Monday, May 28, 2007

Guidelines (?)

So I was going over the the Strength for Youth guidelines set forth by my Church. This was one of the bullet points.

• Abstain from premarital sex, petting, necking, sex perversion, masturbation, and preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, and action.

Now I can get behind that, except I have a few questions.

What is petting? I mean I know what "heavy petting"is but, can someone explain what regular petting is? I'm not tryint to be irreverent or silly, but you know, I pet dogs and cats, is petting the same as patting, is it stroking the back, what is it?

What is necking? I mean do people even "neck" anymore? Is necking when you rub necks, or is it when you kiss necks? I am so lost.

Friday, May 25, 2007

i always wanted to be an actress

so, i hung out with this guy several months ago who happens to work at the same company as me. i won't go into the sordid details, but the evening did not go well. at all. all. luckily we don't work in the same area of the building so i've only run into him a couple of times since the incident. the first time i did--which was about a month after we had hung out, he mentioned that he was really disappointed that he hadn't heard from me. oh...wait...was he THERE that night? maybe a new personality had surfaced since i last saw him (no, seriously). anyway, i mentioned i was dating someone so he wouldn't get any ideas (plus, i kind of was). i have probably run into him a total of 3, maybe 4 times since then.

so yesterday i was walking down the hall and there he was. i was opening up a door to go into a different area of the building and he stopped me for some (really lame [as always]) small talk. he asked if i was going home soon and i told him i wouldn't be leaving until about 6:30pm. then this happened:

"6:30, huh? wow, that's kind of late. should we go into one of these closets here?" and then he SMACKED MY ASS!

it was a scene from one of those cheesy sexual harrasment videos that you watch and think "people don't DO that stuff in real life". boy were WE wrong!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mixed CD Etiquette

So few weeks ago I went to dinner with a few friends. I won't name them, but trust me, all three of them are attractive, above reproach and always have my back. Needless to say, I trust these people, with EVERYTHING.

So it was shocking when I went on a rant about how mixed CDs is more a thing you do in high school than when you are...Um, older, they completely disagreed with me. Since then I issued a mixed CD competition to see how thematically people construct a good mixed CD.

In doing this one of the loves of my life, who also happens to be my roommate and I had a discussion on what makes a good mixed CD, how does it say "I like you enough to give you this CD of compiled artists so when we break up you will always have something to remember the reasons why."

So this is a little list of things not to do that we came up with on our way to church (it might have been basketball) one day.

1- Try to avoid the obvious, for instance, stay away from Coldplay, or in Natali's case James Blunt.
2- Finding songs with that special someones name in it is good if you can find good songs. For instance, I have found that the Name Caroline is in a ton of songs by both big name and obscure artists (My favorite being Sweet Caroline). However, the name Aubrey doesn't seem to be popular among song writers.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond is a great song, however if you are dating a girl named Roseanna, it's probably better that you don't use the song by Toto, because, you know, it's lame.

3- Try to avoid using to obscure of song. I know that we're all proud of knowing artists and groups that perhaps our significant others don't know, but just because I enjoy The Rachel's doesn't mean their music is listenable to other people. Your mixed CD which is supposed to be an expression of intense like at the very least will not an opportunity to show that person that you would rather force yourself to listen to poorly composed contemporary elevator music rather than watch the news.

4- No matter what anyone says, Sexual Healing is not good on a mix. No offense to my man Marvin Gaye, but it's just not ever a good idea.

5- If you want to break up with someone don't make a break up CD, it sends mixed signals.

If anyone needs to add to or make amendments to the list feel free.

Monday, May 21, 2007

addendum to baseball theory

so i realized that my theory in my last post and my following arguments were unclear but at the time was too lazy to do anything about it. i will now clarify. the reason why women should have three guys on base is to somehow make them feel that there are at least three guys out there who would want to date them for who they are. it gives them the confidence that they are worth dating as a person even with all the strange and unrealistic views women in the church have forced upon them. men on the other hand should actually try to get to know the person they are dating instead of looking to see if another women fits into their what a mormon girl should look like criteria better. its an attempt to somehow normalize dating in a small, religious community. the idea is that people will start dating people and not ideas. that is the connection. i hope that helps.

Friday, May 18, 2007

the baseball theory of dating

awhile back i came up with the baseball theory of dating. it was in response to dating and being mormon and dating mormons. here is how it goes. girls should have three guys on base at all times. that means unless you have a boyfriend do your best not to get to involved in any one guy (avoid hyperfocusing). boys should have one up to bat at a time. that means if you are a guy you should try dating one girl until you decide you dont like her and then then next girl gets up to bat (try focusing). its an attempt to somehow normalize dating habits and practices in an otherwise abnormal dating environment. and that in summary is the baseball theory on dating. and now for my reasoning.

last sunday in church the speaker was a 22 year old returned missionary lamenting his dating problems. he didnt know which girl was the right girl for him. he went on to say he had been dating a girl seriously and prayed about about her his wife. but he didnt feel great so he broke it off. he then proceeded to say he thinks he escaped an eternity of misery by following this prompting. but added, she was a great girl. which sums up how i feel when i date mormon guys. you are always on audition. are you in fact the one? but even though you are great there is that certain indescribable characteristic that they cant articulate but you glaringly lack. and what if you arent the one and they accidentally marry you and great they are in misery for eternity (all your fault). i feel like boys are always wondering if i measure up to every stereotype of womanhood and have every quality of motherness and will i always be skinny even after having six kids but most importantly am i the one or is there another girl out there i might like a little more.

i dont really blame mormon guys. its not their fault. this is the problem in any small religious group that places a lot of emphasis on marriage and marrying the right person and marrying within the religion and marrying a stalwart member within the religion and marrying for forever to boot. but it puts me in a pickle. i really like realness and honesty and acceptance and appreciation in relationships. and i find that more outside of mormondon, not exclusively outside but mostly. i think ck once told me that her best boyfriends were either 1)converts 2)inactives or 3) nonmembers. ahem is all have to say to that.

this post is not in anyway supposed to be about how mormon boys are not dateable. they are. i have dated a lot in my day and i have generally enjoyed the experience. i am just trying to highlight a problem i think comes from dating within a small religious group. i am just suggesting that dating would be easier if you werent limited to 2% of the population. but even without the numbers there do seem to be some serious problems with how dating is approached in our subculture and strange expectations and views on the matter. and maybe my baseball theory will fix it. i doubt it. play ball.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

gimme gimme gimme

does anyone other than me find jon bon jovi insanely hot? people always look at me funny when i disclose my crush. i don’t understand how you can find sean connery attractive (which he isn’t…and never was) and not be at least a little turned on when jonny wears those tight pants. am i alone in this?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

even though you never put ribbons in my bowl cut, i'm not gay

dear mom,

i had a lot of fun at our mother's day bbq, so thanks for being a mom and making it all possible. i know each time we have a family dinner, or any family gathering really, you secretly hope that i will show up with a boy on my arm and a ring on the way (maybe you'd even be okay with a bun in the oven at this point).

mom, i know i'm 6 months away from probably being socially considered a lost cause marriage material-wise, so me bringing a boy home might help ease your anxiety. and i know i've brought home one or two boyfriends in the past. but i think you should know that my policy is now to never bring home boys. ever. i've actually had this policy for a few years now, you just didn't know it. i just don't like to get your hopes up only to have them dashed. and i don't think we need anymore ex-boyfriend nicknames like "the weasel" (which you forgot you actually originally came up with as "the ferret" [oh well, they might be in the same family in the animal kingdom...]).

i just wanted to reassure you since, if i don't come to family dinners alone, i usually bring friends. friends that are girls. i hope this doesn't double your disappointment, mom. rest assured, i am not a lesbian. good thing, because you didn't even think it was funny when dwight made that joke about me being a lesbian due to the way you fixed my hair as a child (it was)

love always,


Saturday, May 12, 2007

It's the moment you've been waiting for all night. All the tells are there, constant eye contact, the giggling over really lame and rather obvious jokes, the batting eyes. Sitting shoulder to shoulder and the constant whispering throughout the movie about how bad this line was or how funny that gesture is. There is a tingling in your finger tips, there are swirly knots in your Buddha belly, the air is heavy with anticipation and a fresh scent that clears your senses, it feels like a first kiss is on the horizon.

As you drive her home you put in your favorite Stars CD. You're not sixteen anymore you realize that girls like to kiss guys too, it's not something that needs to be advertised, you don't have to propagate it or wrap it up with a bow in order to make it seem appealing. You can tell that she's attracted to you, but somewhere deep inside the inner high schooler still feels like he needs to set a mood and that you still need to make an effort.

You are taking the long way to her apartment now for a few reasons, first being that you enjoy her company, you aren't sure you want this night to end so soon. Second you're nervous, despite your best effort she is different than the last few girls you've dated. It's been a while since you've spent time with someone that made you feel like this. Third your unsure, she is so cool, if you move too quickly do you risk losing interest? She might loose interest in you?

At this moment the voice of Tyler Durden (whos sounds an awful lot like Brad Pitt) is having a conversation with you. "Your putting way too much thought into this! go with the flow you shit h__d." Damn him, Damn Chuck Palahniuk for writing Fight Club and suggesting that there is an inner antagonist that is their to challenge you at your weakest moments. Damn Tyler Durden for being so much cooler than me.

The paradox here is that if things were to work out, you'll find yourself taking the direct route at 20 miles over the speed limit just to get to her house quicker. But for now your stalling, you hope she doesn't know it.

You're at her house now you walk her to the door, you can feel your lips twitching, you just hope she doesn't notice them. You're talking but both of your bodies are saying kiss, Kiss, KIss, KISs, KISS! Tyler Durden is screaming in your ear "Come on man KISS her!" You think of Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, you think of Hershey's, you think of everything but what you should be thinking about. Your hands are sweating, they haven't done that in months, years even when getting close to a girl, you're fidgety, you're having a hard time focusing.

You're now ready to make an attempt, you draw in closer, but you realize the conversation isn't at a point where you can really do this...You ask "Can I kiss you goodnight?" You can't believe you just asked that question! What are you 14? Everything you've ever learned in all your time dating says "Kiss me knucklehead" and yet you have to ask her?

Tyler Durden is furious with you, he starts making crude comments of how you may have been born without testicles. I hate when Tyler talks down to me. Tyler threatens to kick my ass as soon as we're out of this situation. The good thing about Tyler is that even though I know he's there, I know I'm not schizophrenic, so there will be no way he can beat the shit out of me tonight while I'm sleeping. All he can do is attack my character, but that's all he needs to do right now.

You lean in, your lips touched sooner than expected, your wondering what to do, you forget to enjoy this moment, you forget to let her kiss you back, you forget every instinct. Tyler Durden is now screaming in your ear yet again, "You can't handle this you fruity little bitch". The time passes too quickly, the moments ending, the kiss is over, the time has passed too soon and you're back to looking at each other again. You don't take note that she's smiling, or that her eyes are still meeting yours intently, you force a smile, "Can I call you soon?"

WHAT! Tyler Durden's fists are balling up, "Don't ask! What's wrong with you?" you try not to wince at your own awkwardness. She is still smiling "Yes, for sure." You kiss good night, this time the kiss is even shorter then the previous, you pivot and step off the porch, jump into your Honda Civic and you point your car in the direction of home.

You contemplate the night, you take a heavy breath and say to yourself "well, plenty of fish in the sea." You eject the Stars CD and put in your He is Legend CD to clear your mind. Tyler Durden smacks you on the skull, you deserve it, you acted like you had never even seen a woman before. You try to make an excuse, "She was really rad though!" Tyler isn't buying it, he begins to go into a rant "Next time..."

But he is cut off by the vibrating of a text message that you've just received. You pick it up.

"I had a really great time, make it home safe."

Maybe there is a second chance after all. Kiss my ass Tyler Durden.

DISCLAIMER: The use of the Fight Club's Character Tyler Durden because he is a cultural icon well known for his machismo and self confidence. I am in no way of two personalities, nor do I hold fight clubs in the basement of an italian resteraunt (even if I did the first three rules of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club, it's stated threee times to be emphatic) though that would make me and/or anyone a more interesting person.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

you talk, and talk's so cheap

here is something i think has probably become a problem with the increasing normalcy of using the internet to meet and potentially date people. but it's not even just the internet. it's technology in general. texting, im, etc. it's that men are all talk. were they always, or have they just become so? maybe girls are too. probably. but whatevs, i'm a woman, so i'm going to use the experiences with men as examples...

i have a close friend who hooked up with this guy over new years weekend. he was visiting from out of town, they made out, he left town. she never expected to hear from him again. not only did she not expect to, she didn't care if she did one way or was just a hookup with a total stranger, right? WRONG. as of the next day he was texting her, talking about the "connection" they had and how badly he wanted to see her again. this went on for months. MONTHS. they talked on the phone several times....had really great conversations, texted all the time, etc. he'd ask her constantly when she was coming out to visit, or even better, when she was moving back to CA so they could see each other all the time. a few times over the several months she wouldn't hear from him for a two-week span or so, and she'd always write him off. she wasn't letting herself get emotionally attached. then she'd hear from him again and he'd talk about how much he missed her, how badly he wanted to see her....some of their conversations were quite deep and serious. he'd talk about how he was afraid he wasn't the "good mormon guy" she wanted, and how he wanted to be better for her....blah blah blah. sounds like someone's making plans for the future. at this point she is emotionally attached. how could she not be? he's said too much and made too many promises.

so the time finally arrives. she goes out CA for a visit. not to visit him specifically, but he was probably her main priority there and she was so excited to see him. so excited to see if these months of build-up could lead to something amazing. the day she got to town he texted her and asked where she was and she told him she was there. then nothing. that night when he still hadn't made plans with her she texted him and told him she was only in town for a few days and he had better take advantage of the time. he told her he knew she had things she wanted to do while she was there and didn't know how he fit into that so he was just waiting to hear from her. huh? what happened to mr. confident "get your butt out here now, i can't wait to see you"? anyway, they made plans to go out the next night.

the next day she went shopping with some girlfriends and he called to see what she was doing. she told him she was shopping and he said "maybe i'll join you". then same sentence decided "nah, it's cold and i'm tired, just call me when you're done". two minutes later he texted her and suggested they get together around 10 or 11 that night and she could go out with him and his buddies. wtf. she was pissed. she told him she thought they had plans, just the two of them. she wanted to go to dinner and just spend time together. he says "sure, babe, whatever you want". she finishes up with shopping and calls him. no answer. leaves a message. and he never....calls....back.....ever. she never heard from him again. ever. asshole.

my point is, what the hell? why does a guy put so much effort into keeping in contact with a girl---a complete stranger--who lives in a different state and who he had no "obligation" to ever see or speak to again, if this is how he's going to behave? is he all talk? did he mean those things, but was then too big of a pussy to follow through? or did he not mean any of them and just liked the attention he got in return?

it's so easy to say things to someone when they are on the other end of the computer. or cingular. do we get carried away? get caught up in situations? in conversations with words that we don't mean, but that feel good to say? if you're going to tell me how amazing i am, and how much you love talking to me, and how great we could possibly be together, and how, dammit, you hate the distance between us, then son of a bitch, when we are in the same state, make an effort to see me, and get to know me in person, and see if it's all real, and if you want to be with me after all.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

date me?

i got this in the mail today. yes thats right its an invitation for my ten year high school reunion. i am not for one minute going to pretend i am ok going not being married. anyway, its cool though. as long as i have a date. so i was wondering if anyone thought going to my ten year reunion would be fun. maybe fun is the wrong word. substitute the word bearable for fun. the perks are you get to go to springville high school and i can show you around. except for the boys locker room. mr. bird made it very clear i am not allowed in there. sooooo anyone in? we can pretend we are engaged. (kidding) (am i?).

things were sure easier back in the good ol' days

i bet adam always told eve she was the only woman in the world for him.

and eve never had to deal with adam's relatives.

(the good ol' days in the title refer to the garden of eden.)

Monday, May 07, 2007

First Kisses

First Kisses are almost always fun, or at least in my life they are fun. Mostly because they involve brown men. My very first First Kiss involved an African boy (and by boy I mean man) that I met on the island of Zanzibar. Doesn’t that sound romantic? It gets better. He took me to the other side of the island on the back of his motorcycle to a lovely white sand beach and taught me all about spices and where they came from. As it turned out, he was a bit spicy himself. We ended up making out in the back seat of a pastor’s car in Singita, Tanzania while Pastor Mafwimbo unloaded my backpack from the trunk. Sadly, I had to end the kiss pretty quickly when I realized around fifty Tanzanians gathered at the train station were curiously starring at us, my friend (standing next to the pastor) and I being the only wzungu (white people) to visit the city in months. I’m sure the pastor figured it out later.

Another fun First Kiss for me involved my cute translator Abdul (name has been changed) in the desert dunes of Southern Algeria where I was conducting research for my masters program. (Don’t judge me, I’m pretty sure it didn’t affect the outcomes of my study.) It was also memorable because that night after seeing the most beautiful stars ever, it started raining. Did you know it rains in the Sahara?

The 2nd best kisser (my current boyfriend is #1) I ever kissed was Moroccan. Let me tell you, those Moroccans have SKILLS. Our First Kiss was on the banks of the Potomac in Georgetown after a delicious meal at a riverfront restaurant.

And finally, my most recent and (cross your fingers) FINAL First Kiss was with a Samoan boy here in DC, in a haunted bus. Yes, a haunted bus. After walking me through a scary haunted forest last Halloween and me clinging to his arm all night for protection from the crazy monsters, this Samoan got brave and gave me a good smooch. As with my first First Kiss I had to end this one after less than a minute upon remembering the bus was stocked with teenagers ready to reach out and grab us as we walked through the rest of the haunted bus pathways.

Bonuses of brown boyz: brown boyz let you know they’re interested so there’s less guesswork. Some of you girls may protest that that takes away from the mystery and fun of hooking up, but I disagree. Wouldn’t you rather just know they’re interested and let them kiss you? Which brings me to my second bonus—brown boyz put out. Third, as in my case, marrying a brown boy (which I will be doing this fall) can give your children the everlasting gift of guilt-free brown skin. My children will always be tan! I am going to always remind them to be grateful to me.

The benefits to white boys? Sadly, I cannot think of any. I’ve only kissed two ever and they were very, very wussy. I have dated a number of white boyz and many of them were super nice, but they just didn’t turn me on really. I apologize if you are a white boy reading this. I’m pretty sure none of the white boyz I have dated actually know about this blog.


I have a friend (we’ll call him james (I couldn’t for the life of me remember what jim was short for the other day. I kept thinking jimothy) who’s gone out with a girl (we’ll call her lady) a couple of times and decided she wasn’t the girl for him. She, however, was convinced that she was meant to be his cuddle muffin (well, either that or she just didn’t want to face the rejection).

They went out to ice cream and he broke the news about not wanting to have her babies. This upset her – so much that when he left for a second, she actually poured nail polish remover into his ice cream! Now in her defense, you would think one would notice that their ice cream tastes a little bit like rubbing alcohol, but james likes ice cream – you can’t blame the guy – so he finished it off and then took her home…and then took himself to the emergency room an hour later on account of he had been poisoned (doesn’t this sound like a csi episode??). luckily, he lived to tell the story. Unluckily, he’ll probably have traces of nail polish remover in his body forever and if medical breakthroughs someday show that lining your stomach with nail polish is the answer for living forever, I don’t think he’ll make it

Friday, May 04, 2007

men are overrated... i've learned since getting a puppy. this is milo and he is far less complicated than any man i've ever been with - he cuddles when i want to cuddle, insists on sleeping in my bed every night and gets really sad without hiding his feelings when i leave. also, he nibbles my ear regularly and tugs on my hair when i do situps - as if he's telling me "you don't need to work out, you look great just the way you are." he even watched the whole 2-hour special of grey's anatomy last night (can you believe mcdreamy might cheat on meridyth??). tell me what guy would do that?

the one downside is that he sometimes pees on the floor, but the more i think about it, the more i think that's not much different than guys. way to go milo

Thursday, May 03, 2007

dating is a complicated process

people ask me for dating advice all the time. but sometimes i get stumped on what to do. here are some scenarios that left me scratching my head.

1) recently my friend started dating a guy who only will kiss her in public. they have NEVER kissed if it wasnt in a car parked somewhere in PUBLIC. if this is provo thats pretty standard because there is no where to make out there. but she is wondering. is he an exhibitionist and if so should she care?

2) i have another friend who took out a girl and she refuses to tell him what kind of music she likes. and that drives him crazy. he basically had to wrestle her to the ground in order to make a play for her cd case but she manages to foil him everytime. he really feels like music compatibility is important. what should he do?

3) i have yet ANOTHER friend (i was recently told i was pretty popular) who went out with a guy and he kissed her. but then next time they hung out he said no kissing. but then they hung out again and the kissing was on. and then the next time no kissing. she is a bit on a kissing roller coaster. and she tends to get motion sick. but maybe he likes her. but maybe he doesnt? what should she do?

4) oh and dont forget the girl who is dating the guy who keeps talking about killing her and where he will hide the body. nah that one is a no brainer. he sounds like a keeper.

those are my the most interesting dating problems i have come across lately. i would like some feedback that i will forward on.