booty texts

i dont think i have been booty called since texting became popular. i sort of miss the drunken calls at 3 in the morning and the less drunken ones at midnight. now i just get booty texts. like last night. when you are getting booty texted i cannot emphasize enough the importance of caller id. i got a new phone so when i got a text that said "hey are you still hanging out with that boy why havent i seen you" and it looks like katey's number i say "yeah i am and we need to play" and then i get a response that says "i am just waiting for my chance to ask you out" and i think...if katey was gay am i her type...i doubt it. and then you have to make the decision to call and try and do a voice ID or just admit you dont know who in the hell they are. call me old fashioned but i kind of miss when boys made the effort and called you if they wanted a non committal makeout. sigh.

get a dating manager

Today at church a most wonderful thing happened. My dating manager got me a new gig. I was in the hallway at church when I heard the following: "Why don't you go scheme on Colleen?" (Scheme? Skeem? Is this a verb? Is this a disease?) My dating manager was in the process of cornering a fresh client. He booked the date, time, and even gave some suggestions as to what we would do on a date. How handy! So we are set for Wednesday night. I would like to now mention that my dating manager wears many hats. He is also a counselor in the bishoric at church. In addition, the dating gig was an unsolicited scheduling. So I didn't even have to ask him to do it, or choose who he asked. Wow my life has now been made easier. If I am lucky, this may continue to the road of an arranged marriage.

the non-boyfriend

i think its fair to say that i have had more non boyfriends than boyfriends. whats a non boyfriend you say? oh thats easy. its a boy that meets all your emotional needs and occasionally a couple physical ones but you have little to no interest in dating them but that doesnt stop you from spending every waking second together or having bitter/painful/shoot me i no longer want to live breakups.

yeah thats a non boyfriend. let me just say TO BE AVOIDED. do what you can to NOT have a non boyfriend. solutions include dating someone legitimately and or shunning intimate male friendships. as far as i can tell these are the only ways around the non boyfriend.

i had a very serious non boyfriend my first semester of law school. we were quite taken with each other but i was pretty serious about keeping it in the realm of you adore me and are always there for me and occasionally cuddle with me and by all means get as emotionally attached as you possibly can but keep in mind i will never date you. (yeah i am a jerk). anyway. non boyfriend didnt so much like this plan. in fact. non boyfriend got a REAL girlfriend. (what was all that talk about being in a non relationship forever shit) anyway. here is the story. the best part is that its totally true.

law school non boyfriend and i spent literally all day together. we had all our classes together we sat by each other and wrote each other notes. after class we would study. we would go to lunch and dinner together most days. we went to movies and footballs games. i met his parents. i knew all of his friends. we went to church together. CHURCH. when people thought of me they thought of non boyfriend. i can not emphasis enough how together we were. everyone thought we were dating and we probably were. but of course i denied any of it.

so non boyfriend asked me to set him up with a girl i knew and i said sure. i wasnt scared. i was secure in our non relationship. surely what could compare to this? anyway, they went out. he had fun. they went out again. and again. it was starting to eat into our time together. then then were kissing. shit i hadnt planned for that. i stepped up the cuddling to remind him what he risked losing with real girlfriend. then he went out to see her family for christmas. it was all over for me then. she wasnt the most secure girl and i knew she felt threatened by mine and non boyfriends relationship. anyway i think she said choose her or me (this is foreshadowing) because all of a sudden non boyfriend stopped talking to me. he didnt save me a seat in contracts. he didnt respond to my frantic IMs. i cant even say he phased me out because there was no phasing. just nothing. (i wrote him the nicest email i have ever written to another human being saying how i thought the world of him and hoped i hadnt offended him and he was one of my favorite people ever. no response).

needless to say i was destroyed. i missed non boyfriend. i thought maybe i loved him (i didnt) but i think i would have tried in order to get him back. but sadly that was the end of us and by third year he didnt even say hi to me in the halls.

anyway he married real girlfriend. the end. right? wrong. girlfriend (now wife)'s little sister is one of my best friends ever in all the world. and when sister got married she asked me to be in her wedding party. i said of course! i will fly across the country and wear a bridesmaid dress because it was our thirteen year old pledge to each other. i will do this despite the fact i have no money because i havent worked in like two years. however girlfriend/wife never got over my brief non relationship with her husband of over a year and said if i was in the bridal party she wouldnt be. needless to say i got kicked out of the wedding. a week before the wedding. oh and my cousin (sisters best friend) got kicked out of the wedding party as well so my feelings wouldnt be hurt (too late for my feelings). anyway real girl friend/wife didnt talk to me at the wedding, well she sort of yelled at me outside the temple because she thought i misplaced the bridesmaid flowers. (did she think i hid them out of spite? anyway she probably should have checked with the florist or a family member or someone who hadnt flown into town that morning). did i mention i NEVER even kissed her husband. and that is the danger my friends of the non boyfriend.

epilogue. girlfriend/wife emailed me to thank me for coming to the wedding she got me kicked out of. then two years later she emailed me to try and set me up with her friend and wanted to double. that is one of the most awkward thoughts i have ever had. i declined. politely.

to touch or not to touch

so, recently i was debating whether or not to hang out (and by hang out i mean play guitar hero) with this guy i work with. the reason for the debate was his age. he's way younger than me. if you know me, you know that i never date anyone older than me. its not a conscious decision, it just happens that way. but this kid (and the term "kid" is used literally here), is WAY younger. anywho, so i was debating just how big of a ped i wanted to be, and finally i was like eff it, i'll play guitar hero with the kid. what's the harm?

well, the guy who won't love me, but doesn't want me to touch anyone else was giving me crap for it (naturally). he said "i knew you'd go for it" and i said "its not like i would ever touch him". and his response? "then why would you hang out with him if you wouldn't touch him?" um....is it just me, or was that a strange question? am i the only person who hangs out with people for reasons other than touching? this was also particularly humorous coming from a guy who wants to hang out with me all the time but won't touch me. am i missing something here? so i guess the point of my story is this: is there any point in your life when you should limit your dealings with the opposite sex to dating? i mean, i have a lot of guy friends, but in the large scheme of things, is it completely pointless? some people would say so, because most likely when you move on (and by that i mean get married), you won't keep in close contact with your friends of the opposite sex (unless you're my british boyfriend who still emails me).

but you know what? eff those people. i say, if you're single, have guy friends that you don't want to touch! (or maybe if you feel like it, touch them even if you don't want to date them!). As long as you're still doing your duty to date and find someone permanent, why not have other relationships on the side that bring happiness to the boring and mundane days in your life.

mississippi drama

i admit it - my sister "has a missionary." since i am an embarrassing 2-degrees-of-separation from "having a missionary," i do my best to keep up with the stories of drama and hardship that come with being away from the love of your life and the only form of communication coming from an occasional measly letter.

which is why i think it's so funny that my sister and her elder (we'll call him stew for the sake of the story) have connivingly come up with alternative forms of communication. for example, a young investigator (let's call him art) of the church of lds spends a lot of time with stew...a LOT of time. i can't be sure exactly, but i'm pretty sure stew woke up one morning and realized that art has text messaging on his cell phone. so, naturally, stew talks art into text messaging my sister. so now, even though my sis and stew don't talk directly, they at least talk through a middle man. so art now sends my sis regular text messages, usually asking about the strength of stew's and her relationship. my sis entertains art to a point, but usually just ignores these bizarre questions from her unknown middle man.

well, art texts my sis last night and makes mention that the reason he's interested in joining the church is because he's "exploring" (not religion so much as his preferences..) and thinks stew is a hottie and wonders if maybe my sis would be willing to share...i'm pretty sure my sis hasn't eaten anything since that conversation on account of queasy stomach. anyway, art was planning on letting stew know his true feelings today - this could prove to be quite an interesting day in mississippi.

date with the jr jr

when i started this blog i also kind of wanted people to tell about dates they went on. because those make the best stories usually. well ghost stories make the BEST stories but dating stories are second on my list.

last night i went out with the jr jr. (i call him that bc i liked a boy who was three years younger than me and called him jr. but with a boy who is seven years younger than me he is a jr jr.)

highlights of the night include:

1) i felt like i was mentoring him. i gave him lots of advice on school, work, and career options. which was fun. maybe i should be a guidance counselor.
2) he asked me what year i was born. then he asked me if i wanted to have children because some "older" people he knew didnt want to. (sure i dont think my reproduction goals are any of his business but it was so sweet how he asked i let it slide)
3)he asked me about how many relationships i have had. then he told me i must burn through guys. i said not really i have just been dating for 12 years and your only dating experiences were in high school. i am bound to have a couple more.
4) he asked me why i went out with him and i said "because you asked" i said why did you ask and he said "because you seemed chill"
5) for some reason he became convinced that i drank. i am really not sure how that happened. (fine it may have been when i told him about how i think its ok to eat things cooked in alcohol and that i used alcohol in my food and my favorite flavors are rum and brandy) then he is like i know you party. i said. well at this stage in my life i am not sure its called partying. i think that is a term you use when you are underaged and you are hoping your parents and or the cops dont catch you. no at this point i would just be drinking. bless his heart.
6) he kept asking questions like what do you do or what do you like. i dont respond well to questions like this. A. does it matter and B. i have a hard time describing myself or interests or likes/dislikes. i did tell him i didnt like feeling like i was on audition. hint hint.
7) younger guys are really into activities. it comes from organizing dance dates such as paintballing for the prom. he told me we almost went ice skating (heaven forbid) but then we just went ot the grizzles games. that was ok. seriously though i am happy with dinner and a movie.
8) he asked me if i was a dominate personality. i said no i just have opinions. he asked if i thought i was right. and i said sometimes. does that make me dominant? i spent like an entire quarter of that hockey game trying to decide if i was. seriously am i?
9) i went through the temple before him. i think we both thought that was kind of weird.
10) he asked me if i wanted to stay home with children. i said not really. i asked him if he did. he said not really.
11) he also asked if i was a good cook and what i cook. i dont know how that affects him...

the night did get a lot better when he stopped interrogating me and we just talked like normal people. he described about how he wanted to get married soon. i hope he does. i also think he is closer to getting married then i am. i cant decide if that is sad or not. and if its sad is it sad for him or me?

anyway i think he had a good time. its because i am so chill.

i learned how to tell time in the tenth grade...

over the years i have gone back and forth a lot on the whole concept of "timing" and how it relates to me and my life. at first i thought that timing was everything (i thought this after i fell for my best friend and then freaked out because of law school and then i liked him again but he had moved on and everyone chalked it up to bad timing) but then i thought that timing was nothing(because sometimes you whole life is shit (usually) but you just still want to be with someone). anyway. i have come back to a new theory. which is...time hates some people (me).

i dont know what i have done to piss time(ing) off but i would really like to make up. seriously time i am sorry. but time has been playing favorites awhile now. i must admit i get a little resentful when married-dating-happy people say things like it just wasnt the right time. your time hasnt come. you will know when its the right time. etc etc. they only say such things because time loves them. but time hates me. and i think that is a good a theory on timing as i have come up with yet.

timing is everything...unless it's bad timing and then i hate it

so it recently became painfully obvious to me that seattle and i don't really love each other. that being the case, we've chosen to say our goodbyes and part ways. i put a lot of thought into this and felt really good about our decision to split up. so, everything seemed good to go and i started taking the necessary steps...quit the job, sold my umbrella, subleased my apartment... everything was going perfectly!

and then here's the kicker - the exact same day i agree to be booted out of my apartment by feb. 1, i meet this boy. now, meeting a boy here is a big deal because most seattle guys don't even talk to girls due to:
a) depression thanks to the rain
b) social inefficiencies thanks to microsoft
c) disinterest thanks to gay rights

so anyway, i meet a boy who i have a surprisingly good time with and can even sit across a table from and look at and not want to throw up, which turns out to be a good thing. after the second date of not throwing up (and probably some kissing...i don't recall exact details), i start thinking my situation and timing really stinks. here's why:
a) why couldn't we go out on friday night? oh no - it had to be saturday night, after signing my seattle residence away
b) we would have actually gone out earlier this month were it not for his recent tonsil removal. had he maintained healthy tonsils, i would probably not have sold my apartment yet. damn tonsils.
c) i now have roughly three weeks to have a whirlwind relationship with this boy...i'm not even one to bring up the dtr ever - let alone after three weeks. i feel i can date with the best of them - wait 3 days to call, thank a boy after buying me dinner, act sappy when absolutely necessary...but, the dtr is definitely out of my league. so that might be interesting.

i'm hoping that it will all of a sudden occur to me that the reason i've tricked myself into liking this kid is that he's a welcome relief from dates where all i hear about is the latest and greatest computer technologies and gaming codes. so probably, right when i get to colorado, i'll wake up and realize that not all boys are born with computer chips built it and i actually can have a decent conversation with a lot of them..that's what i'm hoping at least.

so the point of this post is to ask - what the hell should i do?? cut my losses? hang out with him for three weeks?? find a way to not move to colorado for another month?? any and all comments will be considered. unfortunately, since i'll soon be jobless and without money and time to go shopping on account of "i'm dating a boy," i cannot offer the winner a prize. sorry.

so i am a ped...

a 21 year old asked me out. i think the last time that happened was 10 years ago...

keeping in touch

i think maybe the worst thing about the linkup are the way boring emails that you receive just from being online. i dont mind being hit on mind you. and i dont mind random emails. but i do mind being bored. i probably shouldnt take it so personally. but honestly, if you are emailing someone to tell them they seem interesting you should probably try to be interesting in return. here are a couple of things i find uninteresting:

1) the number of people on my friends list
2) my occupation (unlisted) or listed for that matter
3) the fact i went to byu (who didnt, i mean i dont think i am a minority in mormondom)
4) my tagline
5) etc

i think the best emails are ones that have NOTHING to do with your profile (which is mostly made up) and you should never actually say anything real about yourselves unless you have been emailing for 2 months minimum. that is the ideal linkup relationship. actually, the ideal one was my fake linkup boyfriend. that was probably one of my best relationships. i am thinking about getting back together with him...

c is for communicate

I think a main question these days is something to the effect of “what’s wrong with our generation?” As far as I can tell, this question refers to a lot of things – the rise of same-sex relationships, drug-use, the reemergence of legwarmers – but I’m pretty sure every avenue this question could refer to always leads to the unsaid question of “why can’t people in this generation grow up already and actually take responsibility and date and get married and have kids that they can raise to be even more screwed up than they are?”

I’m convinced that the problem doesn’t so much lie in our disinterest in getting married and raising screwed up kids as it does in our inability to actually date and get married. So, as much as we analyze this question and solutions to this terrible problem, I’m pretty sure the answer is actually insanely simple. Pay attention to this: COMMUNICATE.

A concept that’s drilled into our heads the day we’re born. The only way babies ever get what they want is by learning to communicate - it’s a simple thing. If you’re hungry, sleepy or uncomfortable, you scream your head off. Some kids of course are exceptions. My sister didn’t talk until she was at least 3. It’s not that she couldn’t talk – she just chose not to. For her, it was easier to use body language than screaming. If she was hungry, she would dramatically throw herself up against the fridge. The one negative part about that approach is all the bruises you get. But either way, the point is this: we all know how to communicate effectively and efficiently. It doesn’t take a lot to express how you feel and what you need.

So, where along the way do we lose this ability to communicate? Think of how easy it would be to go up to somebody you think is attractive and just start screaming your head off – they’ll quickly realize what you want, comply, and everybody will be happy again. It’s that simple. Instead, we play the hard-to-get game of acting uninterested just long enough for the other person to lose interest completely and then acting like it was the other person’s fault that the relationship didn’t work.

Another dominant tactic contributing to non-successful mating is saying things that don’t relate at all to the point you’re trying to get across. Let me share some examples:

This is from an email written by a boy I was dating. I mentioned I was a little irritated that he never asked what I wanted or how I felt.

*Note: This email was not a break-up email. He was honestly trying to mend things…*

“My reason for not taking the time to ask you how you felt is that I just expected you to be tactless and retarded.”

My heart almost melted when I read this. All of a sudden it was so clear to me why he wanted to make things work between us and why he was attracted to me…Why oh why didn’t I keep that boy around?

Here’s one more example of not communicating clearly. It’s one thing to fumble on your words, but it’s a completely different ballgame to contradict yourself completely in the same sentence. This isn’t a foreign sentence, though – I’m sure every girl’s heard it:

“We can't kiss at all or really get physical although I am very attracted to you.”

I didn’t even respond to this one – I had no idea which point to focus on. Was I to be flattered or offended?

So the moral of the story is – screaming your head off is more effective than talking. You always get your way and your message is always clear. Can we all please try this approach just for fun? I think the results will amaze you and anybody belonging to a generation older than you… maybe not younger generations because, let’s be honest – due to our inability to mate, those are becoming extinct.