Monday, February 18, 2008

i better learn to like purple

in case you’re on the market for a new main squeeze (i wish people would just get over themselves and still use the phrase “main squeeze”). this’ll tell you which celebrity is your perfect match. it also gives you an address, phone number and email so you can reach said match (i’m lying)

love machine

i always wondered if i might have a subconscious crush on prince. i guess this confirms it.

yes, he's short, he's freaky, and for years his name was a crazy unpronounceable symbol. still, your celebrity love match is one "sexy m.f." however, there's more to this talented pop royalty than meets the eye. he's a workaholic, a nightclub owner, a multi-instrumentalist (if you know what we mean). and he's not afraid to speak his mind (not just anyone would go around with "slave" written across his cheek). maybe he has "daddy" issues, but here's a guy not afraid to show his sensitive side. it's not just the doves that cry. ultimately, we hope you like purple because there's going to be a lot of it in your life.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

dating through the holidays

once a boy gave me a bed after our first date. i needed a bed so i took it. but then he started texting me everyday to find out what i was doing and who i was with. so naturally i kept the bed and stopped talking to him.

anyway sometimes i feel bad for boys when they ask me out. i think there was a time period of 8 months were i was pretty good at dating. but that was short lived. everything before that was an annoyance everything after awkward.

the first time a boy asked me out i didnt understand and i asked if my best friend could come. i think the last time a boy asked me out i said no. i have been doing this for 13 years and i think i am more confused about the process than i was at 16. but once a boy gave me a bed so i guess i cant complain.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

if you have been in striper world too long...

i wouldnt mind starting a dating service. i like to set people up. like just the other day i emailed my friend on facebook and said you should meet my other friend on facebook and you know LOVE EACH OTHER. but sadly no one has ever paid me to do it. so far this has only been voluntary and unsolicited and mildly annoying. anyway sometimes i accidentally watch the millionaire matchmaker. like right now.

patty is really good at setting people up. she is in love with love. but she only works with millionaires because she understands their love best. so i guess that niche has already been taken.

these are just some things i learned and/or were said in just one episode:
1)red heads just arent the freshest produce on the aisle.
2) you shouldnt sign people up if they are drunk
3) he is an ass guy an ass guy! (i believe patty said this after some guy said he wasnt in to double d boobs. way to decode guy speak patty).
4) activities i enjoy...steamy hot showers (the next time someone asks me what i like to do you can bet your bottom dollar steamy hot showers will come out of my mouth between hiking and crossword puzzles).
5) she had two girls who went to harvard and two who did strip aerobics. totally diversified population.
6) she is not the most comfortable around a pole.

i sort of blame the writers strike for the last 28 minutes of my life.

Friday, February 01, 2008

well why don't you just sit there holding hands and try figuring it out

here's what i like about twin peaks: it's a soap opera. actually there are numerous reasons i think twin peaks is easily the best television show ever, but the soap opera aspect seems applicable to the dating blog.

as a soap opera, twin peaks has more than it's fair share of tangled relationships. audrey is in love with agent cooper while cooper is still (emotionally) mourning the death of his past love whose death he was responsible for while james and donna's relationship begins to blossom after laura's death until laura's cousin maddie (who looks exactly like laura with dark hair) comes to town and james starts to fall for her until she's murdered so donna starts hanging out with harold until he commits suicide while bobby, who was also with laura before she was murdered, starts living with shelley when her abusive husband leo ends up in a coma. there's also the question of who's the father of lucy's unborn child, hank or dick? then you have big ed and norma's relationship which remains secret since both are trapped in loveless marriages with big ed's wife nadine having a strange kind of amnesia where she thinks she's 18 and in high school while norma is stuck with hank since he's a controlling, vindictive ex-con. and nadine, since she thinks she's 18 and goes to high school, starts dating mike who was with donna before laura was murdered. and that's only a fraction of the characters. in fact, even this chart doesn't document half the relationships in the show.

what you have is a giant web of loves, betrayals, seductions, friendships and misunderstandings that link every member of the community with every other member.

twin peaks isn't simply and exaggeration of real life, like the soap opera genre generally, but an exaggeration of the soap opera genre. but with this double exaggeration, there's something that still resonates. think of your friends, acquaintances and exes; then think about how they all know each other, dated each other, known friends of friends who dated, hold grudges against and so on. it's just like twin peaks, except not as many murders and your friends aren't near as funny. that's not a dis on your (my) friends; it's just impossible to be as funny as twin peaks. so quit wasting your netflix on boring tv and watch something that really has relations to your own life. or not. twin peaks may not be for everybody.