it's all maxwell's fault with his bitter poetry

the pick-up lines employed today at bars, gyms, college campuses and grocery stores are usually generic, obvious, unfunny and sexist. i blame popular movies, tv and strip-malls since all have a financial interest in an homogenized american culture of love and romance.

but when you'er at a social event and want to talk to someone new like that girl wearing that black, summer dress (because you think it's funny to have a summer dress be black) or that cute, dark-haired boy with jeans rolled up into capris and you're shy, sometimes you need a line to break the ice. too bad all the pick-up lines you've ever heard in your life are stupid and couldn't possibly give that boy or girl a hint of your dynamic personality. so, we need to reinvent the pick-up line.

here's some ideas i've been work-shopping with a couple friends (i, or my friends, have yet to use any of these lines in real life, so i'm looking for both new ideas as well as constructive criticism on the pick-up lines we've already developed):

you start, "hi, what's your name?" and they answer and ask you for your name and you say, "joe campbell, i mean camel." then they ask something like "you're name is joe camel like the cigarette cartoon?" and you say, "no, i just needed an opening. boy it sure is hot outside, but it's nice here with you."

you ask, "what would you say is your favorite . . . (long pause) . . . favorite color in the rainbow? i think mine's blue."

you make eye-contact and then hold your hand up to your ear with your pinky and thumb extended and mouth "call me" even though they have no idea what your number is.

if you're with a friend, you whisper to your friend "recite them lyrics, dude." then your friend extends one arm and says "oh babes for who we've traveled through time," and then you extend an arm and say "will you come back to san diemas with us? we'll have a really good time." (actually you quote bill and ted's directly but i can't think of their exact pick-up line.)

if you're at the gallivan center for their thursday night concert series you ask, "man, is this just a boombox playing? cause it sounds great."

what not to do

let's pretend you're a guy who likes a girl and you think to yourself "hmm..what charming things can i do to win over the heart of this young lass?" here is a list of things that might not work that great:

1. tell all your mutual friends that you like her and that she likes you...before even going on a date or talking for more than 3 minutes (especially if 2.8 of those minutes consist of talking about why mit romney should be the next president)

2. ask her to take you to the airport during rush hour traffic an hour before you need to be there, talk about mit romney on the entire drive, and then leave your phone AND wallet in her car. then have your mom - yes, your mom - call her phone once she's almost home. this was the conversation "hi, this is nate's mother. he told me he left his phone in your car. would you mind meeting him back where you dropped him off to give him his phone?" um...is that wierd? it's a total ambush meet the parents.

3. ask her out on a date and then when she can't go, ask her sister out on the same date...

4. realize and acknowledge that she's actually dating someone else - and then ask her out on a date the next day

5. call the boy she's dating and ask him if he wants to go out on a double date - you, the boy she's dating, her and her sister

6. call again the next weekend to ask her on a date

7. when she explains that she can't because she's going on a date with the guy she's actually dating, invite yourself along

no one has ever invited me to the grand canyon

i really liked this picture of my friend shane. i didnt ask his permission to use it in this post but i know he hates (the idea) of blogs so there is a very low risk of him ever finding out. my mother just notified me that my little brother has been talking to a girl for twenty minutes and asked if i had ever talked to a boy for that long. i replied yes at least a hundred times. she was pretty impressed.

sometimes i think about kierkegaard and his ideas about human love being selfish. it kind of is. i mean if you fall in love it seems by definition you stop thinking/caring/and/or/noticing that other people exist and have feelings (or eyes for those who touch excessively). i wonder if it is possible to somehow pull yourself out of your relationship long enough to notice others. i really only notice how self absorbed a relationship makes me when i am not dating and i am just a spectator to other relationships. so maybe falling in love is nice but not so nice for those around you. if you are the type that talks about your relationship excessively and/or stops hanging out with your friends and/or you dont wait until others have safely left the room to get to second base and/or you talk about how much you like your signifcant other's hair/eyes/ass to every person you come into contact with then perhaps you should sit back and think wait...i should change that.

kierkegaard thinks you can do it and so do i.

for the record i really like it when people hold hands. i think its the nicest form of affection there is. way better than kissing and/or pet names.

why do you hate me i thought we were friends

being single is so busy. people try to make you think that when you're single everything is carefree and you can just sit back, relax, and not worry about anything but yourself and once you get hitched and start having kids, that's when life gets hectic....WRONG. being single is one million times more busy than being married. and here's why: you are expected to be social. go on dates, go to parties, leave your house, etc. married people like to be social now and then...get together with other couples for game night or a movie, go to dinner with the singles, etc. but they aren't under any social obligation to be so. single people are. if you aren't social it's "no wonder you're still single", or if you don't have plans on at least one weekend night you have problems. not only that, but you are expected to keep in touch with everyone you've ever known. your friends who dropped off the face of the earth and stopped talking to you when they got boyfriends/girlfriends suddenly want to talk all the time and meet for lunch on a regular basis once they are married.

the difference in the busyness factor is especially pronounced in comparison with people who married young. my little sister got married at age 20. how many roommates did she have that she is expected to keep in touch with? zero. how many exes does she have that she is "still friends" with? none. the longer you're single, the more people you accumulate that you have to keep up with. not that i don't want to keep in touch with old friends and former roommates, but i have basically been living on my own since i was 19, so that means that i've had (if i'm doing the math right) A HUNDRED MILLION roommates. i used to think i could set aside a certain day (say sundays) to call people that i've been neglecting. but then i realized i'd be on back to back calls for at least ten straight hours. when would i have time to nap? or watch movies? or read a book? this is why i've been unintentionally boycotting this epidemic. and when i'm not listening to voicemails of "where have you been?" or reading emails that say "i thought we were friends, why do you hate me?" i am mostly at peace with it.