Tuesday, May 15, 2007

even though you never put ribbons in my bowl cut, i'm not gay

dear mom,

i had a lot of fun at our mother's day bbq, so thanks for being a mom and making it all possible. i know each time we have a family dinner, or any family gathering really, you secretly hope that i will show up with a boy on my arm and a ring on the way (maybe you'd even be okay with a bun in the oven at this point).

mom, i know i'm 6 months away from probably being socially considered a lost cause marriage material-wise, so me bringing a boy home might help ease your anxiety. and i know i've brought home one or two boyfriends in the past. but i think you should know that my policy is now to never bring home boys. ever. i've actually had this policy for a few years now, you just didn't know it. i just don't like to get your hopes up only to have them dashed. and i don't think we need anymore ex-boyfriend nicknames like "the weasel" (which you forgot you actually originally came up with as "the ferret" [oh well, they might be in the same family in the animal kingdom...]).

i just wanted to reassure you since, if i don't come to family dinners alone, i usually bring friends. friends that are girls. i hope this doesn't double your disappointment, mom. rest assured, i am not a lesbian. good thing, because you didn't even think it was funny when dwight made that joke about me being a lesbian due to the way you fixed my hair as a child (it was)


love always,

becky.

4 comments:

punk rock girl said...

dear becky:

perhaps i should not have told your mom you were bringing me around so that the family could adjust to our relationship.

xoxo,

PRG

becky said...

i think the "we're in love" comment you made last night was probably what scared her more.

natali said...

i probably should not have said that. or thought for about 5 minutes in target that my mom would like a skull t shirt. i was wrong about a lot of things yesterday.

Jefe said...

I would just remind your mom that you are getting all the love and attention (Including sexual healing) from the guy across the hall. No need to worry that he has no job and sells narcotics to East High School Sophmores because you aren't "that serious" it's "purley physical". I think any mother would find this exceptable and an appropriate alternative to marriage.