Saturday, January 27, 2007

the non-boyfriend

i think its fair to say that i have had more non boyfriends than boyfriends. whats a non boyfriend you say? oh thats easy. its a boy that meets all your emotional needs and occasionally a couple physical ones but you have little to no interest in dating them but that doesnt stop you from spending every waking second together or having bitter/painful/shoot me i no longer want to live breakups.

yeah thats a non boyfriend. let me just say TO BE AVOIDED. do what you can to NOT have a non boyfriend. solutions include dating someone legitimately and or shunning intimate male friendships. as far as i can tell these are the only ways around the non boyfriend.

i had a very serious non boyfriend my first semester of law school. we were quite taken with each other but i was pretty serious about keeping it in the realm of you adore me and are always there for me and occasionally cuddle with me and by all means get as emotionally attached as you possibly can but keep in mind i will never date you. (yeah i am a jerk). anyway. non boyfriend didnt so much like this plan. in fact. non boyfriend got a REAL girlfriend. (what was all that talk about being in a non relationship forever shit) anyway. here is the story. the best part is that its totally true.

law school non boyfriend and i spent literally all day together. we had all our classes together we sat by each other and wrote each other notes. after class we would study. we would go to lunch and dinner together most days. we went to movies and footballs games. i met his parents. i knew all of his friends. we went to church together. CHURCH. when people thought of me they thought of non boyfriend. i can not emphasis enough how together we were. everyone thought we were dating and we probably were. but of course i denied any of it.

so non boyfriend asked me to set him up with a girl i knew and i said sure. i wasnt scared. i was secure in our non relationship. surely what could compare to this? anyway, they went out. he had fun. they went out again. and again. it was starting to eat into our time together. then then were kissing. shit i hadnt planned for that. i stepped up the cuddling to remind him what he risked losing with real girlfriend. then he went out to see her family for christmas. it was all over for me then. she wasnt the most secure girl and i knew she felt threatened by mine and non boyfriends relationship. anyway i think she said choose her or me (this is foreshadowing) because all of a sudden non boyfriend stopped talking to me. he didnt save me a seat in contracts. he didnt respond to my frantic IMs. i cant even say he phased me out because there was no phasing. just nothing. (i wrote him the nicest email i have ever written to another human being saying how i thought the world of him and hoped i hadnt offended him and he was one of my favorite people ever. no response).

needless to say i was destroyed. i missed non boyfriend. i thought maybe i loved him (i didnt) but i think i would have tried in order to get him back. but sadly that was the end of us and by third year he didnt even say hi to me in the halls.

anyway he married real girlfriend. the end. right? wrong. girlfriend (now wife)'s little sister is one of my best friends ever in all the world. and when sister got married she asked me to be in her wedding party. i said of course! i will fly across the country and wear a bridesmaid dress because it was our thirteen year old pledge to each other. i will do this despite the fact i have no money because i havent worked in like two years. however girlfriend/wife never got over my brief non relationship with her husband of over a year and said if i was in the bridal party she wouldnt be. needless to say i got kicked out of the wedding. a week before the wedding. oh and my cousin (sisters best friend) got kicked out of the wedding party as well so my feelings wouldnt be hurt (too late for my feelings). anyway real girl friend/wife didnt talk to me at the wedding, well she sort of yelled at me outside the temple because she thought i misplaced the bridesmaid flowers. (did she think i hid them out of spite? anyway she probably should have checked with the florist or a family member or someone who hadnt flown into town that morning). did i mention i NEVER even kissed her husband. and that is the danger my friends of the non boyfriend.

epilogue. girlfriend/wife emailed me to thank me for coming to the wedding she got me kicked out of. then two years later she emailed me to try and set me up with her friend and wanted to double. that is one of the most awkward thoughts i have ever had. i declined. politely.

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