteria…
1. Held hands
2. Kissed
3. Kissed more
4. Stopped kissing
5. Still held hands
6. Invited to move into boys house when girl needed a place to stay
7. Most holding of the hands and cuddling stopped
8. Emotional intimacy and occasional hand holding and cuddling

In girls mind: more than just friends
Boy’s introduction: housemate

In the beginning:
Boy pursues... but then he just really doesn't… Girl interested and then not… girl deletes boys number… boy calls several times… he is pursuing again… girl interested again… girl spends most of summer with boy… because of lame circumstances girl ends up living in boys house temporarily… he offered… a month later boy meets another girl at a party… original girl is at the same party… boy starts dating the other girl… this is confusing… girl original doesn't understand… two days prior boy shared very intimate conversation… cried… and boy and girl cuddled… boy told girl how much he cares about girl… and that these things take time…and everything he likes about her… boy is totally sincere… (Girl being of the salt of the earth kind of girl recognizes sincerity)…

Okay… so two days after totally intense conversation boy goes on date with new girl… of course old girl knows about this because she lives in his house and can read him like a book… boy calls meeting up with the another girl just something to do… boy insists that he has feelings for girl original… talks about how he will miss her when she is gone… girl is not convinced… girl tells him so… girl and boy talk about it for several hours… next day boy hugs girl … smiles… flirts…at this point girl doesn't trust boy and will not be lured in by his ways… and of course that night boy goes out with new girl again and tells third roommate that she is "a woman I am seeing"… boy is a liar to girl original…
Girl number one loses respect for boy… she is finished

But wait… why does it infuriate the girl when boy brings new girl over… if girl really is finished why would she be so enraged??? Girl so close to telling girl in front of boy that she is “only something to occupy time”… but girl leaves for yoga instead.

Girl is angry…

In yoga girl imagines a little three inch version of herself totally enraged… girl holds the little angry self in her hand and watches her… it was kind of weird and cool in a very cosmic sort of way…

Later in conversation a friend tells girl she has no right to be angry because she knew what she was getting into… girl realizes it is true… girl was seeking a relationship with a boy who is too broken to have one… it is not girls fault… it is not boys fault… it just is…girl is looking for clarity and the ability to honestly see the truth in the situation… to understand what it is girl was looking for in boy and how she would and will never get it…

Even with this newfound clarity that will continue to clarify…

Girl original ate love brownies made by new girl…it is the least new girl could do for original girl… thanks for the brownies… they were really good… good luck new girl… and it will probably not be as fun as you think it will be.

Girl original is now doing yoga everyday… sweating the boy out of her system…replacing him with an open-heart… clear mind… and connected spirit…not to mention a smoking body…

Thursday, September 20, 2007

i am dealing with it on a date to date basis

i think brians idea for everyone to workshop (post) modern dating theory is a good one. although to a degree it has already been accomplished. dating standards, ideas norms, mores and values can be extrapolated from the previous posts but one must make a lot of assumptions and read between the lines (not unlike dating) in order to come to any conclusions. i think it would be interesting for everyone* to write about the different stages (i think brian did a great job of outlining those) and the problems in each stage and in general.

anyway i thought i would discuss predating. or my ideas on predating. situations i include in the predate are people you want to date, people you are actually dating (initial stages) or maybe even that guy at the bonfire on saturday who wants to ask you out when all you want to do is talk about autism and fire safety.** my analysis of the predate also has a great deal to do with gender roles. it seems like traditional gender roles are emphasized during the predating stage.

perhaps my disdain for dating derives from my disdain for gender roles and i am afraid if i participate in formal dating it would be endorsing traditional gender roles. a traditional date consists of a man calling a women and the following activities occur (if he wants to get kissed goodnight (on the third date)): picks her up at her house (maybe meets her parents, seeks fathers approval), opens her car door and any door she may encounter through out the night, pays for the food and and the movie (i do like movies), and then takes her home and walks her to the door. during the night the man may discuss his ambitions and education and his ability to provide and the women will discuss her family and hobbies.

the whole activity is designed because men have traditionally shown respect to women through a series of meaningless or close to meaningless acts (such as walking on the side closest to the road). furthermore providing for a women used to be paramount to any marriage relationship (so the boy pays). meanwhile these actives encourage the woman to take a more passive role to the date (perhaps so they can showcase their supportive role to their potential spouses ambition and ability to defer to his reasoning).

my problem with the whole system if i dont feel respected when someone opens my door. i feel respected when someone listens to my opinions and values my ideas. i dont care about earning potential or a man providing for me i just want someone who is there for me. i can be supportive of someones goals/careers but in return i want someone to be supportive of mine. i think the perfect first date is when two people go out and their conversation isnt marred by expectations and their actions arent dictated by the their chromosome alignment. if dating was like that i would do more of it.

*we are open to people writing guest posts if you would like to submit one please email me (contact info on my profile) and we will consider it.

**the guy kept trying to ask me out and i kept not letting him. finally the smoke from the fire started blowing our way and i had to move away from him and he asked if i telepathically asked the fire to do that so i could escape and i said i didnt think so....but am i telepathic? with fires? this could open a lot of doors.

Friday, September 14, 2007

what will future anthropologists say about our love?

i've been taking notes for this post for a week now. instead of gaining some focus about what and how to write i've got pages of ramblings in my notebook. i'm afraid this post my be all over the place and boring. but whatever. you gotta write something.

this post is inspired by natali's post about her friend who got email-dumped months after hanging out with some guy. (i thought email-dumped was a funny thing to write, but obviously that's not what happened since she was already engaged to someone else and that guy was hurt about something and decided to take it out on her.) but the questions i see growing out of this incident (and out of many of the stories related on this blog) is what are the different types of dating, where are the lines of demarcation between different types of dating and what gestures are appropriate within which types of dating?
(on a side note: how come when you save drafts it reduces all your double-spaces after periods to a single-space? i know it's not a big deal, but i really like the look of double-spaces between sentences)

i actually wrote like twenty different questions related to understanding, identifying and negotiating different types of dating, but i'm not going to list them since they're sort of repetitive. they all have to do with the problem of changing feelings within (somewhat) fixed relationship categories, the pressure of fitting personal dating experiences into idealized cultural/historical dating norms including nostalgic dating models that prove ineffectual in the information age (maybe because digital communication changes dating relationships) and the relative fluidity of gender roles which challenge older dating models.

but you get it, right? or maybe not. maybe this is my difficulty with dating: articulating feelings.

so i think our blog (rather than me alone cause i don't know what i'm talking about) could and should workshop this. we'll collectively develop a loose theory on post-modern (mormon) dating. i like the very generic classifications of pre-dating, dating and post-dating. maybe something of a continium like pre-dating -> dating ->post-dating where each category blends into the next (with sometimes post- blending into to pre- in the case of dating someone for a second time). it'll be difficult, but i think we can do it. we'll need to seriously challenge our current notions of dating and get rid of actions and attitude that don't hold to the scrutiny. i mean, if you want to.

Monday, September 10, 2007

i need help

25 and-a-half years ago (happy half-birthday to me yesterday), i laid in the hospital nursery batting my little eyes and crying an inherent flirty cry to the little boy babies around me. (this is actually a lie – i was in an incubator with jaundice for two weeks..) the point is, we’re all born with the natural ability to flirt. some of us lose it between about first and second grade when pinning your love interest and spitting in his/her face all of a sudden seemed like the best way to show your affection. others lose it later in life when they never grow out of spitting on their dates. anyway, i’d like to think i’ve kept a fair amount of my flirting ability over the course of my life. i can’t tromp the best of them, but i recently grew out of my spitting phase, so i guess i’m about average. i can hold my own – we’ll say that.

and then, enter the internet (boo! hiss!) i’m yet to get into the whole internet dating thing – not for any particular reason – i’m not anti or anything, i just haven’t delved into it. but i do know this – online flirting is definitely not included in the inherent-flirting package. we weren’t born knowing how to online flirt. and that’s recently become painfully obvious.

see this random boy (if you want to know his name, ask me. there’s a good chance you might know him – crazy small mormon utah internet-savvy world. then you can just hook us up in person) wrote me on the ldslinkup saying something brilliant like “hey what’s up.” i’ve gotten messages like this before, but this time, the boy seemed not only fairly normal, but also fairly attractive and fairly my type. so i wrote back something equally as brilliant like “hi you’re hot.” we exchanged a few emails in a very short period of time (like hours) and then he gave me his beloved email address, so i immediately (per the norm) emailed him…and then nothing…so, i wrote back to him on the linkup just making sure he got my email because how silly if we stopped talking due to msn thinking i was spam-a-lotting. he wrote back immediately “yeah i got it. sorry, i’m busy with school now. i’ll email you soon.” perfect. how heavenly. but then nothing for awhile. and then he found me on and asked me to be his friend. and i immediately responded yes and then wrote something flirty(?) on his wall. and then, he removed me from his friend list…and i haven’t heard from him since… (p.s. i think my pictures look normal, but i might be wrong)

so here’s my question. what the hell am i to do? it occurred to me that i’m probably seeming way too excited to talk to him given my immediate responses and should play harder to get, but he’s cute and i WAS excited to talk to him and it was only like 2 sentences at a time so i feel like that doesn’t even count. plus, how do you play hard to get over the internet? but now he hates me. and i can’t write him again and tell him not to hate me because then that’s just sad. so what is normal online flirting protocol? what should i do next? i’m probably supposed to marry him but because i’m not wired to online flirt, my destiny is kissing me goodbye (only without the kiss, which is too bad…unless he’s a bad kisser…how am i even to know?)

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

sorry i have a thing for energy consumption

the past two days i came to a couple of realizations. first is that i hate basil more that i knew. my office kind of smells like basil. the second is that breakups can happen at any time regardless of your current relationship status. in fact it bears little relation to your previous relationship status. you never know when you will breakup. i think i always knew this but it really hit home after THIS happened to my friend. you should read THIS. its pretty good. just because you are engaged it doesnt mean some guy you went out with 7 and 1/2 times eight months ago wont send you and email with a belated clarification that you were never dating and you were just hooking up. and that his new girlfriend is a model. and although he didnt mention how big his new girlfriends breasts are you can only assume large and perky. he will probably clarify that later.

i admit its hard to know if you dating. but there are classic signs. holding hands, calling each other tiger/kitten/muffin and going to movies with each other more than other people. so if its hard to know if you are dating its equally tricky (perhaps more) to know if you should break up. the world is kind of complicated and undoing relationships proves a challenge. but its a skill that you should really try and develop because most of the people you date arent going to be in your life in two months (weeks). i am not quite sure what the best approach is to breaking up. i did get best breakup ever nomination once so i feel like i have some insight into the matter. i think you should ONLY break up with someone you havent kissed/touched/dated in three weeks (or however long) and no one has said anything about it (because the phase out was appropriate) if you dont like them and you are feeling kind of spiteful. otherwise i think you dont need to break up.

why does my office smell like basil?

Friday, August 31, 2007

i sort of liked pukey yellow

i apologize for all the changes in color that the dating blog is undergoing. perhaps i cant decide what direction i want it to go and this is reflected in my changing colors. or perhaps some people blog in different colors and its impossible to read in the new backgrounds. i think i have found an appropriate background so that post posts can be easily viewed.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Quite The Vixen

A 37 year-old accountant named T Ceccarelli. It’s truly shocking how many assumptions I made in the twenty-four hours between the time I learned the basics about my blind date and the time he showed up at my door in a Cosby sweater.

He’s 37 years old. Ten years between us. That’s not so much. I mean, after the brief Old Man Daddy phase I went through in college, this is insignificant. He’s probably sane and stable with interesting life observations. That’s what 37 is like, right?

He’s an accountant. I’m usually attracted to more artistic (cough:gay:cough) types, so the thought of spending the evening with a nerdy numbers guy is less than appealing. But then again, nerdy is smart and smart is hot. What could be hotter than an intelligence so profound, it impedes social functioning? I can’t think of anything. Well, maybe one of those tricep tattoos. Those are nice.

Ceccarelli. Can I safely assume he’s Italian, then? I think so. Yes. He’s all Italian and dark and handsome and aged (pronounced with two syllables). Who cares if he’s an accountant? Turns out, I wouldn’t even have a chance to think about his job. I’d be too busy trying to remember the chant for disapparation.

From the moment I met T, he took my breath away. By which I mean, I could barely breathe when I saw a man other than my grandpa wearing tasseled loafers and no socks. I know what you’re thinking. “How could you tell he wasn’t wearing socks?” I’m glad you asked. I can only assume he was a few inches shorter in 1992, when he purchased the Silver Tabs. Or maybe thirteen years of vigorous machine washing and tumble drying did it… but whatever the case, he was wearing tiny pants. So just to recap: colorful novelty sweater (mock turtleneck, natch), miniature pleated jeans, tasseled loafers and just the tiniest sliver of delicate man-ankle.

The date went as most blind dates do (or maybe just mine):

1. Dinner
2. Awkward discussion of what to do next
3. Awkward drive home
4. Awkward negotiation of physical contact
5. Dry heaving, audible shuddering, fitful sleep

Dinner was mostly unremarkable, save for the part where T gave me a compliment. I think.

T: So, you mentioned you’ve been working out and getting healthier…

Reno: Yeah.

He slowly, creepily examines the portion of me visible above the table and says,

T: Well, I don’t see any need for that.

Apparently, my upper half looks healthy. Mission accomplished. I decide to stop working out. I’m also going to start drinking whole milk instead of 2%.

Just in case you’re wondering, I ordered an Asian salad and put back about fourteen diet cokes. T had chicken pot pie and a can of Ensure. No, he didn’t. That was mean.

The part of the date between dinner ending and the drive home is fuzzy. I remember walking through the entrance to the casino (it’s not just a clever screen name – I’m really from Reno), where we planned to see some stand-up comedy. I remember thinking, as I looked around frantically, “Gah, I hope none of my friends are here tonight.” Or worse.

The part I remember very well is this: T asked me (as he reached for my hand) if he could hold my hand. His was plump and damp (two words, incidentally, I hope are never used to describe me). I had no choice. He hand-hold raped me. I know I didn’t really fight it, but I didn’t say yes. I think I managed something like, “Mmrghg. You’re funny.”

Consistent with the night’s theme, the stand-up was sub-par. I spent most of the time curled up in my seat with my knees tucked under my chin, murmuring better punchlines. Looking back on it now, the show was probably the highlight of the night for me. It was the only time I felt like I didn’t have to look at or touch or think about my be-tasseled date. Except for the moment when the comic pointed the two of us out, as a couple, and made some un-funny comment about relationships. I wanted to scream, “I’m not with him! We’re not in a relationship! He hand-hold raped me! He doesn’t even look Italian!” But I didn’t. I just hugged my knees tighter (not an easy feat, by the way; I’m bottom-heavy) and began planning my escape.

It was on the drive home when I started feeling guilty for how shallow I had been all night. Is fashionable clothing really that important to me? Does a guy really need to play the guitar and be 26 years old to win my affections? Am I just a mean, judgmental bitch? I hadn’t even bothered to ask him what his interests are… or what his favorite movie is. I decided at that moment to give T a chance to redeem himself. An opportunity to wow me with his knowledge of music, movies, books… anything. The rest of the drive back to my house went something like this:

Reno: So, what is the best book you’ve read this year?
T: Ummm. I’ve really just been reading the Wall Street Journal lately.
Reno: Really? Is it pretty interesting?
T: I guess.
Reno: What was the last book you read?
T: I don’t know. It was probably fifteen years ago.
Reno: Oh, right around the time you bought those pants?*

Silence. Freeway whizzing by. Silence.

Reno: If you had to listen to one song for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
T: Hmm. That’s a tough one. Hmm. Have you ever seen Free Willy 2?
Reno: Umm.
T: The theme song is awesome. Seriously. I think the cassette is under your seat.
Reno: Umm.
T: Yeah, that’s probably what I’d choose. Although it’s tough because I also really love “In The Air Tonight.”
Reno: By Phil Collins?
T: Exactly.

Silence. More freeway. Silence.

Reno (for some reason, I kept going): Favorite movie?
T: Oh, that’s easy. Bad Boys 2.
Reno: Would you mind punching me in the face?

We turned the corner, heading toward to my house.

The plan was simple: when the car stops, get out. Just open the door, extract yourself from the vehicle and walk away. The car stopped. I fumbled around looking for my purse. Had it slipped between the seats? While I was searching around the floor of the car, T was carefully removing his eyeglasses. By the time I had recovered my handbag, he had placed them gingerly on the dash. Oh, dread. Oh, dear. As I reached for the door handle and attempted to leave, T went in for the kill. And it really was like a kill. I certainly felt dead inside.

Approximately thirteen hours later, T backed off. With the tiny oval imprints of his bifocals (I mean glasses) still visible on the bridge of his nose, T looked deeply into my (mostly dead) eyes and said goodnight. My response: “Mmrghg. You’re funny.”

I scrambled out of the Ford Bronco, waved back at T, entered my living room and promptly commenced item #5 (see above). I think I was washing my hands for the tenth (and second-to-last) time when he sent a text:

“I had a gr8 time tonite. Your quite the vixen.”

I still hope he doesn’t mean the reindeer.

I was surprised when he called a few days later, asking if I’d like to go clothes shopping with him sometime. I wondered what I had done/said to clue him into my horror. Was my disgust that obvious? And if he knew all along I was horrified… how was he able to go through with the kiss of death? These are questions to which I will never know the answer. I told T I wasn’t interested in shopping. I knew there was nothing he could buy at the mall that would make me forget about our evening together. He was going to have to let me go. He seemed to understand. He had seen it happen before. In Free Willy 2.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

i am ugly thats why its weird

the inherent problems with my dating blog are as follows:

1) people you dated/liked/broke up with/went to 2rd base with/crushed on/maybe stalked/etc read the blog

2) number one makes it so you cant be honest or there is retaliation/hurt feelings/potential break ups/you are no longer allowed to get to 2rd base/etc

anyway. i am probably going to start a secret dating blog. good luck finding it.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

my modern, serious online date is dead

i've been emailing a guy for 2 months. i met him on one of today's top critically acclaimed dating websites. this saturday we are meeting for the first time. aside from planning what i will wear, i also plan to bring pepper spray and perhaps a tazer.

i have only had one other online-turn face to face-date. you may recall my recollection in a march 9 entry of "all things code." he thought when you touch someone's hair, it means "please, don't hesitate to go down my pants." that date went really well.

so yeah..i'm a little nervous. although we have been emailing since june, that really means nothing. we have even had a few phone convos. but you can be anyone on the internet. (or so our friend brad paisley says..and country songs are always true) what if this guy (who says he's 5'10") is actually 5'3"? what if he really doesn't play tennis like he says and then we'll have absolutely nothing to talk about? what if he takes me to mcdonalds and gives me a $3 limit? (but maybe i will get to go down the slide) what if i want to chow down like the chic in this picture?

i actually prefer looking into people's eyes as opposed to hearing their vocal chords or reading their typos. i am just nervous. i may sweat. and i may kill him with pepper spray, but we'll probably end up making out

our christmas lists


Monday, July 30, 2007

it's all maxwell's fault with his bitter poetry

the pick-up lines employed today at bars, gyms, college campuses and grocery stores are usually generic, obvious, unfunny and sexist. i blame popular movies, tv and strip-malls since all have a financial interest in an homogenized american culture of love and romance.

but when you'er at a social event and want to talk to someone new like that girl wearing that black, summer dress (because you think it's funny to have a summer dress be black) or that cute, dark-haired boy with jeans rolled up into capris and you're shy, sometimes you need a line to break the ice. too bad all the pick-up lines you've ever heard in your life are stupid and couldn't possibly give that boy or girl a hint of your dynamic personality. so, we need to reinvent the pick-up line.

here's some ideas i've been work-shopping with a couple friends (i, or my friends, have yet to use any of these lines in real life, so i'm looking for both new ideas as well as constructive criticism on the pick-up lines we've already developed):

you start, "hi, what's your name?" and they answer and ask you for your name and you say, "joe campbell, i mean camel." then they ask something like "you're name is joe camel like the cigarette cartoon?" and you say, "no, i just needed an opening. boy it sure is hot outside, but it's nice here with you."

you ask, "what would you say is your favorite . . . (long pause) . . . favorite color in the rainbow? i think mine's blue."

you make eye-contact and then hold your hand up to your ear with your pinky and thumb extended and mouth "call me" even though they have no idea what your number is.

if you're with a friend, you whisper to your friend "recite them lyrics, dude." then your friend extends one arm and says "oh babes for who we've traveled through time," and then you extend an arm and say "will you come back to san diemas with us? we'll have a really good time." (actually you quote bill and ted's directly but i can't think of their exact pick-up line.)

if you're at the gallivan center for their thursday night concert series you ask, "man, is this just a boombox playing? cause it sounds great."

Sunday, July 22, 2007

what not to do

let's pretend you're a guy who likes a girl and you think to yourself "hmm..what charming things can i do to win over the heart of this young lass?" here is a list of things that might not work that great:

1. tell all your mutual friends that you like her and that she likes you...before even going on a date or talking for more than 3 minutes (especially if 2.8 of those minutes consist of talking about why mit romney should be the next president)

2. ask her to take you to the airport during rush hour traffic an hour before you need to be there, talk about mit romney on the entire drive, and then leave your phone AND wallet in her car. then have your mom - yes, your mom - call her phone once she's almost home. this was the conversation "hi, this is nate's mother. he told me he left his phone in your car. would you mind meeting him back where you dropped him off to give him his phone?" that wierd? it's a total ambush meet the parents.

3. ask her out on a date and then when she can't go, ask her sister out on the same date...

4. realize and acknowledge that she's actually dating someone else - and then ask her out on a date the next day

5. call the boy she's dating and ask him if he wants to go out on a double date - you, the boy she's dating, her and her sister

6. call again the next weekend to ask her on a date

7. when she explains that she can't because she's going on a date with the guy she's actually dating, invite yourself along

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

no one has ever invited me to the grand canyon

i really liked this picture of my friend shane. i didnt ask his permission to use it in this post but i know he hates (the idea) of blogs so there is a very low risk of him ever finding out. my mother just notified me that my little brother has been talking to a girl for twenty minutes and asked if i had ever talked to a boy for that long. i replied yes at least a hundred times. she was pretty impressed.
sometimes i think about kierkegaard and his ideas about human love being selfish. it kind of is. i mean if you fall in love it seems by definition you stop thinking/caring/and/or/noticing that other people exist and have feelings (or eyes for those who touch excessively). i wonder if it is possible to somehow pull yourself out of your relationship long enough to notice others. i really only notice how self absorbed a relationship makes me when i am not dating and i am just a spectator to other relationships. so maybe falling in love is nice but not so nice for those around you. if you are the type that talks about your relationship excessively and/or stops hanging out with your friends and/or you dont wait until others have safely left the room to get to second base and/or you talk about how much you like your signifcant other's hair/eyes/ass to every person you come into contact with then perhaps you should sit back and think wait...i should change that.
kierkegaard thinks you can do it and so do i.
for the record i really like it when people hold hands. i think its the nicest form of affection there is. way better than kissing and/or pet names.

Friday, July 06, 2007

why do you hate me i thought we were friends

being single is so busy. people try to make you think that when you're single everything is carefree and you can just sit back, relax, and not worry about anything but yourself and once you get hitched and start having kids, that's when life gets hectic....WRONG. being single is one million times more busy than being married. and here's why: you are expected to be social. go on dates, go to parties, leave your house, etc. married people like to be social now and then...get together with other couples for game night or a movie, go to dinner with the singles, etc. but they aren't under any social obligation to be so. single people are. if you aren't social it's "no wonder you're still single", or if you don't have plans on at least one weekend night you have problems. not only that, but you are expected to keep in touch with everyone you've ever known. your friends who dropped off the face of the earth and stopped talking to you when they got boyfriends/girlfriends suddenly want to talk all the time and meet for lunch on a regular basis once they are married.

the difference in the busyness factor is especially pronounced in comparison with people who married young. my little sister got married at age 20. how many roommates did she have that she is expected to keep in touch with? zero. how many exes does she have that she is "still friends" with? none. the longer you're single, the more people you accumulate that you have to keep up with. not that i don't want to keep in touch with old friends and former roommates, but i have basically been living on my own since i was 19, so that means that i've had (if i'm doing the math right) A HUNDRED MILLION roommates. i used to think i could set aside a certain day (say sundays) to call people that i've been neglecting. but then i realized i'd be on back to back calls for at least ten straight hours. when would i have time to nap? or watch movies? or read a book? this is why i've been unintentionally boycotting this epidemic. and when i'm not listening to voicemails of "where have you been?" or reading emails that say "i thought we were friends, why do you hate me?" i am mostly at peace with it.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i picked up this dream in catholic school

so although i am currently not dating it hasnt stopped me from trying to set other people up. it works for some people. i personally take credit for two happy couples and one unhappy couple (sorry about that). so today i thought i should set up "stacey" and "steven". i dont know why. i just thought i am sick of work is there anything else to do? (i usually check out ebay or go get a coke). but not today. so what happened is i texted stacey and said hey do you want to get set up with my friend and she said yeah and i texted steven and said do you want to get set up and he said yeah. so i gave steven stacey's number and i washed my hands of the whole thing and left it to fate/hormones. but then stacey decided that she had been set up on a lot of bad blind dates and just wanted to meet steve before they ate dinner together. you know a predate (code for i want to see if he is cute). so her master plan was he could come by her house with me and we could hang out. i said....hmm yeah let me ask steven. so then she said maybe he could fix my computer. and i said... yeah let me ask. so i told steven and he said he would go (he also said ouch she doesnt trust you AT ALL) but i said i thought about it and i didnt want to go watch him fix her computer and talk about their interests and mutual friends (me). i know all about their interests and me. its sounds both boring and uncomfortable. i think i would feel just as awkward watching people try and date and if i am going to go through that then maybe i will just date myself. not date myself like take myself out but go on dates myself.

anyway a lot of people are weighing in and said i should go with steven. but i have been watching a lot of top chef lately and i dont think i have time.

mind the (age) gap

so here’s my question. what is the perfect age gap? let’s pretend (i’m maybe not really pretending) that i’m kind-of sort-of crushing on a 22-year old. um…yeah…22 year old. remember my comment to jefe about how luke skywalker isn’t eligible because he isn’t established? yeah, the youngen (as i call him) hasn’t even declared an undergraduate major yet. and he doesn’t have a car…hmm…anyway, we went out saturday afternoon – our “going out” usually consists of playing frisbee and eating at sonic because he’s a poor college kid but wants to be a gentleman so won’t let me treat.

then saturday night, i went out with the president of this company – i didn’t dare ask how old he was, and he clearly wasn’t TOO old, but based on the fact that he’s started and successfully sold 3 companies so far, owns an amazing house and a dog that’s bigger than i am (not relevant, but still true), i’m guessing he was late 30s (don’t quote me though – i have a horrible sense of age). he did know how to wine and dine me though. very different than the youngen.

i’ve never dated someone younger than me before – and the youngen is even younger than my baby sister…we have fun though, even though i feel like i’m robbing the cradle a bit. on the other hand, mr. president is a lot of fun, but is maybe too established for me. there’s something to be said about struggling through financial life a little bit together and living on cardboard couches for awhile right? so i wanted to ask all of you dating-advice pros – what’s your perfect age gap? do you date your exact age or is there a variance of a few (a lot?) years?

here are the pros and cons i came up with for both:

younger guy/older girl pros –
- girls live longer than guys so we’ll die around the same time
- girls reach their sexual peak in life later than guys do, so maybe we’ll hit it at the same time. bow chica bow wow

younger guy/older girl cons –
- i don’t want to pay for my honey’s schooling…is that selfish?
- guys age slower than girls so i’ll look really old compared to him

older guy/younger girl pros –
- he’s done with school
- there's something to be said about a guy who can take care of you

older guy/younger girl cons –
- refer to the opposite of the “younger guy/older girl pros” list

Friday, June 15, 2007

Galactic Know How

Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus...Get it? Thanks Dr. Grey, for stating the obvious and for your bunk relationship advice. Didn't you get divorced? Your relationship suggestions are as helpful as a wooden stump on the one legged man in ass kicking contest.

If you've ever watch Star Wars with a girl that actually gets in to it (I only know three girls who seem to like it, Becky, who though I've only met once am very happy to know of her. K-tron, who I never see anymore, and Buffy Lloyd, one of my best friends ex-girl friends (and my first adult person type crush.) Any way, if you've ever watched Star Wars with a girl that actually gets in to it (Episodes 4-6) the opinion on who is cooler (among the rebellion squad) hands down all the girls love Han Solo.

Reasons Why:

1- It's really Harrison Ford I know, girls love him

2- More importantly, Solo has "tude" (That's space lingo for attitude,if you didn't know.) For instance, the famous line in The Empire Strikes Back when Lea says

Lea: I love you

Han confidently replies...

Solo: I know

and then in front of the Dark Lord of the Empire and the Galaxies most notorious bounty hunter Han lays one on her.

It's not that Han Solo is the big hearted bad boy, though that's exactly who he is, it's that Solo has confidence. Han doesn't need the force because he has a good blaster by his side. Enlightenment gets in the way of his fulfillment. Girls like confidence, they don't want a soul searcher, they want a man of action.

So, in using Star Wars reasoning, here are ten reasons why Han is more appealing to woman than Luke Skywalker.
1-He is sexy

2-Big Hearted Bad Boy

3-Oodles of Self Confidence

4-Argumentative (Han stands up for himself)

5-He's kind of a loner Dotty, a rebel

6-Has a big huge pet

7-His own vehicle (It made the kessel run in 15 parsecs)

8-He made the first move (he kisses Lea more than once)

9-A little thing like the heads of the Tyrannical Empire and Notorious Bounty hunters don't get in the way of him showing a little love to his main squeeze

10-Winning Smile (just check out Star Wars when he gets his medal from Lea

This leaves us with le homme (I think that's french for man, or home boy) opinion. Most guys tap into the SkyWalker thing.

Reasons Why:
1-This is because Luke becomes a metaphor for the everyman

2-It's the classic, "you mean I gotta grow up now" story, the anti-Peter Pan if you will. SkyWalker is the emerging man, he is finding his power within, learning to harness it

3-He training his mind and body while finding a connection with the force (could be religion, chi, or just controlling your appetite, or Internet addiction). Luke is on the pathway to enlightenment. He is dealing with his daddy issues while striving himself to become a men.

Guys like SkyWalker (minus the whining) because he's more than a bad ass who has a weird crush on his twin sister. Guys like Luke because he wants to be more than the football player, head crushing jock. He knows he's a good pilot, as good as Han, well almost, and it could get him plenty of galactic tail. But he is looking for something deeper more meaningful, he is trying to find his inner power.

Now it sounds like I am trying to sell the idea of Luke over Han. I'm not, I like them both, I think guys need to somehow possess both character traits. What I am saying is this. Guys, well let me back track, most guys who aren't assholes are looking for something great within themselves. Girls want the guy who already knows what they got and aren't afraid to show it, strut it if you will (that solves the anomaly of Mick Jagger, no one struts like him and he can still get a ton o chicks, and by the way, I didn't mosey into this blog looking for a fight, but The Stones, OVERRATED, in my opinion.)

So here are the top ten reasons why guys like and relate to Luke

1-Soul Searcher (much like guys)

2-Has a lightsaber (best weapon ever)

3-Has the power to use the Jedi Mind Trick (which on weak minded sorority girls works just as well as Han's bad boy attitude.)

4-With the force and do one handed stands

5-Has Darth Vader as a father (kind of goes back to school yard days where kids are trying to work out their own machismo by stating whose dad can beat up whose dad. When your dad is the intergalactic bad ass sith lord you pretty much win that argument before it even begins)

6-See's dead people (mentors who help guide his life)

7-Can move objects through mere thought

8-Is best friends with Han, so gets to meet all the babes but gets the luxury of being a little more reliable than Han. While Han is moving from girl to girl, the true blue keepers see him for who he is, a nice well rounded boy. Not really though, most girls just want to be with Han

9-Is going to be the Jedi to reestablish the order, so he's ahead of the curve of a booming industry

10-When he becomes a man, when he finally gets that whole Jedi thing down, he is gonna be the galaxies nice guy that you don't want to mess with. Like his father he will be the intergalactic bad ass of all time

So there you have it. Guys, if you want girls to like you more than you better start mixing a little Solo into your Skywalker game. Girls, if you want a guy that's going to treat you right and be good to you for a long time you better learn to love and admire the Skywalker traits.

A reminder: Just because Han has his act together doesn't mean Luke won't. He is just figuring things out. When he finally becomes a full fledged Jedi, like his father, he is going to be one hell of a catch, so get off my back Grandma, I'll get married when I'm ready!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

two hours later

i had a date last night too. except i canceled; at the last minute. well, actually i knew i was going to cancel all day, but didn't let my date know until the last minute. it sounds mean, but i had my reasons.

here's how it went down:
(i'm working at a drive-up coffee shop. a black car pulls up to the window. in the car are two girls in their mid-twenties.)
me: so i have good news and bad. actually i have good news that attempts to make up for the bad news. the bad news is that i can't go to the bbq tonight because is have to go to this dinner for my grandma's birthday.
the girl who is driving: that's not bad news. that's good news, for your grandma.
me: well, i don't know. i mean my grandma's like 85 and going blind. but the good news is that i made you guys a mix cd.
the girl who is driving: that more than makes up for you not coming to the bbq. so, are these like your favorite songs or something?
me: i don't know about that. it's just a bunch of stuff i've been into lately. except i left out any hip-hop because i'm always nervous about hip-hop songs in the middle of rock-based mixes. i was feel like i'm trying too hard to look diverse.

some people said that mixes send the wrong signals, like if i'm willing to invest this much time picking out songs for you, then i must like you a lot. but i disagree. this mix was awesome. i would have been happy to give that mix to almost anybody.

but last night i did have a mild panic attack about giving out that mix. not because i'm worried she'll think i like her more than i actually do, but because that mix might have been too awesome. by too awesome, i mean that it's full of really weird and crazy songs.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

whats the deal with you and ned

today i got really nervous that dating will never work for me. i always had my suspicions but now i am feeling like its turning into evidence and soon will be a scientific doctrine. one theory being thrown out there on a regular basis by mom, church leaders, dating books (i have read like 3 and skimmed 7), Dr. Phil, etc. is that you date to get to know people and then you end up in a relationship. i actually really like relationships. i dont require a boyfriend but i prefer having one. because if you have a boyfriend you dont have to date AND there is always someone to watch tv with. nothing makes me happier than those two things. and its nice to have someone to talk to and you dont have to keep explaining who the people are in your stories. oh and cuddling. i like cuddling. (but i think(know) i am hard to cuddle with. so squirmy. if you plan on cuddling with me i am just going to apologize in advance). where was i? oh yes dating. it doesnt work (for me). because i dont get it. i never felt comfortable with dating. i dont get the door opening stuff. i dont understand the paying thing. i dont like answering questions about myself. i dont like talking about my job/interests/family with people i dont know. i hate almost all dating activities EXCEPT for movies and bowling and i dont like bowling on dates. i am really awkward and self conscious most of the time. so, i really dont like dating and i dont understand how it helps me get to know anyone besides myself and how awkward i can really get. and whats more is i dont even remember the last time i had a boyfriend as a direct result of dating. so maybe all those people are wrong about it (fingers crossed).

anyway i have a date tonight. i think i might only blog on days i date.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

i'm like a light bulb..everyone gets a turn

my friend said this to me the other day. is that a good thing? remember sticky notes and smelly markers? well they are getting married next weekend. i will then receive roommate number 67. i told my dad once that i have lived with over 50 women. he replied, "i wish i could say that." kinda creepy.
even though my dad wants to live with myriads of women, he is single. my mom is single too. (well she's techinically married to her 4th husband but those are minor details) wisdom comes with age right? therefore, i have acquired some very useful dating tips and information from my older single parental units and wanted to share with my blog family. please enjoy.
1. when you see an over weight single woman, lovingly refer to her as a "wide load"

2. invite your date over to play a little scrabble, then give them a cup of water as a treat

3. go to free community events and hit on homeless men. marry one of them if you so desire

4. date UPS drivers
5. invite your ex and his/her new partner over for christmas dinner

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Transitional boy/girl

One of the co conspirators and I had a brief and vague conversation about the importance of a transitional person.

Who is "Transitional Person" you ask? Well let me give you a superhero scenario. Bruce Banner A.K.A. The Incredible Hulk gets mad when someone or something really pisses him off, eventually escalating to a point of anger that he can't control, turning him into the Incredible Hulk. But in order for an average height white dude to turn into a giant green monster there has to be a stage of growth. For Bruce Banner it's that moment that his body begins to pump itself full of gamma radiated adrenaline tearing his clothing to shreds (except for his purple pair of fashionably functional pants which never seem to rip above the calves, therefore allowing him to destroy buildings and vehicles and a very comfortably and with a sense of style). The transitional stage is between the identities, he's not Bruce Banner and he's not the Hulk, he's just that weird guy in the corner who is tearing his clothes apart.

(Oh, by the way just so this isn't gender biased, here is a picture of SheHulk too. This anger thing goes both ways.)

Now relate it to people. In between long or short term relationships there seems to be a moment of transition from dependence to independent. Just like the Hulk sometimes in the process of transition, innocent people get hurt.

The Hulk has no self control once he gets to the point of transition. It's a point of no return for him, he can no longer be Bruce Banner, he has to see himself through The Hulking Out process. Sometimes I think people feel the same way after they have permanently put the kibosh on a relationship, they are knowingly changing, though it's painful and it sometimes they aren't ready for it, but like The Hulk in the midst of the transitional phase, it is only temporary and at some point the giant will emerge and like The Hulk, when the transitional phase is over it will be nothing but sheer destruction.

Sometimes the transitional person says they don't mind being transitional person without knowing (consciously at least) what they are getting themselves in to. This presents itself in such scenarios as..."Yeah it's OK if we only make out." Or, "of course this is just for fun, I know this is nothing serious." But the truth is that if you find yourself as the person thinking "thank goodness, because all I want is a good make out and then a good nights sleep." That other person is more than likely saying to themselves, and excuse me for mixing metaphors... "hooked em', now all I have to do is reel them in!"

This now becomes a situation where two people are lying to each other about what the other person wants.

So because of this very brief conversation about the transitional person I have come to the simple conclusion that, transitional person doesn't deserves to have their feelings stomped upon and rampaged all over.

Like Bruce Banner, if you feel yourself turning from one phase of relationship break up to the next and you are looking for that special "transitional" someone, you may want to think twice about what you say or do...You could end up looking like the monster who destroyed someones heart.

temporary marriages

so in iran they have temporary marriages. enough of this eternity or death till we part i think temporary might be the way to go. the time limit can be from one hour to a century so its pretty flexible and you can perform the ceremony yourself in private to its inexpensive and convenient. its a great alternative to living in sin. your marriage could last as long as this cake (which in my case could be awhile since i dont really like sugar...)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

overlapping spheres

so this weekend i have a date with a guy "CN" from my hometown who my dad has been trying to set me up with since february. my dad works with CN's mom. they talk about it all the time (if they talk about it as much as my dad talks about with me) and are hopeful that we could probably love each other forever. so CN called and asked me out and he said he would buy me a fancy steak dinner. and i said sizzler? and he said of course. and then he said in park city. and i said there is a sizzler in park city? i should google it because i think he was KIDDING about sizzler. what a tease.

anyway i had sort of a dating dilemma. it was when i should first dash all my dad's hopes and/or make his sad. sooner or later. normally i wouldnt tell my dad i had a date/boyfriend at all but i knew it was a matter of time before this got back to him. he would probably find out at the grocery store. thats where he gets all the good gossip. about me. anyway i had to decide if i make him sad by not telling him and having him find out from a third party that i went out with CN or do i disappoint him by telling him later (after he has clearly found out and been praying for it for some time) that its not going to happen.

i choose sooner. it was rough. my dad got all smiley and was like i KNOW you are going out with CN because his mom told me last week. there is a chance my dad knew he was going to ask before i actually was asked. anyway, CN is going to be here any minute so i had better go...who knows if he takes me to sizzler it could be love after all.

Friday, June 01, 2007

ambush dating

i’m pretty sure everybody has fallen victim to the ambush date. you innocently agree to hang out with a guy and his friends in an honest attempt to be social and then you show up and BAM, there are no friends…just the guy. i’m not sure why guys do this – am i really that mean of a person that they think i won’t go out with them if they ask me? are they really that insecure? do they hope that if they don’t actually ask me out on a date that they won’t have to hold the door open for me? anyway, i thought i was getting myself into this trap this past week, but luckily, friends were actually involved – whew – saved.

here’s one good example, though. a guy found out we worked fairly close together and told me he was getting a group of people-who-work-close-together together for lunch one day, so i dumbly (and innocently, in an attempt to be social) give him my number. he calls and coordinates the entire thing – “yeah – we’re all meeting up at such and such at this time, blah blah blah.” and then, not more than half an hour before the lunch was scheduled, he calls me and leaves a message “all of the people who were coming have backed out so it may just be you and me.” now, i’d maybe buy this story if “all the people who were coming” included 2 or 3 people because it’s legit for a few people to have things come up. but when the list of lunch buddies was said to be over a dozen people, you start wondering.

anyway, i knew right then what was going on and 2 options crossed my mind. the first is to not show up, but that's hard to do when you like the restaurant and you've been planning on this for a week…so i chose option number two and called all my friends in the area to see if they could come…unfortunately, since it was so close to the time (i’m sure this was on purpose), none of them could make it, or they’d already eaten. i sucked it up, made myself look as homely as possible to help deter any attraction and arrived a few minutes late. he was already there...with a flower...he took my coat AND paid for my lunch. it was a total date and i never even agreed to it. and that, my friends, is an ambush date.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Guidelines (?)

So I was going over the the Strength for Youth guidelines set forth by my Church. This was one of the bullet points.

• Abstain from premarital sex, petting, necking, sex perversion, masturbation, and preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, and action.

Now I can get behind that, except I have a few questions.

What is petting? I mean I know what "heavy petting"is but, can someone explain what regular petting is? I'm not tryint to be irreverent or silly, but you know, I pet dogs and cats, is petting the same as patting, is it stroking the back, what is it?

What is necking? I mean do people even "neck" anymore? Is necking when you rub necks, or is it when you kiss necks? I am so lost.

Friday, May 25, 2007

i always wanted to be an actress

so, i hung out with this guy several months ago who happens to work at the same company as me. i won't go into the sordid details, but the evening did not go well. at all. all. luckily we don't work in the same area of the building so i've only run into him a couple of times since the incident. the first time i did--which was about a month after we had hung out, he mentioned that he was really disappointed that he hadn't heard from me. oh...wait...was he THERE that night? maybe a new personality had surfaced since i last saw him (no, seriously). anyway, i mentioned i was dating someone so he wouldn't get any ideas (plus, i kind of was). i have probably run into him a total of 3, maybe 4 times since then.

so yesterday i was walking down the hall and there he was. i was opening up a door to go into a different area of the building and he stopped me for some (really lame [as always]) small talk. he asked if i was going home soon and i told him i wouldn't be leaving until about 6:30pm. then this happened:

"6:30, huh? wow, that's kind of late. should we go into one of these closets here?" and then he SMACKED MY ASS!

it was a scene from one of those cheesy sexual harrasment videos that you watch and think "people don't DO that stuff in real life". boy were WE wrong!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mixed CD Etiquette

So few weeks ago I went to dinner with a few friends. I won't name them, but trust me, all three of them are attractive, above reproach and always have my back. Needless to say, I trust these people, with EVERYTHING.

So it was shocking when I went on a rant about how mixed CDs is more a thing you do in high school than when you are...Um, older, they completely disagreed with me. Since then I issued a mixed CD competition to see how thematically people construct a good mixed CD.

In doing this one of the loves of my life, who also happens to be my roommate and I had a discussion on what makes a good mixed CD, how does it say "I like you enough to give you this CD of compiled artists so when we break up you will always have something to remember the reasons why."

So this is a little list of things not to do that we came up with on our way to church (it might have been basketball) one day.

1- Try to avoid the obvious, for instance, stay away from Coldplay, or in Natali's case James Blunt.
2- Finding songs with that special someones name in it is good if you can find good songs. For instance, I have found that the Name Caroline is in a ton of songs by both big name and obscure artists (My favorite being Sweet Caroline). However, the name Aubrey doesn't seem to be popular among song writers.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond is a great song, however if you are dating a girl named Roseanna, it's probably better that you don't use the song by Toto, because, you know, it's lame.

3- Try to avoid using to obscure of song. I know that we're all proud of knowing artists and groups that perhaps our significant others don't know, but just because I enjoy The Rachel's doesn't mean their music is listenable to other people. Your mixed CD which is supposed to be an expression of intense like at the very least will not an opportunity to show that person that you would rather force yourself to listen to poorly composed contemporary elevator music rather than watch the news.

4- No matter what anyone says, Sexual Healing is not good on a mix. No offense to my man Marvin Gaye, but it's just not ever a good idea.

5- If you want to break up with someone don't make a break up CD, it sends mixed signals.

If anyone needs to add to or make amendments to the list feel free.

Monday, May 21, 2007

addendum to baseball theory

so i realized that my theory in my last post and my following arguments were unclear but at the time was too lazy to do anything about it. i will now clarify. the reason why women should have three guys on base is to somehow make them feel that there are at least three guys out there who would want to date them for who they are. it gives them the confidence that they are worth dating as a person even with all the strange and unrealistic views women in the church have forced upon them. men on the other hand should actually try to get to know the person they are dating instead of looking to see if another women fits into their what a mormon girl should look like criteria better. its an attempt to somehow normalize dating in a small, religious community. the idea is that people will start dating people and not ideas. that is the connection. i hope that helps.