Saturday, May 12, 2007

It's the moment you've been waiting for all night. All the tells are there, constant eye contact, the giggling over really lame and rather obvious jokes, the batting eyes. Sitting shoulder to shoulder and the constant whispering throughout the movie about how bad this line was or how funny that gesture is. There is a tingling in your finger tips, there are swirly knots in your Buddha belly, the air is heavy with anticipation and a fresh scent that clears your senses, it feels like a first kiss is on the horizon.

As you drive her home you put in your favorite Stars CD. You're not sixteen anymore you realize that girls like to kiss guys too, it's not something that needs to be advertised, you don't have to propagate it or wrap it up with a bow in order to make it seem appealing. You can tell that she's attracted to you, but somewhere deep inside the inner high schooler still feels like he needs to set a mood and that you still need to make an effort.

You are taking the long way to her apartment now for a few reasons, first being that you enjoy her company, you aren't sure you want this night to end so soon. Second you're nervous, despite your best effort she is different than the last few girls you've dated. It's been a while since you've spent time with someone that made you feel like this. Third your unsure, she is so cool, if you move too quickly do you risk losing interest? She might loose interest in you?

At this moment the voice of Tyler Durden (whos sounds an awful lot like Brad Pitt) is having a conversation with you. "Your putting way too much thought into this! go with the flow you shit h__d." Damn him, Damn Chuck Palahniuk for writing Fight Club and suggesting that there is an inner antagonist that is their to challenge you at your weakest moments. Damn Tyler Durden for being so much cooler than me.

The paradox here is that if things were to work out, you'll find yourself taking the direct route at 20 miles over the speed limit just to get to her house quicker. But for now your stalling, you hope she doesn't know it.

You're at her house now you walk her to the door, you can feel your lips twitching, you just hope she doesn't notice them. You're talking but both of your bodies are saying kiss, Kiss, KIss, KISs, KISS! Tyler Durden is screaming in your ear "Come on man KISS her!" You think of Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, you think of Hershey's, you think of everything but what you should be thinking about. Your hands are sweating, they haven't done that in months, years even when getting close to a girl, you're fidgety, you're having a hard time focusing.

You're now ready to make an attempt, you draw in closer, but you realize the conversation isn't at a point where you can really do this...You ask "Can I kiss you goodnight?" You can't believe you just asked that question! What are you 14? Everything you've ever learned in all your time dating says "Kiss me knucklehead" and yet you have to ask her?

Tyler Durden is furious with you, he starts making crude comments of how you may have been born without testicles. I hate when Tyler talks down to me. Tyler threatens to kick my ass as soon as we're out of this situation. The good thing about Tyler is that even though I know he's there, I know I'm not schizophrenic, so there will be no way he can beat the shit out of me tonight while I'm sleeping. All he can do is attack my character, but that's all he needs to do right now.

You lean in, your lips touched sooner than expected, your wondering what to do, you forget to enjoy this moment, you forget to let her kiss you back, you forget every instinct. Tyler Durden is now screaming in your ear yet again, "You can't handle this you fruity little bitch". The time passes too quickly, the moments ending, the kiss is over, the time has passed too soon and you're back to looking at each other again. You don't take note that she's smiling, or that her eyes are still meeting yours intently, you force a smile, "Can I call you soon?"

WHAT! Tyler Durden's fists are balling up, "Don't ask! What's wrong with you?" you try not to wince at your own awkwardness. She is still smiling "Yes, for sure." You kiss good night, this time the kiss is even shorter then the previous, you pivot and step off the porch, jump into your Honda Civic and you point your car in the direction of home.

You contemplate the night, you take a heavy breath and say to yourself "well, plenty of fish in the sea." You eject the Stars CD and put in your He is Legend CD to clear your mind. Tyler Durden smacks you on the skull, you deserve it, you acted like you had never even seen a woman before. You try to make an excuse, "She was really rad though!" Tyler isn't buying it, he begins to go into a rant "Next time..."

But he is cut off by the vibrating of a text message that you've just received. You pick it up.

"I had a really great time, make it home safe."

Maybe there is a second chance after all. Kiss my ass Tyler Durden.



DISCLAIMER: The use of the Fight Club's Character Tyler Durden because he is a cultural icon well known for his machismo and self confidence. I am in no way of two personalities, nor do I hold fight clubs in the basement of an italian resteraunt (even if I did the first three rules of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club, it's stated threee times to be emphatic) though that would make me and/or anyone a more interesting person.

19 comments:

natali said...

first kisses are always awkward. for me. but second kisses can be much better. i really look forward to about the fifth time i kiss someone with or without stars or james blunt playing in the background.

Jefe said...

Well maybe we can practice before the reunion. I thought about it at church today, but then you know there is something tacky about discussing making out before you make out and then doing it in the back pughes of the balcony seats during mothers day. Thanks for coming to see me sing. It was pretty incredible to hear me sing in that setting. I mean I am really amazing, like James Blunt.

becky said...

i'm sorry, i have no idea what this post was about. you lost my attention as soon as you mentioned Tyler Durden. After that all i could think about was Tyler Durden('s body).

natali said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
natali said...

yeah talking about making out during sacrament is tacky. i am glad we limited our conversation to STDs.

Jefe said...

And exhibitionism...Natali, I honestly feel that we are relly connected, we are already talking about herpes in sacrament meetings, and how you've possibly flashed your neighbors.

I feel a mixed cd coming on.

natali said...

i am looking forward to my mixed cd. the only true standard if a boy REALLY likes you.

ck said...

make sure you load it up with james blunt, jefe - that'll get any girl you want making out with you

p.s. i'm lying

becky said...

james blunt might signify that he has a crush on your brother. but my brothers ARE pretty funny...

natali said...

i have made out to james blunt no less than three times. AND i liked it.

Jefe said...

Yeah that guy has really thought provoking lyrics. Isn't his big hit about how see's a girl and is in love with her because she is so "beautiful" though he has never met her and the fact that he is too afriad to talk to her is supposed to make me feel bad for him.

Wait isn't that guy like 27? Wow what a creep no wonder he is writing songs about imaginary girls, he can't muster up the courage to walk to him and say something like "Damn girl back that bumper up so I can ride that hoopty!" I mean am I supposed to feel bad that he cannot muster the courage to do this?

Natali I promise when we make...not if but when I won't play any James BLunt. It's all monster ballads for me, So do you like Cinderella? How about Poison?

Jefe said...

Man I am so long winded.









and a little bit of a internet predator.

Colls said...

jefe, on a scale of 1-10 how true is this story? also, is your honda civic for sale?

becky said...

one time i had a boy text me part of the lyrics to that james blunt you're beautiful song. i thought he was 23 but he was 19. wait, maybe he was 20 by then...

becky said...

this was the text:

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you."

i didn't know it was lyrics to a song for like a half hour. i just thought "wow, the 19yr old is cheesier than i would have given him credit for"

becky said...

p.s. i still thought that after i realized it was song lyrics



i think i'm more long-winded than jefe

Jefe said...

On scale from one to ten this story is an 8. Tyler Durden never spoke with me.

The rest is true, except for the part where I left out how I despise one of the two girls that I kissed previous to this night. I figured venom wouldn't work in very well with this blog.

My Civic is a hunk of steele junk which needs new tires, a window, a windshield and an oil change. So no it isn't for sale.

Colls said...

maybe your civic and my 92 taurus can be friends. his name is eddie. thank you for being an 8 on the truth scale.

Jefe said...

My Civic is named Chuck after Chuck Palahinuck and currently Chuck Klosterman. They can be friends.