it's a free country; you can post whatever you want

at least that's what i heard. so i'm going to do it: i'm going to post whatever i want.
starting with this conversation i overheard:

(ps, i made up all the names to hide identities)
(pss, i think this is actually a poem; you can tell because of the elizabeth barrett browning reference)

browning: man, i think you're the one who wants to marry him
natasha: haha, i dont
b: i wasnt calling you man either
n: actually, there are probably enough things about him why any reasonable
person might not want to marry him
but
they have been dating on and off for like 4 years
at this point i say just go for it
because you obviously arent breaking up
b: or not get married
and just keep dating
since marriages dont matter,
right?
n: no,
marriages matter, but they are just dating and its a mess
b: marriages dont matter; they could move in together
i mean, i guess if they want to be married in the temple, then marriage makes sense
n: i think a fair statement is marriages dont matter to you
but
for 95% of the population they still kind of matter
b: that's way too high of a percentage
n: im not sure
seems like everyone is doing it
or does it at least once
but
even if people dont do it
doesnt mean it doesnt matter to them
b: even if people do get married, it doesnt mean that marriage matters to them
n: that's such a stupid thing to say, idiot
because for some reason they got married
so maybe it mattered to whoever they married so therefore it mattered to them
b: maybe they felt pressured into it
or they were trying to scam them
or they just did it for the money
or they got pregnant
so maybe it matters
but not in the same way you're trying to state that it matters
and it really hurts my feelings when you call me an idiot
n: what about if i called you retarded instead? because you seriously are most of the time
i didnt state the reasons behind it mattering
i just said it did
and you said it didnt
most poeple get married
thats all i was saying
b: not most people
you gotta remember that there's an entire world outside of the us
n: whatever
you dont want to get married, i get it
but i dont think you can make this argument that it doesnt matter
and that everyone hates their marriages
b: well,
i'm not
i'm saying that it doesn't matter in a way
like
there are other valid ways to establish a committed relationship
marriage is one of the ways
but it comes with it's own set of assumptions that can cause problems
n: so perhaps you could just say you dont want to get married
and you dont think you need to
because it causes problems
b: but my entire point is is that mary and my cousin look a like dont need to get married either
but they can if they want to
n: whatever
you are impossible sometimes
b: whatever

associations. a song. a restaurant. a piece of art. a smell. a place. even a simple word. they can all remind us of a person. associations can come with any person--boyfriends, girlfriends, family, friends, or even a time-period in general. but since this is the dating blog, i'll focus on things we associate with people we've dated.

associations are tricky. they can be one of the best things about relationships and one of the worst depending on the situation.

you are dating someone. you really care about them a lot. you do fun things together. you like each other. you go places together. maybe you need each other. you laugh a lot together. you are great friends. you have mind-blowing makeouts. you invest significant time in each other. obviously you'll have things you associate with each other, or with the times you spent together.

so things end. and it's pretty sad. but it's amicable. the wound is still tender, but you remember them and the experience with fondness.

you hear a song that reminds you of them. you get a knot in your stomach, and goosebumps on your arms. *sigh* (good sigh). you think of that person. and you smile.

you eat at a restaurant that was your favorite for the first time with someone other than them. you get a knot in your stomach, and goosebumps on your arms. *sigh*. you think of that person, and you smile.

you smell their cologne or perfume on a random passerby and are immediately transported back to a moment of cuddling in bed watching a movie, or an especially memorable makeout. or maybe just hugging them in general. you get a knot in your stomach, and goosebumps on your arms. *sigh*. you think of that person. you smile (and let's be honest, you tear up).

but then let's say a few months later you find out something about them that completely changes the way you view them or your entire relationship in general. suddenly those exact same associations are like poison (or a sledgehammer in your face.)

you hear a song that reminds you of the other. you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. you get shivers down your spine. *sigh* (the "i'm about to break down sigh). you think of that person. and skip to the next song.

you eat at a restaurant that was your favorite for the first time with someone other than them. you feel like you've been...oh COME ON! we all know you're not going to that restaurant for a while.

you smell their cologne or perfume on a random passerby and are immediately transported back to a moment of cuddling in bed watching a movie, or an especially memorable makeout. or maybe just hugging them in general. you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. you get shivers down your spine. *sigh*. you think of that person. you throw up in your mouth (or maybe you burst into tears in the middle of the isle at walmart).

the good news is that we have the ability to brain wash ourselves! after the mourning period, when you are finally ready to let them go and move on to something or someone else, you can condition yourself to associate things differently. sure, it might be a little rough starting out, but if you listen to those songs enough, you'll start to associate them with the present, not the past. if you go to that restaurant enough, you'll have new memories there.

hell no! you are not taking away my favorite songs!

hell no! you aren't keeping me from one of my favorite restaurants!

i'm not wonder woman people. i can't help you with the perfume/cologne thing.

im taking this moment to tell you im not traditional

i recently remembered i hadnt really broken up with someone i dated last year which sparked this IM conversation:

me: did we ever break up?
boy: oh wait i dont know if we did...
me: its over. and i cheated on you.
boy: i forgive you.

and that is the best break up i have ever had.