i had a lot of fun at our mother's day bbq, so thanks for being a mom and making it all possible. i know each time we have a family dinner, or any family gathering really, you secretly hope that i will show up with a boy on my arm and a ring on the way (maybe you'd even be okay with a bun in the oven at this point).
mom, i know i'm 6 months away from probably being socially considered a lost cause marriage material-wise, so me bringing a boy home might help ease your anxiety. and i know i've brought home one or two boyfriends in the past. but i think you should know that my policy is now to never bring home boys. ever. i've actually had this policy for a few years now, you just didn't know it. i just don't like to get your hopes up only to have them dashed. and i don't think we need anymore ex-boyfriend nicknames like "the weasel" (which you forgot you actually originally came up with as "the ferret" [oh well, they might be in the same family in the animal kingdom...]).
i just wanted to reassure you since, if i don't come to family dinners alone, i usually bring friends. friends that are girls. i hope this doesn't double your disappointment, mom. rest assured, i am not a lesbian. good thing, because you didn't even think it was funny when dwight made that joke about me being a lesbian due to the way you fixed my hair as a child (it was)