my dad always said i should own a set of tools. i don't think he was talking about THIS kind

Tools. We've all known a few. We've all probably even shamefully hooked up with one for the sake of humor (the baboon? i blame natali). I recently had an experience with one from my place of employment. Pop some popcorn, get a diet coke and some redvines and sit back and enjoy the story--it will even include exerpts from our email conversation!

So last week I was walking in to work and this guy is walking in at the same time, so he strikes up a conversation. Totally flirty. And cute. Who is this guy? I thought I knew every semi-attractive male at the company, but apparently I missed one. He's totally chummy, and completely flirty and his name is Seth. So I do what any normal girl would do--find out his sitch. I know he works in Collections, and we have basically zero interaction with Collections, so I go upstairs and ask my friend Tex if she knows him. This was kind of a shot in the dark. I was hoping she had seen him around since they work on the same floor, but unfortunately she had no idea who I was talking about. This is exactly what I say to her (this will be important later on): "So I met this hot guy from Collections in the parking lot today. His name is Seth, do you know him?" She didn't, but she said she'd do some detective work and get back to me. Later the same day she emails me this:

Ok so here is the deal… Not married, don’t know if he has a girlfriend…. But he is Terry Holmes old roommate(he referred Terry here).. So when he gets back on Monday we can get some more answers!

Later the same day? Man, she's good! So Terry is this guy that had a crush on me when he first started at the company. He's married now, but I'm thinking "he'd put in a good word for me if I wanted him to". So this past Tuesday I come in to work and there is an email from Tex waiting for me. This is what it said:

Ok so here is the wrap sheet on Parking lot lover:
Not super LDS is struggling with it
Not down with commitment
Keeps Clean
Funny
Does have a streak of cocky (All in good fun)
Wicked athletic
Bull faced honest
Zipper sparker/Levi loving is acceptable….
Engage at own risk… No grantees!!! Core personality good guy!!
Convo starter: Ask about the sheet rubbing!

WTF? (it may seem like it now, but I promise this is not a horror story). I was laughing about this email all day, because you have to wonder...what the crap kind of questions did Tex ask Terry? Anywho, I had one follow-up question...how old is he? 26. phew. I tell Tex that I've been laughing about her email all day, and she says her and Terry composed it together and thought they were pretty funny. I'm sorry, did you say you and Terry composed it together? Apparently "detective work" to Tex means "tell the dudes best friend that Becky was asking about him". I'm over it. Don't get bored. The story is just about to get good.

So I tell non-boyfriend about Tex's email, because I think its funny. Actually, I forwarded Tex's email to non-boyfriend. His response? "Is his name Seth?" oh crap. son of a...he knows him? ahhhhh why? WHY? He procedes to tell me that this guy is a huge tool. Actually, I think his actual response will be more effective:

Haha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! That guy is such a tool! Remind me to tell you a hilarious story about him!!

He came over to my desk to tell me how he used to work with Seth at Discover Card and Seth was on Elimidate. I'm sorry, what? Not only was he on Elimidate, but he was the first eliminated. On the first date they went to a club. All of the guys were ordering cocktails. He wasn't. They asked him why he didn't drink, and what did he do? He flexed his biceps and said "THIS is why I don't drink". hahahahaha. What an IDIOT! I tell Tex about this and we have a good laugh. She says she'll be sure to give him crap about it. I email Tex:

me: I'm not gonna lie...the elimidate story is kind of a turnoff, right?

tex: Well it depends how you take it, you have to give it to him that he didn’t try to order a cocktail and try to be someone he is not, and the reason that he gave was funny. Not too serious. The guys might not have dug it but you know it made her laugh! I think its funny! But the fact that he didn’t make it past the first round is not too good, unless he was not going to be drinking and clubbing and doin it and she didn’t dig him for that!

In my latest tradition of trying to give people a chance, I decide not to write him off because he was on elimidate (keep in mind, this is really really hard for me). Later the same day, I get a panicky email from Tex: "Dude Im coming to talk to you!!!! Parking lot boy is out of control!" Hmmm....I meet her in the lunch room. She said Seth went over to talk to Terry and Terry told him about me. Then Seth had a freak-out. He was saying things like "if she wanted to talk to me, why didn't she just email me?" and "I just feel like we're in jr. high with a million people being involved like this". Tex was like "dude, she was just trying to be respectful and find out if you had a girlfriend before emailing you and looking like an ass, and last time I checked there were like three people involved". Then he started talking about dating people from work, and what if we made out, etc. Oh geez, someone is getting ahead of himself. So Tex is like "first of all, who said anything about dating? we're talking about hanging out here. And she's not a clingy girl. IF you did make out, she'd probably smack you on the arm and be like 'see ya tomorrow'". haha I love you Tex. Anyway, when he walked away Tex was like "dude, Terry, what was that all about? homeboy just freaked out". Terry was like "please don't tell Becky about that, I don't know what that was all about, but he really is a cool/good guy". Later Terry was like "did you respect my wishes and not tell Becky about that?" and she says "of course I told Becky" and he says "so is he out?" and she says "I don't know, we'll have to discuss it". I was like holy crap, this guy is full of himself. I'm over it.

At the end of my shift I go upstairs to talk to Tex about something unrelated. Two minutes after I sit down, Seth walks over. Apparently Terri emailed him and told him I was up there. This next conversation might be hard to believe, but I swear it happened. I have witnesses.

The first thing he does is gets in my face and says "enquiring minds want to know!" Are you kidding me? Who says that? I just look at him like "are you kidding me? who says that?" I don't say anything. He sits down and tries to have a conversation with me. I'm not giving him much to go on. I hate him. He's like "so...do you have any other questions for me?" Oh my cocky. I say "no. I'm pretty tapped out". Then I say "I don't think I need to know everything about you right now" and he says "I bet there's an empty conference room somewhere. You could find out everything you need to know in 10 minutes". ewww I just barfed. I just look at him like he's a tool and say "this is what I know about you so far: 1. you're a smart-ass. 2. wait...no...that's it." Somewhere in the conversation he also says "yeah, I thought you were the one Terry was talking about when he said a girl in the parking lot, but I talk to a lot of people. I'm just really friendly". Okay, so why did you run over here as soon as I came upstairs? I hate him. Then someone from his department called him over because they needed something and he says "I'll be right back". As soon as he walks away I say "I'm leaving, talk to you tomorrow Tex". I hate him so bad. I text the non-boyfriend and I tell him I hate that dude, and I'm sure he hates me too.

The next morning I'm walking into work and I see his truck pull up. Oh great. He yells across the parking lot "you're not going to hold the door for me?" I wasn't going to, but whatever. I say "hurry up then". So we walk in together and he says "so I guess you didn't get my email, because you didn't respond". What? I thought we hated each other. I tell him, no, I didn't get it. He tells me to respond. Ok. So I go to my desk and respond to his email. p.s. his email was lame. It was asking me about what shift I work. no creativity whatsoever. Then this happens:

him: Well miss Jackson. I guess my question was answered about your shift. You kind of throw out the cold shoulder a little though. After yesterday, I even I had a break reserved… I’m disappointed. j/k. What’s up tonight? Got anything fun planned Becky?

me: Yes, actually, I think I’m going night boarding at Brighton. Do you snowgboard?

this was not entirely true. I was in the process of making plans to possibly go boarding that night with someone else, so it was the first "i have plans. sorry" excuse that came to my head.

him: Yeah, I do both actually. Night boarding isn’t as fun as day though. All the good runs close down. I like the top of solitude a lot also. Do you have to come in to work every day at 5 in the morning?

me: Night boarding scares me because I haven’t been boarding in forever and I might die. j/k. kind of. Yeah, I work from 5:45 until like 2:00ish everyday. It’s not so bad. What sucks is that I work at 5:30 every Saturday.

him: Yeah, but 5:30 every Saturday? Doesn’t that ruin the night life a little bit? Our schedules up here kind of depend on what we have going on, but my schedule for at least 3 days out of the week is from 11-8. I stay up to late at night sometimes. Well, are you prepping yourself up for a late night tonight?

me: 11-8? Does that suck? I would hate it. I try to go to bed early since I work so early, but that never happens. I try not to let my work schedule interfere with my totally rockin social life. haha. Actually, I never do anything too crazy on Fridays. I save that for Saturday.

him: One day a week huh? You can stay up late one night during the weekdays and be ok. When are you getting back from boarding? You need to be willing to negotiate Becky.

At this point I realize he is trying to make plans with me after my plans. I hate him. He has a huge head so I decide to be a brat. My british friend Daniel tells me to be careful because guys like him like it when girls are bitchy to them. He won't like this, I think to myself. I decide to call him out.

me: I stay up until like 11 every night. That’s pretty late when you have to wake up at 4:30, don’t you think? Or am I a total lightweight? I have no idea when I’m getting back from boarding. I’m not driving, so I don’t have as much of a say. Are you trying to booty call me?

him: Do you still call it a booty call these days? I thought that was a 90’s term. j/k Why don’t you ask me when I am going to bed, so you’re the one booty calling me. Hey, you can give me a little slack for not being totally blunt here, because you asked two people ninety questions about me you know. You could have just emailed me or something.

I hate him

me: Let’s just come back to reality here for a minute. It was like 2 questions, not 90. I thought you were cute in the parking lot, but I didn’t know if you had a gf so I asked. The rest was out of my hands. But it worked pretty good, right? Maybe I should hire a team of people to work for me.

him: Yeah, maybe that would be a good idea to hire a few. Are we on negotiating terms yet? You just skipped the main topic of conversation. 1.) Let’s hang out 2.) Have a curfew of 11 if you need to 3.) Don’t call it a booty call if that makes a difference in whether or not we hang out.

I hate him. There is no way I'm hanging out with him. I decide to mess with him.

me: Oh, we’re negotiating. Here are my terms:
1) I’m pretty busy this week, but I might be able to squeeze you in, if you’re lucky.
2) If it’s a week night, my curfew is 11pm
3) You can call it a booty call if you want, because lets face it, IF that happens, that’s what it is.
a. Unless you fall crazy in love with me, which you probably will.
4) If you come to my place, you have to play Guitar Hero

him: Come on. It’s all about priorities. Guitar hero? Well, I guess I could check that out. Come on, let’s not overstep things here. Falling in love isn’t really on the agenda for me here, so I need to know your motives. Do you think I’m good looking, or do you have a crush on me? Your curfew is fine though. Oh, where do you live anyway?

I hate him. get over yourself.

me: I don’t even know you. How could I have a crush? I thought it was pretty obvious that my falling in love comment was a joke. I live in an old folks residency

him: Well, this is the problem with emails I suppose. You can never fully tell where the sarcasm is. I was kidding with the motives comment as well. I should have put j/k behind it or something. Now, not being able to have a crush on me another story… it all starts with a smile. Ha ha Oh, you don’t live in an old folks residency either. I live in cottonwood heights for example, now your turn. Do you want me to list the cities in Salt Lake County? lol

ok, i'll give him that. wait, i still hate him.

me: True. I’m pretty sarcastic just so you know. I really do live in an old people community! Well, not technically, but basically! Its in Murray on 9th eastish

him: Well, will old folks get mad if you have a visitor? My house is getting remodeled right now, it caught on fire a couple weeks ago. I’ll tell you the story in person. I am living in a hotel for like another week, till they finish fixing it. It’s all good though. Ummm. The bottom line is this though. You’re good looking, I’m not bad and you’ll most likely need a good cuddle after skiing anyway, so let’s hang.

oh, he's still trying for tonight? the persistance is admirable. i still hate him.

me: You should really quit smoking when you’re reading the morning paper—it’s a fire hazard. Seriously, tonight isn’t going to happen. I know you’re excited to see me, but if it happens, its going to have to be another night.

him: Alright, alright. I tried to negotiate, it didn’t work. Failed miserably. If you want to hang, then let me know. If not, we can still say "hi" in the parking lot at Advanta, right?

I hate him. Somewhere in the middle of that email conversation he came down to my desk and snuck up on me. Not only that, but he brought a posse with him, to "meet me". WTF? what is he telling people up in collections? kill me now.

I guess Daniel was right. Cocky guys love it when girls treat them like crap. Or maybe I'm not as bratty as I think. He does have a nice body. And he looks good in a beanie. I hate him. I'm never hanging out with the Tool. I think I've filled my quota for my lifetime.